The Evening Class Finale (6 of 6)

It's the final week of Comedy Writing class and my last chance to woo Winslet Bosom. At Dan's suggestion, we went out for his birthday a goodbye curry afterwards. Even Jenny the tutor came along. Here's what happened:

Jump on the train. Sit near a hot brunette. Try to make eye contact through the reflection in the window. Can't tell if she's looking at me or the sunset in the distance.

Driver announces there'll be a delay in Warrington. Electrical fault. I tut loudly, hoping it'll be a conversation starter. It isn't.

Arrive half an hour late for class. Winslet Bosom gives me a playful telling off by tapping her left wrist. Feel a twitch in my pants.

She looks incredible. Fishnet tights disappear into the shadows of her chocolate brown dress. Knew I should have ironed my shirt.

The other girls have made an effort too. Even Woman Who Takes Her Shoes Off in Class, who this week has discarded a pair of beige high heels.

Spend the entire lesson honing my Winslet Bosom strategy. Just need to get her alone - my boyish charm will do the rest.

Time's up. Dan reveals he's booked a restaurant around the corner.

Position myself near the front as we're shepherded to a table. Don't want to be stuck on one of the ends.

Jackpot - I'm in the middle opposite Winslet Bosom. Birthday boy's out on a limb with Jenny.

No one's having a starter. Quite fancy one myself, seeing as we'll be splitting the bill.

My classmates watch me devour a seekh kabab. Offer the side salad to Winslet Bosom. She shakes her head.

Nose starts running as I get to work on my jalfrezi. Can't use a cloth napkin in front of girls. Manage to contain the leakage with my sleeve.

Head to the loo. Steve skulks in 10 seconds later. Stands next to me at the urinal. Bit gay.

A little bit of splashback lands on my knuckle. Can't be sure of its source.

I shake, stretching my little fella as far as possible in case Steve looks down.

My wingman sniffs his fingers and decides against washing, but waits while I enjoy the Dyson Airblade.

We get back to find Jenny tapping her spoon against a jug of water. She wants to say a few words. The birthday boy blushes.

"Just to say, I've had loads of fun teaching you these last few weeks - you're a real bunch of characters."

Everyone starts clapping except Dan, who coughs.

"Oh, and happy birthday to Dan," she adds.

He slouches back in his chair, arms folded. Think he was expecting a present or something.

No one fancies dessert, so we request the bill. The girls want everyone to work out what they've spent.

"Can't we just split it equally?" I argue.

"Why should I pay for your seekh kabab?" replies Hairy Jewish Woman.

"Wouldn't have had it if I'd known."

We eventually divide everything up before marching to a nearby pub.

Steve offers to get the round. Must be trying to impress someone. Everyone else disappears for a piss or a cigarette, leaving me and Winslet Bosom to find seats. This is my chance.

A candle illuminates our booth. Put my palm over the flame to see how hot it is.

Bloody hot.

Winslet Bosom inspects my hand. Reckons I'll have a blister tomorrow. She well loves me. I can't fail.

"Look, you can say no if you want, but…"

"Go on…"

"I was just wondering if you fancied going for a drink sometime?"

Fake a yawn to show I'm relaxed. My mouth's just closing when she drops her bombshell.

"I'm not sure my boyfriend would like that," she says.

"Boyfriend? But you've been flirting with me for weeks?"

"Er, no I haven't."

"Well, you clearly have, but I guess it doesn't matter now."

"Sorry if I led you on."

"Whatever. Just forget I said anything."


Steve arrives with the drinks. Soon everyone's back, oblivious to what's gone on.

People begin to pick up on tension in the air. Try to lighten the mood by sucking a pint glass up from the table with my mouth. Hold it there until Winslet Bosom sees but all I get is a polite smile.

"So come on," whispers Steve, "you gonna try your luck with blondie?"

"Nah, she's not my type," I lie.

"Well I reckon I'm in with…"

He rolls his eyes in the direction of Hairy Jewish Woman. Claims they've been chatting on Facebook. Sounds like bollocks to me.

