The Evening Class - Kick in The Shin (5 of 6)

There's just two weeks of Comedy Writing class left, so I need to act fast if I'm going to pull Winslet Bosom. Last week ended with Dan spewing in the street after our class night out. Here's what happened this time round…

Arrive well early. Security guard's nowhere to be seen. An eerie quiet accompanies me up the stairs.

Turn down the corridor. Suddenly I'm ambushed.

"Boo!" screams the guard, jumping out from behind a snack machine.

He scuttles away, laughing his head off.

Heart's still pounding as I open the classroom door. Winslet Bosom's sat all alone.

Got my choice of 20 seats. Take the one right next to her. She reaches down to move her handbag away from my feet.

Can't think of anything to say so I make clicking noises with my tongue to break the silence.

Hairy Jewish Woman strides in. Raises her eyebrows at Winslet Bosom; Winslet Bosom smirks back. Two women communicating without words. Probably saying how much they want to bang me.

Jenny's last to arrive. Apologises for cancelling last week's class. Claims it wasn't a family crisis - she was just ill. Menopause, I reckon.

She collects the homework and reveals our next task: to start writing a sitcom.

"Has anyone already come up with a lead character?" she queries.

Dan sticks his hand straight up.

"My character's called Denis," he explains.

"Right, let's play a game," says Jenny. "I want you to stand at the front and answer questions as if you were Denis."

My nemesis covers his face with both hands but doesn't waste time scampering to the front.

Someone asks what Denis does for a living. Street cleaner, comes the reply.

"So if I was sick on the pavement, would you have to clean it?" quizzes Steve.

Everyone cracks up. Dan goes beetroot.

People queue at the water cooler as we break for refreshments. Winslet Bosom swipes the last cup.

"What am I going to do?" I complain.

She offers me a sip of hers. Wipe the rim with my sleeve before taking a gulp.

Class reconvenes to discuss great double acts: Morecambe and Wise, Gervais and Merchant, Laurel and Hardy.

"Fishy and Dan," suggests Hairy Jewish Woman.

Steve sniggers. Reckon he's got a little crush.

Mind begins to wander as the session drags on. Imagine myself waking up next to Winslet Bosom. She strays into my side of the bed, so I kick her shin.

Jenny fills the last few minutes with some advice on how to sell scripts.

Dan pipes up. Claims he knows a bigwig at the BBC who's promised him a deal. They're mates on Facebook, apparently.

That's it - time's up. Dan suddenly shushes everyone. Asks what we're all doing after next week's class.

"I hate it when people do that," moans Hairy Jewish Woman. "Tell us what your plan is first - then we'll decide if we've got an excuse or not."

Dan throws her an evil.

"I just think that as it's the final week, we should all go for a curry or something afterwards," he says.

Most people seem up for it.

"Oh, and it's my birthday - so we can celebrate that too," adds Dan.

Hairy Jewish Woman rolls her eyes.

Steer well clear of the snack machine as we all troop out of class. Thankfully the guard's had his fun for today.

Everyone's outside ready to go their separate ways. Winslet Bosom starts walking off.

"Auf wiedersehen," she calls back.

Dan laughs even though he's not in on our private joke.

"Adios," I reply.

Winslet Bosom turns and winks - her way of saying that next week, after curry night, she might just let me kick her shin.

50 comments:

Hunter said...

I love it when a woman speaks French. ;)

Christine Macdonald said...

A wink, inside joke... all promising. Curry night is a good night to - at the end of the evening - ask her number. You can say you need it to officially enter her in the Curry Protection program. You will ensure she is never subjected by Dan (who will no doubt make a birthday drunken ass of himself) again.

TheUnwashedMass said...

You are in like a dirty shirt next week. Let shin-kicking commence!

wanderingmenace said...

Fishy,
While I think you're doing well-I do have one question:
Why did you wipe off the rim of her cup before taking a sip?
If a guy did that to me, I'd think he thought I had horrible germs or something. Unless you did it in an animated funny way, and then I'd just giggle.
So which was it?

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Uh, should have asked for her number right there! Like in French, as to be cool. Then if she acted weird, you could just pretend you said it wrong ;)

http://lifebeginsat30ty.blogspot.com

p.ham said...

i'm sorry to say this fishy, but that security guard is hilarious.

Claire said...

Does that security guard have any friends?

