The Evening Class - Toilet Door (3 of 6)

I started an evening class in Comedy Writing hoping to meet women. Problem is, there's only one hottie (Winslet Bosom) and I've got competition (Dan). Elsewhere, there's my wingman (Steve), the spinster tutor (Jenny) and a girl with sideburns (Hairy Jewish Woman). Oh, and an unhelpful security guard. Here's what happened on week three.

Door's locked. I press the buzzer. Security guard comes crackling through the speaker.

"What's the magic word?"


"Try again."


"Nope. Tell me a joke and I'll let you in."

What is it with this guy and jokes?

"Right, erm… A wig goes into a bar and orders a pint of lager. The barman refuses to serve him. The wig asks why. 'Because you're off your head,' replies the barman."

The door clicks open. Security guard shakes his head as I walk past.

Class is just starting. Jenny shows us a VHS. Some old guy explaining how failure is funnier than success.

"See Dan - all's not lost," I quip.

Winslet Bosom bites her lip to contain a chuckle; Steve cracks up - offers me a high five.

The tape continues with examples of hilarious failure. You Can't Always Get What You Want plays in the background. Dan silently mouths each word.

We break after an hour. Got two mugs of tea in my bladder. Time myself at the urinal. Almost beat my PB (one minute, 11 seconds).

Open the toilet door with my sleeve. Dan spots me. Blabs to everyone. Some people think it's weird - though it turns out Hairy Jewish Woman doesn't like touching toilet doors either. Uses the tip of her little finger.

Class reconvenes for a discussion about dialogue. No one speaks.

Next we get a handout explaining how sitcom characters need clearly defined comic traits. Like David Brent's ego; or Larry David's tactlessness; or Dan's little pea head.

My nemesis suddenly stands up. He's leaving early. Reckons he's off to a gig.

"Didn't know Cher was playing in Manchester tonight?" whispers Steve.

Dan glares at the pair of us as he skulks out of the room.

Jenny sets some homework. Wants us to write an entire sketch. Winslet Bosom stays behind to ask a question.

Need to stall. Pretend to send a text. It works - we're walking out together.

"How's Mildred?" she enquires.

"Depressed," I reply.

"How come?"

"I got her from a rescue centre - she'd been neglected. Got a downer on humans. We're getting there, though."

Security guard's nowhere to be seen. Probably tugging one off in the bog.

"A few of us are going for a proper drink after next week's class," she says. "You should get the train over and come."

Play it cool, Fishy - play it cool.

"Brilliant - I'll be there," I reply.

"See you next week then."

"Okay - ciao."

Ciao? Where did that come from?

Winslet Bosom covers her mouth to disguise a snigger.

"Au revoir," she shouts, as her high heels clatter down the pavement.

Gorgeous and sarcastic - she's like a female me.

Rack my brain for another foreign farewell to yell back. Can't think of any.

Finally come up with one while falling asleep. Hasta la vista. Maybe I'll use it next week…

What do you think? Have I blown it with my lame goodbye? What's your longest ever wee? And how do you open toilet doors?


Kitty Moore said...

You had me laughing all the way through that - very clever you are! Just in case you're stuck for a foreign farewell next time try 'gule gule' (pronounced 'goo-leh'). Turish is a bit more random and she'll definitely be impressed! x

Anonymous said...

I always plump for G├╝ten Abend, but that works well for me as I look like a German border guard. Its menacing. Adoringly so.

And yes, definitely be careful with those toilet doors.

Rachael said...

Brilliant!! Can't wait until week four are you sure you can't just dm me the insider gossip???

I think your goodbye was quite cosmo, a bit camp but definitely cosmopolitan.

Re the toilet doors I totally agree with you, I never touch toilet doors or toilet seats without protecting myself first...sleeves for the doors and loo roll for the seat if you cared about my methods.

Unknown said...

This was a very enjoyable post.


Never timed it. I think it's a 'guy thing'.

With anything that isn't my bare hand. A good reason to wear scarves...but I suppose adding that kind of flair to your 'ciao' would be a little too over-the-top for WB!

Stephen Sharifian said...

Brilliant post mate! Look forward to seeing how the night out goes! I'd go with Kitty Moore's "gule gule" over Hasta la vista...makes you sound sophisticated and you don’t want to sound like Schwarzenegger...could potentially cause more embarrassment! And for the toilet thing... i think Dan is running out of pops at you...because i dont think there's anything weird about using the sleeve!

Lou said...

