Door's locked. I press the buzzer. Security guard comes crackling through the speaker.
"What's the magic word?"
"Nope. Tell me a joke and I'll let you in."
What is it with this guy and jokes?
"Right, erm… A wig goes into a bar and orders a pint of lager. The barman refuses to serve him. The wig asks why. 'Because you're off your head,' replies the barman."
The door clicks open. Security guard shakes his head as I walk past.
Class is just starting. Jenny shows us a VHS. Some old guy explaining how failure is funnier than success.
"See Dan - all's not lost," I quip.
Winslet Bosom bites her lip to contain a chuckle; Steve cracks up - offers me a high five.
The tape continues with examples of hilarious failure. You Can't Always Get What You Want plays in the background. Dan silently mouths each word.
We break after an hour. Got two mugs of tea in my bladder. Time myself at the urinal. Almost beat my PB (one minute, 11 seconds).
Open the toilet door with my sleeve. Dan spots me. Blabs to everyone. Some people think it's weird - though it turns out Hairy Jewish Woman doesn't like touching toilet doors either. Uses the tip of her little finger.
Class reconvenes for a discussion about dialogue. No one speaks.
Next we get a handout explaining how sitcom characters need clearly defined comic traits. Like David Brent's ego; or Larry David's tactlessness; or Dan's little pea head.
My nemesis suddenly stands up. He's leaving early. Reckons he's off to a gig.
"Didn't know Cher was playing in Manchester tonight?" whispers Steve.
Dan glares at the pair of us as he skulks out of the room.
Jenny sets some homework. Wants us to write an entire sketch. Winslet Bosom stays behind to ask a question.
Need to stall. Pretend to send a text. It works - we're walking out together.
"How's Mildred?" she enquires.
"Depressed," I reply.
"I got her from a rescue centre - she'd been neglected. Got a downer on humans. We're getting there, though."
Security guard's nowhere to be seen. Probably tugging one off in the bog.
"A few of us are going for a proper drink after next week's class," she says. "You should get the train over and come."
Play it cool, Fishy - play it cool.
"Brilliant - I'll be there," I reply.
"See you next week then."
"Okay - ciao."
Ciao? Where did that come from?
Winslet Bosom covers her mouth to disguise a snigger.
"Au revoir," she shouts, as her high heels clatter down the pavement.
Gorgeous and sarcastic - she's like a female me.
Rack my brain for another foreign farewell to yell back. Can't think of any.
Finally come up with one while falling asleep. Hasta la vista. Maybe I'll use it next week…
What do you think? Have I blown it with my lame goodbye? What's your longest ever wee? And how do you open toilet doors?