The Evening Class - Body Snub (2 of 6)

Evening classes are a great way to meet women, apparently - so I signed up to a course in Comedy Writing. The first week proved a washout when my nemesis Dan made me look a fool in front of Winslet Bosom. Here's what happened on week two.

Turn up a couple of minutes late. Security guard's sat eating a Twix. Sense his eyeballs tracking my ascent up the stairs.

Open the classroom door. A dozen strangers turn and glare.

"Je peux vous aider?" asks the teacher.

"Sorry, I don't speak German," I reply.

Everyone laughs. Bit weird. Give them a little wave - then slope back to reception. The guard smirks.

"Excuse me - do you know where my class is?"

"What course you doing again?"

He knows what course I'm doing.

"Comedy Writing."

"Oh yeah, you're the guy with no jokes. It's moved to C2, lad."

The Twix is almost gone. A rebel crumb tumbles down his chin to the floor.

"Why didn't you tell me when I walked in?"

"Didn't see you, lad."

He did see me - but you can't argue with security.

Finally find the room. Dan's weaseled himself next to Winslet Bosom. There's one spare seat beside a ginger lad who looks like Richie Cunningham. Next to him, I'm The Fonz. Happy days.

"Alright, I'm Fishy," I say.

"Steve," he responds.

Everyone shares their sitcom ideas. Mine's about a clan of time travellers. The tutor's not keen - reckons it's been done before.

"There's no future in time travel," quips Dan.

The entire class chuckles - even my wingman.

We're split into pairs to deconstruct a script from Friends. It's the lesbian wedding episode. Steve gets on with it - I mentally critique the student art on each wall. One guy's done a painting of three apples in a bowl. Golden Delicious, I think. Shite.

Dan tells Winslet Bosom he's never watched an entire episode of Friends. Blatantly a lie.

Overhear him inviting some of the others for a drink as the tutor calls time.

"I'm up for a bit of that," I shout across the room. Dan looks surprised.

He leads the way, rucksack over both shoulders. Takes us to a right dive. Landlord eyes us with suspicion.

All of us hang back. No one wants to buy a round for a group of near strangers. The owner grumbles under his breath as we each order our own. I'm last. Ask for a pint of Coke. He scoffs. Explain that I'm driving. He doesn't care.

We congregate by the fruit machine. Try to squeeze in beside Dan - except within 30 seconds he completes a body snub which excludes me from the circle.

Attempt to make eye contact with Steve but he's telling a story.

Pull my best 'I need the loo' face and skulk to the gents.

Leave it a couple of minutes then head back out. Dan's trying to persuade everyone to drink shots. People mumble stuff about having to be home soon. Maybe next week, says Steve, who's finally taking his wingman duty seriously.

"How about you?" sniffs Dan, barely looking my way.

"Sorry, got to get back to feed the cat."

His face illuminates.

"You've got a cat?!"

He glances round the group, expecting everyone to laugh along. They don't. The girls are all pussy lovers, it seems.

Winslet Bosom offers her deep blue eyes to mine as I reveal how Mildred suffers from arthritis. Dan removes a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and heads to the door.

"Right, I really need to get going," I tell the others.

"Say hello to Mildred for me," instructs Winslet Bosom.

"Will do."

Step into the street. Dan's prowling by the entrance.

"Fag?" he croaks, accusingly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Just asking if you want a fag?"

He holds out a packet of Marlboro.

"Daniel?" I say, starting to walk away.


"I'll give your regards to Mildred."


Unknown said...

Ohhhh! Je comprends maintenant! (I understand now.)

Great post! And wonderful to see the final exchange with Daniel - a brilliant move. Check and to speak.

Looking forward to how Mildred receives all the greetings. (not really. it's the other stuff i'm waiting for!)

Anonymous said...

"He leads the way, rucksack over both shoulders."

I call that 'Ghost Busters' style! :)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like he thinks you gay with the fag comment!

You'd better let Winslet Bosom know you're not! Or better still, show her you're not!

Keren David said...

So unlike you to have to pretend to need the toilet.
Perhaps you should take Mildred with you next time? The girls will go crazy.

Christine Macdonald said...

You should submit these posts as your material in the comedy writing class.

Kate said...

Dan: arse.

You handled the situation perfectly.


DJM said...

Hmm, I didn't think I could dislike Dan more, until this post. What a jerk.

Anyways, you handled yourself well and scored extra points with your lady :) yay!

Hunter said...

This might be my favorite post of yours. Loved the German and Happy Days jokes...

Kitty Moore said...

Love it! One small suggestion - you should be teaching a comedy writing clas, not taking one..

Kitty x

Anonymous said...

"The girls are all pussy lovers, it seems."


I think you will have Winslet Bosom eating out of the palm of your hand next week.

Snafugirl xoxo

Sparkless said...

Mildred should scratch Dan's eyes out!

Dating Diva said...

Oh I am not liking this Dan character. Here in the states the code word for gay is "Dorothy." As in "Do you know Dorothy?" or "I'm a friend of Dorothy." So next time you see this jerk, ask him if he knows Dorothy and then have a silent chuckle for yourself if he says yes. ;)

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Sounds like a right bit of tossers, that. Are we still in high school or something (cliques and all)?!