Winslet bosom and hairy Jewish woman know you like her! I'm off for four weeks so I won't be able to find out if you get it on with her. Good luck Fish!

clo said...

This just keeps getting better. I say ask for her number after the curry night. It's worth taking the chance. I love that you have an inside joke that Dan isn't privvy too.
Hope the curry gives Dan the runs!

Lou said...

Dan must really be a tosser- nobody likes him- even Hairy Jewish woman!

I do think that Winslet bosom likes you too- you've got your own joke together and everything. She may not let you 'kick her in the shin' next week (is that what we're calling it these days?) but keep up the friendship and you may well be in there. As i said, WOO. It takes time, Fish.

Great post. :)

Keren David said...

Can you fix it so the curry makes Dan sick again? I think WB definitely likes you, she's obviously been practising her foreign farewells as well.

Kate said...

I think Winslet Bosom is just playing with you. A bit of gentle flirtation but nothing else is going to happen there...

Go on Fishy - please prove me wrong!

Something She Said Once said...

Did she witness the cup rim wiping? What's the plan for kissing...spritz her with some disinfectant first? :P That would have been enough to send me packing...though aside from that all signs point to shin bruises...and that whole goodbye in a different language could not be cuter...good luck

Kelly said...

I think you lost some points when you wiped her glass with your sleeve----harkens back to the days of cooties for me. But that aside, the curry outing seems very promising. Did she talk to you during class?

Ahh, can't wait to hear about the security guard too...I think he has the hots for you.

Sparkless said...

She finds you amusing but not too sure if she's into you. I guess we'll have to wait and see what Winslet Bosom has up her sleeve.

Wynn said...

Agreed with earlier commenter, the wiping is a anal thing. And the guard, totally. HE's a sure thing if Winslet isn't.


And I'm always fascinated how you infiltrate comments about women's fertility in all kinds of situations.

manshopping said...

Wow, I'm clearly tardy to this comment party.

Anyway, I say that this shin-kicking game is yours to lose at this point. Good luck next week, man.

Also, Hairy Jewish Woman could be excellent wingman material. Steve seems to flagging a bit...

theblueeyedboy said...

It's very cool that she continued your little inside joke. From your descriptions of her, she sounds perfect. I hope it works out!

Snafugirl said...

I'd like to leave a comment to answer wanderingmenace's question.

This is all part of the game. In pro-dating speak, they call it a "neg". While Fishy may not have been aware that he was doing this, and instead just being a neurotic, I bet it made her want to kiss him more than she already does. Subconsciously, of course.

Oh and, yea...it's in the bag for next week, Fish.

Kittn said...

Fish,

Some are saying it's in the bag, but I want to be a voice of prudence - things could still go definitely wrong should you make the wrong move with WB next week. I would deeply advise you to run through the situation as you would like it to play out prior to the event of asking for her number, or asking her out, or whatever, to better anticipate some of the snafus that could arise. Not to be rude but we all know that you have run into some pretty sticky situations before, and the last thing you want to do in front of a woman who's winking (!!) at you is be bumbling around and saying the first cheesy thing that comes to mind.

By the way, good comeback with the Adios. Next time, I recommend going for a crisp "Sayonara!"

Best of luck,

Kittn Kaboodle
aka Part-Time Lover
http://ptlover.gmail.com

Kittn said...

*sorry, typo above
my site: http://ptlover.tumblr.com

Lucas said...

Kinda boring... and lacks the authenticity of your previous escapades.

cm314 said...

Why are you waiting till the curry night to ask for her number? Sounds like she's given you enough indication already that she's probably into you. I don't quite understand the purpose of prolonged games/ flirting. Just do it! Either she wants to go out with you or not.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Hey guys, just to explain why I've deleted a few comments.
Criticism is fine (I've left Lucas's comment, for instance) but there seemed to be something fishy (pun intended) about the nature of some of the feedback.
I had 27 comments - 22 of which were non-critical and all of which were public.
Then I had five critical comments, all of which were anonymous and all of which seemed to be bunched together.
Anyway, I will never delete a public comment, so if those commenters want to re-submit their words from a public profile, so be it.
My theory is that Dan has discovered the blog. Failing that, it's the girl from my Pasty Kiss post (see archive in the sidebar), who recently threatened me with legal action.
Yours lovingly
Fishy

Kitty Moore said...