A charity guys comes over collecting for blind children. Wave him away. No point if it's not going to get me a snog.

Jenny's about to depart. Asks if anyone wants a lift back to south Manchester. Winslet Bosom sticks her hand up as if we're still in class.

"Sayonara," I offer, as she side-steps out of the booth.

This week she doesn't play along.

Need another drink. The bar's rammed. Stand on tiptoes so I'm taller. Manage to get served before a girl who's been waiting ages.

Steve and Hairy Jewish Woman are playing pool when I return, leaving me alone with Dan.

"This has been a crap birthday," he blurts. "No one likes me."

"I'm sure that's not true. It's just people in the evening class that don't like you."

We watch Hairy Jewish Woman giggling at the way Steve chalks his queue. At least someone's having a good night.

"So what's your sitcom about then? Not that shitty time travel idea?" asks Dan.

"No, actually I was thinking of writing about an evening class," I reply.

"Can I be in it?"


"Well whatever you do, you'll have to make sure the ending is better than this."

"What do you suggest?"

"Perhaps it could end with me getting off with the class hottie."

"That wouldn't be very realistic."

The pair of us laugh together for the very first time as we don our coats. Maybe Dan's not so bad after all. Or maybe, after six weeks of spewing, flirting/non-flirting, foreign farewells and nasal indiscretions, it's time to bring this story to an end.

Postscript: We went over to say goodbye to Steve and Hairy Jewish Woman, but they weren't ready to leave. Seems like a new story is just beginning there. My wingman and I are going to hook up on Facebook, so hopefully I'll have an update for you soon.


Liam Burden said...

No way la! Shot down with the boyfriend line. They are all the same Fishy. Why don't you give an ex a ring for some fun? Even a blind date just to get some material?

Looks like your going to have to set camp up in Heebies or Bumper to find some skirt!

Long Tall Ally said...

Oh Fish I'm genuinely disappointed. I was looking forward to little Fishy Winslety Bosomed babies in the future. Maybe try another evening class? I hear those flower arrangers can be dirty bitches ;)

Chin up!

Long Tall Ally xx

sm9 said...

I think you're losing your magic touch Fish! ;-)

Hunter said...

Chicks, man. Better luck next time.

Rapunzel said...

Awww Fishy.

To be honest it never did seem to me that you were on to a sure thing. Just cause she let you dance next to her when you had both been on the bevvy?

I couldn't say anything though as some people have the misguided idea that I was actually dumped by you after our date and remarks like that would have suggested that I'm bitter!!!

On the positive side, at least you had some nice scenery in your class for a few weeks plus you will keep entertaining us with your love-life dramas!

Shall I book us in for speed-dating?!

Rapunzel x

Rapunzel said...

Oh and in future posts can you please refrain from discussing both nose stuff and toilet stuff?

I was eating a yoghurt while reading this one and it really put me off it!

Thanks x

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

I think all people with boyfriends/girlfriends should have to wear a piece of string around their finger. Doesn't cost anything, but would give others a clue!

Sorry it didn't work out. Kind of sounds like she was being a tease to me.

On to the next!

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Well how about a private nudge next time when you think I'm making a fool of myself, Rapunzel?
Oooh speed dating sounds like a fab way to cheer me up. Get it booked, though I'd rather be invited to your bloggers' night out! ;-) Speak soon.

Kate said...

Ah never mind Fishy! So are you and Dastardly Dan going to stay in touch now you've kissed and made up!?

I could kind of tell that WB wasn't into you from the way you wrote about her. Ah well never mind. Onwards and upwards Mr Fish!

Oh and stop pestering Rapunzel about the blogger's night out too! You know it's a girl's night!

Or is there something that you're not telling us? Are you actually called Fishina?

Now THAT would be a good blog post!

Kate x

Tuppence said...

Hey Rapunzel and Kate

Maybe we should let the Fishy boy come along - he could be our entertainment (or our bitch) for the evening? Dance, boy, dance...

Then again maybe he just couldn't handle being in the company of so many feisty females...what do you think?


marc said...