Ah Fish, you do make me laugh! Great post. I don't think opening the toilet door with your sleeve is weird. Dan's weird for mentioning it though. Loser.

Hasta la can do better than that! Terminator sayings have well and truly had their day. It's like when someone asked me 'wasssup' the other day *Cringe* I'd go with auf wiedersehen. What about aloha? hehe...this could go on for a while.

Are we going to get a sneaky peak at this sketch you're writing? Intrigued... :)

Hunter said...

Definitely not blown. I have a thimble bladder, so probably about 17 seconds. Although, I did pee 38 times in one day once. I open toilet doors the same way I open all doors - I effin kick them in.

As always, fun post.

Anonymous said...

Despite the "ciao," you're definitely still in the game. Then again, I live in a city where grown men say "coucou" as a way of greeting, which immediately makes me associate them with doves. And I hate birds. Hate them.

I kinda like "hasta la vista" though, dorky-funny always deserves a chuckle in my book.

And I'm with Gaby on pee-timing -- never met a chick who times it. And like Hunter, I either kick toilet doors or in the event that a doorknob must be negotiated, I usually attempt some absurd acrobatic trick with my feet, knees and/or elbows to avoid touching it with my hands. I'm a little wacky like that.

Liam B said...

Brilliant mate! Glad to see that prick Dan is out of the loop, looks like the dancing on ice live tour was more appealing!

I definitely think the goodbye was a bit cheesy, but your still in with a shout. I tend to push toilet doors with my foot to open them...

Dating Diva said...

Nah that was perfect because it made her laugh. I like that she invited you out--shows interest.

Can't say I have ever timed myself peeing. But I also use my sleeve to open bathroom doors and the stall doors. Who wants some friendly ecoli?

ryan said...

Love the post.
I think you pulled off the ciao in an endearing sort of way, so it works in your favor.

As for the wee-my guy friends call me the fastest pee-er in the western world because I never stay long in public bathrooms. I get in and get out, not sure why it takes some people so long in there.

Definitely use a sleeve or piece of paper towel when opening the door. I think it makes the other guy look pathetic for noticing at all, and even worse for announcing it to try and gain favor. Besides, what girl wants a guy who openly discusses his preference for opening a toilet door with his bare hands?
It's weird man, just weird.
I'd say things are looking up for you Fishy.

Bethany. said...

such a funny post. Looking forward to the next one. :]

Christine Macdonald said...

Ending on the Ciao was perfect. Throw her a loop and say "Aloha" next time. I open doors with my hand over a napkin or jacket sleeve. Flush with my foot if not an auto. I'm classy that way.

Looking forward to more...

Sparkless said...

Nope you didn't blow it with your Chao. Nothing sexier than a funny guy, well except one who cooks and cleans of course.
I never touch a bathroom door myself, ewwwww!

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

1. She laughed.
2. Replied with witty banter.
3. Invited you out somewhere.

You are so in.

* Salut, hasta manana, adieu...

* I just make sure to wash my hands after ;)

Kate said...

What a cunning linguist you are Fishy...

Kate x

NeverWalkAlone said...

Awesome... I'm quite jealous that you sound like you're in there... She is sounding kind of luscious, cheeky and keen! Looking forward to next week...!

RenRexx said...

I use one finger to open the door if I don't use a paper towel. A lot of people don't wash their hands after peeing. As for the goodbye, I agree it was really cheesy, but she picked up on it so she's as cheesy as you to follow the lead. You can always use "a bientot" the next time which means "see you soon" in French. Just remember the last T is silent.

Much luck

Something She Dated said...

You definitely haven't blown up...witty repartee is key to a chick's heart (especially if she's funny herself)...hilarious blog!

Eszter said...

Favorite part of the post:

"Class reconvenes for a discussion about dialogue. No one speaks." Ironic.

I never timed my pee...and you can also say "Szia" [pronounced almost like 'see ya' and it's Hungarian]...

Jassy Onya'e said...

I probably would have giggled too, I actually liked the ciao, it's cute to me. And I use tissue for the toilet. Especially public restrooms

Anonymous said...

Spanish: Buenos noches

Italian: Ariva derche


Pandorah's Box said...

"Gorgeous and sarcastic - she's like a female me".

Hahaha! Fishy, you are amazing! Can't wait to see what next week has in store for you!

Give Mildred a pet for me :)

Anonymous said...