Erm..don't know how to tell you this but I don't think you're on to a sure thing..in any event, you shouldn't try and pull her after a curry (just in case you're both a bit farty!) x

Arnold said...

That's right, "Dan" has manifested himself from the depths of your imagination, entering the real world to wreak havoc on your blog comments :D

You can rest assured that I only sent one solitary comment, not even being particularly critical (you're a pretty skilled, entertaining writer), just questioning why someone would want predictions on such a blatantly invented scenario. So I guess any other comments, which I didn't see, must have originated elsewhere. Ah well.

Nice touch revealing apparent threat of legal action. Ignoring the fact that neither you or your date are personally identified, leaving legal threats as a bit of a non-starter, it would also rely on her happening to stumble across your blog.

But I digress. Keep up the good work, there's a book deal in this somewhere down the line.

Yours lovingly,

Arnold

Lucy Fur said...

well considering your following you probably should be a little discreet!what if hairy Jewish Woman were to read it?!its brave of you anyhow:D

i know its been said before but wiping the glass seemed to be a very rude thing to do.i mean you could have wiped it before you gave it back to her!that would have seemed considerate!

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Arnold, I'm obviously writing up my sitcom class posts to make them sound sitcomy. That's the twist. But all posts on plentymorefishoutofwater are based on real events.
As for the legal action, I gave her similarly short shrift - thankfully I studied law at uni. She saw the post mentioned on my personal Facebook, which was open at the time. Lesson learned.
Fishy

Arnold said...

Points taken, fair enough. My predo for next week is that the midget from the pub is the new security guard.

Dating Diva said...

You need to ask her for her number already!

Being Samiantha said...

Fair enough.

I still think Dan is a douche.

The security guard is funny as hell.

Winslet likes you, ask for her number soon.

Keep up the great work!!!

Being Samiantha

Lucas said...

My prediciton for next week:

1) Dan will try to show you up but ended up making himself look foolish (he reminds me of Ricky Gervais's nemesis in Extras -- remember him??);

2) there will be some kind of misunderstanding with Bosom, resulting in hilarity and a degree of awkwardness;

3) Some more hints of potential romance with Bosom, but nothing actually happens, much to the frustration of your readers.

4) A tidy resolution -- you decide that she is not for you and move on. (You may be able to postpone this until the week after though... why waste a good yarn)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous here. The one that wrote the comment comparing your writing class to a badly written sitcom.

Deleting my big post for not having a Public (google) account? That's a bit harsh. Surely as a writer, you would understand how annoying is to have spent time and effort on something only for it to be deleted due to your dislike of criticism. For the record, I would call pretty fair criticism.

I've been reading your blog for a few months - starting at the Hairdresser and then through the Rapunzel files. I was (and in some ways still) a fan!

Unfortunately I've felt the last few posts have seemed a bit forced. To me, I found them unrealistic. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all this is actually happening. Maybe it's just the way you're writing it. I don't know. But I just thought with it being a public forum for comments, you would accept criticism as well as all the praise people have been heaping on you.

Guess not though, cos the slightest bit of criticism and you delete it.

If I'm right though and the last few posts are mainly fiction, then my honest suggestion would be to go back out on some real dates. Get back to what you were doing before.

I don't know you personally, keep a blog or have anything to promote, so I have no ulterior motive. Im merely offering up some criticism, just as I would do if I watched a shit movie.

By the way, I am a guy. It seems most of your readers are girls who have read every one of your posts and formed a sub-concious relationship with you already and will gush over every post you do, rather than tell it to your straight. Guys will!!

Thats all. Feel free to delete again (even thought its taken me 8 minutes to type that).

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Right, as I stated, criticism is fine - that's why I left Lucas's comment (and your previous one for an entire day until it was removed for aforementioned reasons). And that's why I'm approving this comment despite the fact you seem incapable of leaving a name (you don't need a google account to have your comments named - again Lucas is an example). I'm sure you'd understand why any writer would not welcome anonymous critiques of their work.
I will just state again that, although I'm writing sitcom class so it sounds sitcomy, all posts are based on real events.
Cheers for your feedback good and bad - it's always welcomed.
Fishy

Joe said...

Whether I put anonymous or put a name, it really doesn't matter unless there is an email address or profile attached.

Just for you though, I'll use my name, Joseph. But as we're friends, you can call me Joe.