I'm curious. Exactly which parts of the Jewish woman are hairy?

Le Bre said...

Ouch!! :( Seems like she led you on.

Christine Macdonald said...

"If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true and that is unacceptable" Carrie Fisher

You just have to laugh. What is the alternative? Write...:)

Jassy Onya'e said...

wow a boyfriend ? That is insane, that's messed how how she led u on, wow.
HOpe the next post is much more positive

bluzdude said...

Ouch! Such bad luck... I thought you had a good shot there...

Lifebeginsat30ty is right... boyfriended/girlfriended people should have to wear a string, or a sign or something, to keep the rest of us from wasting time plotting about them.

Unknown said...

(just a little FYI)
From the GAY reader in your clan--the guy urinating next to you--that wasn't was just weird. Gays don't rush up to other men in urinals just to pee next to them.

Sorry she was taken--but we all knew how it would end--we need more Fishy adventures.


Anonymous said...

Ahhh frustrating... though I have to say, I have been known to be guilty of the same unintentional flirting while in a relationship as her. Sometimes you just don't realise what impression the other person is getting!

And/or she knew perfectly well, and is a bit of a tease.

Roxy said...

aww man! I'm sorry hun. But I look forward to stories with Dan


Keren David said...

You sucked up a pint glass to lighten the mood? Have you thought of going on Britain's Got Talent?

Momma Fargo said...

Well, you could try internet dating. Then when they diss you, you could just click 'em.

clo said...

Her loss. She totally led you on though.
Can't wait to hear about Steve and HJW.

Miss Pisces said...

Sorry to hear about Winslet Fish! I bet she did like you though. No woman wants to be called out on flirting w/another guy when she has one of her own.. :-/

Anonymous said...

Bummer that she's spoken for. I thought for sure you were in.

I'm usually a sucker for a dark and mysterious ending, but you and Dan chumming it up made me smile.

Sparkless said...

Ah well, we really didn't want you to get hitched up anyway cause then we wouldn't have our weekly laugh at your dating attempts.
On to the next conquest!

Wildernesschic said...

Just stumbled upon your blog and love it .. its hilarious.. I had to nosey at your hairdresser posts, as I used to work for Collinges in Liverpool, many years ago. Just a warning I started to date a client and twenty years later we are still happy and together :)

I'm Katie. said...

Oooo. Dammit. On the upside, you're hilarious. Have you ever thought of coming to the States? American women fall all over charming Brits.

Dater at Large said...

I can't believe she left you hanging on the international goodbye! She's not the lady I thought she was.

TheUnwashedMass said...

There was something quietly profound about that down-ending. Bittersweet. Pathos. Etc.

Keep up the good work!

Kitty Moore said...

Hmm..I think I may have suggested you didn't get your hopes up with Winslet bosom but far be it for me to say 'I told you so'. On the bright side, the real Winslet is now single...x

Pandorah's Box said...

HRPMH. You would think she would have mentioned that she had a boyfriend from the get-go. I do when I meet people. I try to relevantly pop it in to the conversation, jsut to get that shit out of the way.

She was totally flirting with you. Don't believe it when she says she wasn't.

BTW- Manchester is my favourite place on this planet. I was there 2 years ago and I did not want to leave. You are lucky.

theblueeyedboy said...

It's a shame it didn't work out. She did sound a little too perfect to be single, though.

Dazediva said...

Noooo Fishy !!! Nooooo !!! she led you on .. what a cow ! You can dance next to me anytime :) when I'm back in UK will definitely link you heheh

And yes people in relationships should have a string or something to let other people know ...

Until then .. off to the speed date you go with the fair Rapunzel and keep us all posted !

Wynn said...

Boyfriend, sucks. Good story.

Kelly said...

Oh Fishy, I will miss evening class posts. I was completely let down by Winslet Bosom. Some girls like flirting to get attention even if they are in relationships. Maybe that was going on here? At any rate, good job on asking her out...and let us know when your next evening dating event will be.

