It's the final week of Comedy Writing class and my last chance to woo Winslet Bosom. At Dan's suggestion, we went out for
his birthday a goodbye curry afterwards. Even Jenny the tutor came along. Here's what happened:
Jump on the train. Sit near a hot brunette. Try to make eye contact through the reflection in the window. Can't tell if she's looking at me or the sunset in the distance.
Driver announces there'll be a delay in Warrington. Electrical fault. I tut loudly, hoping it'll be a conversation starter. It isn't.
Arrive half an hour late for class. Winslet Bosom gives me a playful telling off by tapping her left wrist. Feel a twitch in my pants.
She looks incredible. Fishnet tights disappear into the shadows of her chocolate brown dress. Knew I should have ironed my shirt.
The other girls have made an effort too. Even Woman Who Takes Her Shoes Off in Class, who this week has discarded a pair of beige high heels.
Spend the entire lesson honing my Winslet Bosom strategy. Just need to get her alone - my boyish charm will do the rest.
Time's up. Dan reveals he's booked a restaurant around the corner.
Position myself near the front as we're shepherded to a table. Don't want to be stuck on one of the ends.
Jackpot - I'm in the middle opposite Winslet Bosom. Birthday boy's out on a limb with Jenny.
No one's having a starter. Quite fancy one myself, seeing as we'll be splitting the bill.
My classmates watch me devour a seekh kabab. Offer the side salad to Winslet Bosom. She shakes her head.
Nose starts running as I get to work on my jalfrezi. Can't use a cloth napkin in front of girls. Manage to contain the leakage with my sleeve.
Head to the loo. Steve skulks in 10 seconds later. Stands next to me at the urinal. Bit gay.
A little bit of splashback lands on my knuckle. Can't be sure of its source.
I shake, stretching my little fella as far as possible in case Steve looks down.
My wingman sniffs his fingers and decides against washing, but waits while I enjoy the Dyson Airblade.
We get back to find Jenny tapping her spoon against a jug of water. She wants to say a few words. The birthday boy blushes.
"Just to say, I've had loads of fun teaching you these last few weeks - you're a real bunch of characters."
Everyone starts clapping except Dan, who coughs.
"Oh, and happy birthday to Dan," she adds.
He slouches back in his chair, arms folded. Think he was expecting a present or something.
No one fancies dessert, so we request the bill. The girls want everyone to work out what they've spent.
"Can't we just split it equally?" I argue.
"Why should I pay for your seekh kabab?" replies Hairy Jewish Woman.
"Wouldn't have had it if I'd known."
We eventually divide everything up before marching to a nearby pub.
Steve offers to get the round. Must be trying to impress someone. Everyone else disappears for a piss or a cigarette, leaving me and Winslet Bosom to find seats. This is my chance.
A candle illuminates our booth. Put my palm over the flame to see how hot it is.
Winslet Bosom inspects my hand. Reckons I'll have a blister tomorrow. She well loves me. I can't fail.
"Look, you can say no if you want, but…"
"I was just wondering if you fancied going for a drink sometime?"
Fake a yawn to show I'm relaxed. My mouth's just closing when she drops her bombshell.
"I'm not sure my boyfriend would like that," she says.
"Boyfriend? But you've been flirting with me for weeks?"
"Er, no I haven't."
"Well, you clearly have, but I guess it doesn't matter now."
"Sorry if I led you on."
"Whatever. Just forget I said anything."
Steve arrives with the drinks. Soon everyone's back, oblivious to what's gone on.
People begin to pick up on tension in the air. Try to lighten the mood by sucking a pint glass up from the table with my mouth. Hold it there until Winslet Bosom sees but all I get is a polite smile.
"So come on," whispers Steve, "you gonna try your luck with blondie?"
"Nah, she's not my type," I lie.
"Well I reckon I'm in with…"
He rolls his eyes in the direction of Hairy Jewish Woman. Claims they've been chatting on Facebook. Sounds like bollocks to me.
A charity guys comes over collecting for blind children. Wave him away. No point if it's not going to get me a snog.
Jenny's about to depart. Asks if anyone wants a lift back to south Manchester. Winslet Bosom sticks her hand up as if we're still in class.
"Sayonara," I offer, as she side-steps out of the booth.
This week she doesn't play along.
Need another drink. The bar's rammed. Stand on tiptoes so I'm taller. Manage to get served before a girl who's been waiting ages.
Steve and Hairy Jewish Woman are playing pool when I return, leaving me alone with Dan.
"This has been a crap birthday," he blurts. "No one likes me."
"I'm sure that's not true. It's just people in the evening class that don't like you."
We watch Hairy Jewish Woman giggling at the way Steve chalks his queue. At least someone's having a good night.
"So what's your sitcom about then? Not that shitty time travel idea?" asks Dan.
"No, actually I was thinking of writing about an evening class," I reply.
"Can I be in it?"
"Well whatever you do, you'll have to make sure the ending is better than this."
"What do you suggest?"
"Perhaps it could end with me getting off with the class hottie."
"That wouldn't be very realistic."
The pair of us laugh together for the very first time as we don our coats. Maybe Dan's not so bad after all. Or maybe, after six weeks of spewing, flirting/non-flirting, foreign farewells and nasal indiscretions, it's time to bring this story to an end.
Postscript: We went over to say goodbye to Steve and Hairy Jewish Woman, but they weren't ready to leave. Seems like a new story is just beginning there. My wingman and I are going to hook up on Facebook, so hopefully I'll have an update for you soon.