So, all posts are based on real events? Really?? You and "Wingman Steve" actually high-fived when "Dan" was sick?? Really???

Joe King

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Touche on the link.

Sarah said...

So, Joe's suggesting that your female admirers are gushing and silly, and you're better off getting it straight from a real guy. Do I detect a hint of subtext here?

Joe King said...

Sarah, I didn't mention girls being silly.

But I think it's a pretty well known fact that guys in general will just say what they mean. Whereas girls will always analyse stuff to the hills. They will read into things when there is nothing to read into. 'Why did he say that? What does it mean? Why is he being quiet? He said he's tired, but it can't be that. It must be something else. Is he getting bored of me? Something must be on his mind...etc ...etc".

In fact, now I come to think about it, you're over analysing my last comment by suggesting there is a subtext. See, women just can't help themselves.

Joe King

PS. If you liked that URL fishy, check out this one. :D

EmmaK said...

No don't rush to conquer Winslets Bosom - you just have to get her number somehow and get in touch after class ends. I'd suggest on the last day you say "Let's all swap numbers and emails" - then it looks like you're just 'networking' - you can say lets keep in touch and find out if anyone becomes a comedian etc. Otherwise you will get hopelessly drunk on the last day of the class and slur to WB while pawing her breasts "I lurve you you know ive always lurved you ever since that first day"

And she will tell you to sling your hook

Slowly slowly catchee monkey!!

Sarah said...

Some analyse, others generalise...

Rob Getaway said...

Another great blog!

I have a little funny story a friend at work told me involving an eastern european tailor that I will email you, think you will find it funny!

Sad to see people leaving critiques of your 'work' on here, its like when I go to watch a video on you:tube and some moron has decided to leave comments under it because they don't like it, instead of not watching it!

One of The Guys said...

OK, so I'm not up on everything, but is that her real name?

Winslet Bosom? Really?

Because if so, that's freakin' hot!!!

If not, I apologize for my gullibility.

ziazitella said...

Love Wingman Steve's quick wit. The guy's on it.
I'm still in need of a Wingwoman & in respose to someone's comment, I think she'd make a good one. See if she's willing to fly over the pond.
The guard may cry a little after that class ends. Maybe bring him a good-bye muffin & hanky to dry his eyes with.
And WB & Hairy JW are definitely on to you & I don't see this going so well...but as always, rooting for you.

So, Joe, did I over analyze anything? Or does this meet your level of "proper" commenting? ;)

www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

manshopping said...

Joe, I'd be horrified if I was ever caught gushing. I only gush about my love for Donal Skehan and my hot water bottle. So, Fishy, you da man, and I won't hesitate to remind you of it, but if I ever gush, do call me out on it. I have a reputation to protect.

All the best,
Man-shopper

P.S. Does Hairy Jewish Woman have a blog? Again, I would like to reiterate that she rocks. Also, "Hairy Jewish Woman" is a great pseudonym.

Long Tall Ally said...

From the sounds of things Fish, I'd say Kate Winslet Bosom likes the indie schmindie sort of guy so you could be well in there. Mildred might get a new Mummy!
hah.

Long Tall Ally
http://www.longtallally.com

greatredwoman said...

I called my 25 y/o daughter the "one date wonder". She'd date a man once and never want to see him again..That happened over and over.

A year ago, she came down with mono one week and she was so extremely tired she could barely get out of bed for several days. A guy she had only been out with twice came over to help her..cooked her meals, cleaned her house for her and ran errands for her. No kidding, she was really sick.

They are still together and will marry.

End of one date wonder..

The right woman has not come around for you. When she does, you will stop the serial dating..

Chrissy said...

Yes, that's usually what a wink means.

Kato said...

Well, at least there was a wink. You certainly are letting her come to you aren't you?

GO SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET FISHY.

After next week's class, there BETTER be some shin kicking going on. That's your homework assignment from me.

xoxoxo

Out of Sync said...

Another fantastic post, I am so eager to see what happens next, great stuff! =D

Miss Pisces said...

New reader as of today (just saw a comment you made elsewhere).. I'm excited to catch up on your back story! Love your writing style! Very entertaining.

I vote yes for curry next week, may not end with a shin kick, but signs point to a possible *kiss* lol!

Miss Pisces
miss-pisces.blogspot.com

Dating said...

I don't see this going so well...but as always, rooting for you.