Dan's an ass. In trying to make you look bad he basically announced that he's a germ magnet.
A sarcastic Au revoir, I like her. Hope you can keep up.
Probably the only woman who even considers to time a pee; however, I always forget until I'm midstream.
Sayonara - formal good-bye in Japanese, but I'd go with the casual "mata ne" or "ja ne" - it's basically "see you later." (hold out the "ne" when you say it.)

theblueeyedboy said...

I too have issues with toilet doors. The goodbye was a little lame but, I think you could snag this one. Good luck!

Kate said...

I think compared to some of your other dating moves the goodbye was positively seductive. Can't wait to hear how this one goes!

Kate xx said...

I've never heard of a "proper" drink. (You Brits have a curious vocabulary.) Hopefully, you'll get to the improper drinks with her next.

Little Miss Angry said...

no i don't think you blew it.. but i would avoid hasta la vista at all cost ;) never timed a wee - definitely a guy thing.. BUT i HATE touching toilet doors too!

peeham said...

winslet bosom sounds perfect! but really? ciao? must be kicking yourself on that one.

i like this steve character. coincidentally all the steves i know are awesome and the dans i know are sexual deviants. in a bad way, of course. oh, and thanks for being hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Setzen, sechs!

Rapunzel said...

I must apologise for going on holiday after we agreed that we would help each other out in our quest to find true love. It isn't your fault that you have been ciao-ing all over the place - you just didn't have my guidance!

I'm back now though so lets get working on a 'Pulling WB Project.'

And what is this present you keep going on about? Your present was that photo I sent you!

Rapunzel x

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Just to fill everyone in, Rapunzel texted me a photo of her in her bakini - the top of which was soaked for some reason. A continuation of the nipple leakage witnessed on our Belfast date, presumably.
PS the text was great and I've looked at it a lot - but surely you got me something of monetary value too?

Rapunzel said...

Ha Ha, I didn't even mean that one! I'd actually forgotten about that. I meant the one of the hand dryer!

You've made things worse by trying to explain it. Particularly as you haven't told the truth either - I was not in my bikini and you know it!

Clean texter Rapunxel x

Keren David said...

You should be teaching the course - great post, and glad to see Mildred earning her keep.

The Girl said...

I don't time my peeing sessions, but I remember one time it lasted pretty damn long and I just sat there wondering when it was going to end. I even leaned forward on the toilet seat to sorta help speed things along, ya know?

And there are people in my office who don't wash their hands after using the restroom. Nasty. But we do have a good cleaning service who clean and disinfect the restroom every hour.

Also, today at rehearsals our musical director said we sounded like kittens strangled in cling wrap. It made me think of you, don't ask me why.

Michael said...

"I started an evening class in Comedy Writing hoping to meet women."

Why am I not surprised?

as for lame goodbyes, I have an uncontrollable need for physical contact, so I end up with a very awkward half-hug, half-handshake, and it never goes well. I pee for a very short amount of time - perhaps, the rule is the shorter, the better. And I don't even notice that it's the door to a toilet that I'm passing through.

Always a pleasure to read your stuff when I can... you work so hard at it, seriously, Fish.

uTube & iShare

Anonymous said...

I don't think you've blown it. She may find your "lame" goodbyes to be cute.

Have never timed myself in the bathroom. But now that you've brought it to my attention to do so, I probably will.

If it's a door that can be pushed in, not pulled, I kick it. It's more sanitary than using your hand while also letting out aggression.


Serenityville said...

No, dorky can be hot, who wants to date someone ultra cool? Longest ever was 1 min 30!! I kicked ass. I was 13 and it was after a movie. Back then I couldn't miss out on anything. And your bathroom door OC reminds me how I recently included bathroom doors to my long list of things I'm obsessively clean about. Soon it will be disturbing, so far it's cute and quirky.
Came over from Perfect 10's award, congrats!

Dazediva said...

You crack me up Fishy !

Ciao is perfectly acceptable .. you could always try 'Guten Tag' - Good Day in German; Au Revoir; Ma Salaama or Illa-ilka(arabic); and for more unique ways check out ..

Never timed it - must be a boy thing .. I do try to avoid touching public bathroom door knobs .. if its in a hotel then its cool; otherwise try to use something to open it .. but more so when I'm in India than anywhere else in the world

The Kyle said...

Firstly, ignoring everything that's happened since then, I would have said, "No, you didn't blow it with the goodbye." Longest wee? Around a minute. I lose focus easily, hard to time. Toilet doors get opened with the bottom of the shoe and, depending on the overall appearance, rather violently. And good luck with whichever next date comes up. Rapunzel's earrings made me hungry, also.

Dating said...

Now that you've brought it to my attention to do so, I probably will.