P.S. Don't bring a resume to a speed dating event. And don't wear a bow tie. Not that you would, but for some reason guys get uncomfortable and do weird things.

Unknown said...


Thanks for trying out the Sayonara bit I mentioned in my last comment. When I read it, I didn't even recognize it as my suggestion at first, so on point was it for this melancholy goodbye.

Too bad it didn't work out with Winslet Bosom, but to keep you happy, you'll probably want a woman who's a little more forthcoming with her assets anyway.

Good luck,

Kittn Kaboodle aka PT Lover

Unknown said...

p.s. and THANK YOU, NANDO. well said. come on, Fishy. you do have some queer-identified readership.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Part-time - Thanks for the comments as always. On the gay line, Nando took the comment in way it was meant (I've spoken with him on Twitter). People (I think) like this blog because I'm useless with women and because I say stupid things. I reckon worrying that a man who stands too close to me at the urinal might have a crush on me is totally in character. And that's how I hope the 'bit gay' line is seen - as part of a story of my ridiculousness.
Dazediva - you're on girl!
Everyone else - thanks for taking the time to comment as always. Love you all.

Cheryl said...

Ok, I need to like, go back and read some more of your posts, because you are hilarious and probably pretty effin' awesome. Although you'd probably be more awesome if you had kicked this chick in the vag. I would have.

Rosana said...

Fish, I read a comment of yours on a xanga post and I followed the link to your blog.

I'm so glad I did. You're genius man.

Lou said...

Well, this is weird. I could have sworn that wooing Winslet Bosom would have been the way to go! I'm sorry about that. These things always seem to happen to you, don't they? Perhaps you should just ask outright if girl in question has a boyf, save yourself all the bother next time!

As for you being buddies with Dan now...thought you hated him, Fish? I just don't know what to believe anymore...


Dating Diva said...

Wow that blows. Can't believe she would flirt with you while having a man.

So what's next then? How will you go about finding a girl who doesn't have a boyfriend, isn't separated and not over her ex, or who doesn't live too far away from you?

leoj said...

so, u r famous! lol! well, r u really into Winslet Bosom? I luv d names u gave to ur acquintances! Its really too obvious that those names describe the physical asset/liab of a certain person.

Anyways, this is wat i call a blog. i luv to read more of ur blogs in d future. i think, im gonna hav to follow u. :D

Abi. said...

She sounds silly if she only THEN told you she had a bf... :/
Bad times my friend.
You'll get there. Your writing is funny.
I'll be back again I expect...

Azz said...

Ah bad luck buddy, I really thought there was something going on there. But alas, you made us laugh, which in the end I would argue is more important =P

Something She Dated said...

Okay so I hate to be Betty Bitchy...but was she paying attention when you tried to get the bill split evenly even though you ordered an appy? Because that could have a been a bad-mover-deal-breaker-boyfriend-excuse-maker-upper?

That being said...her had me at the international goodbyes! Plus she clearly sucks for at the very least not giving you a Bon Chance! or something like that...cast the line again the bait is still fresh :P

Little Miss Angry said...

wish this could have ended better for you. but on the bright side i get to look forward to your next love interest ;)

Lizzy said...

Very entertaining. Too bad about the girl...I know they do it to lead guys on alot. An ego thing, maybe...

Anonymous said...

"I'm sure that's not true. It's just people in the evening class that don't like you."
I love the quick wit. Wouldn't expect anything less from you.
What is your master plan for meeting women now? Other than possible speed-dating w/ Rapunzel.

Anonymous said...

Why would you insist on splitting the bill when you were the only one that ordered a starter? Not only did you hold everyone up but you expected them to pay as well? Bit of a dickhead move if you ask me.

Unknown said...

This is quite a fun blog -- reminds me (part of) why I've decided to remain single!

A shame that Winslet Bosom didn't get my ex's advice: "friendliness from an attractive woman almost always seems like flirting to a straight guy." In my defense, I'm one of those "just seems quirky" types that's actually autistic -- our friendliness does often come across as flirting. Could be that Winslet Bosom is (perhaps without knowing) in the same situation.