Little Sophie said...

Haha, finally, revenge.
I knew Mildred was going to save your ass at one point.
Who knew having a cat would actually make you more atractive...
Well done and good luck with Winslet Bossom.

Skypirate said...

Dog(g)y Dan's days are numbered I'm thinking!

clo said...

Loved this post.
I think next time you should reveal a comedy plot about a guy named 'Don' who smokes, dislikes cats and has effeminate tendancies.

JennyMac said...

You are a perfect fit for Comedy writing class...this is excellent.

RenRexx said...

Dan is like the typical high school jerk who never grew up. You should steal a kiss from kate winslet

Roxy said...

yes we do love cats!

Dan can suck it... douche

Wynn said...

I love cats. And that dude seems like a total douche. I'm curious about what happens next.

Anonymous said...

The comedy writing class is paying off in more ways than one!

Great post!

Kelly said...

I love this new series even more than the Rapunzel files! Nice way to get Dan via your beloved Mildred. I hope you gave her an extra kiss last night.

Kelly said...

By the way, how was the tutor this week?

Dater at Large said...

As they say, one man's hairball is another's catnip...

Ken said...

Loved the post, but I could feel the pain of the situation a little too vividly. You must restore right order by vanquishing your foe and winning the favor of Lady Bosom!

Pandorah's Box said...

And here I was getting all excited about a menage-a-trois post with you, Kate Winslet Bosom, and some equally as hot busty woman. The hairdresser perhaps?

All girls like it when a boy has a cat. Unless they are weird. Remember that.

Little Miss Angry said...

yay to mildred!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Funny post, but I don't get the issue everyone has with Dan. What has the guy actually done that any other guy in that situation hasn't done?

Him and Fishy seem to like to the same girl. So what? That's just a bit of healthy competition.

He didn't invite Fishy out to the pub? Again, so what. To him Fishy is a stranger and his competition for Winslet Bosom. I probably wouldn't invite you out either in the same situation.

He cracked a lame joke at Fishy's expense? Big deal. Everyone has done that.

As for the cat thing, if I was trying to outplay a rival for a woman's afffection, I would probably make fun of you owning an arthritic cat called Mildred too. It's easy fodder. That's the pet of a 75 year old woman, not a 29 year old guy.

Oh, and the other one was when he made fun of you because you did the big walk in the opposite direction of your car and got caught out. I actually found that hilarious...and was thinking 'well played'.

As for the comeback where you called him 'Daniel' and that you'll give his regards to Mildred. Well thats just weak.

Man up!!! Like someone said, he's being the jock - aka the popular guy. Take control. Be cool. Stop trying so hard.

Lou said...

Great post, Fish. I quite like your sitcom idea- stupid teacher knows nothing. But then again she did get you to read a script from Friends. As if that's the greatest comedy ever made...

Ooh Dan made a grave mistake making jokes about Mildred. Grave mistake. I think you need to arrive early to the next class- try sit next to Winslet bosom. A few jokes, throw in some chit chat about how you take great care of'll be in there.

So pleased this post was free of scary foot woman. :)

Welsh Girl said...

Dan is destined for a bad end. Or a role in a sitcom as the irritating friend who thinks too much of himself....

Donster said...

No comment from Rapunzel yet?? Is she jealous of the latest lady to grab your attention??!!

I have to say, Rapunzel sounds and looks gorgeous - I just wish you two were able to make a go of it...

Kate said...

Rapunzel is on holiday in Gran Canaria with her friend Taggart. Check her latest post!

And yes Rapunzel is lovely and gorgeous and I can confirm she doesn't sound that much like Mrs Doubtfire!

Kate x

Ling said...

Hi, thanks for commenting on both of my posts I submitted to datingish. We seem to be on the same wavelength about dating LOL

alexis lynn said...

Just happened to come across your blog. Interesting stuff =)

The Girl said...

I read your Twitter and then read the post and ... well, I have a dirty, dirty mind...
*hangs head in shame*

Anonymous said...

Perhaps my hangover is making me aggressive, but I think that you should start planning the demise of Dan the Douche. At this point, not only am I rooting for you to ride off into the sunset with Winslet Bosom, but I'm also hoping that your future evening class posts will tell the tale of Douche-y Dan's public humiliation. I have to live vicariously through you because I can't figure out how to defeat my own nemesis...

Bobby Allan said...

So is Anonymous actually Dan? Why such a hater?

Anonymous said...

Douche Dan sounds like he wasn't liking the attention changing from him to you via Mildred mention. Sounds like kyrptonite, use it wisely. ;)

Jassy Onya'e said...

Have you ever met a women at a grocery store? Or even Yoga ?
That be interesting =]

Rapunzel said...

I feel slightly responsible for this as I invited you to mine for dinner and then buggered off on holiday instead!

Anyway I still have week 3 to read yet so I hope it's gone better...

And who is Donster?! I'm liking him a lot! Is he single? Can I have his number?!

Kate thanks - your a hon! (Sorry Fishy I know it's your blog but I can't help it if I get nice comments on it can I?!)

Right I'm away to read the rest..

Rapunzel x

nandoism said...

Brilliant! simply brilliant--like white chunks of meat we American's call chicken nuggets!