The Evening Class - Winslet Bosom (1 of 6)

Evening classes are a great way to meet women, apparently - so this week I started a Comedy Writing course in Manchester. The first night was a disaster. Here's what happened:

Not sure where I'm going. Ask the security guard on reception.

"What course are you here for?" he queries, removing a Biro from between his lips.

I tell him.

"Have you got any jokes?"

I haven't - I'm here to meet girls.

He directs me to the correct room, where most of my classmates are already seated.

One woman - approaching 40, with a chin for each decade of her life - discards her shoes to indicate she's a kook. Her two big toes stand to attention - the other eight curl in like the claws of the cat she undoubtedly owns.

Next to her sits a lad about my age called Dan. Already knows the tutor. Organises comedy nights, apparently. Twat.

A blonde girl catches my eye. Boobs like something from a period drama starring Kate Winslet - ample yet suppressed, aching to be liberated.

We're shown a VHS of classic sitcom moments: David Brent dancing in The Office; Norm fretting that Cheers will become a gay bar. I swallow a chuckle - you don't laugh on the back row.

Until you notice Winslet Bosom in hysterics - then you join in.

The tutor, a spinster named Jenny, calls an interlude. Everyone heads to the water cooler for a drink. Try to finish mine in one gulp but overestimate the capacity of my throat. Can't stop coughing - people are starting to stare. A small blob of snot falls on to my notepad. I swivel to see if Winslet Bosom witnessed my nasal indiscretion. She flashes a sympathetic smile. Damn.

Next we're asked to share any ideas we already have. Most of us keep schtum. A sole voice is heard - that of a Jewish woman who, it's agreed, might be on to something with her sitcom about a randy rabbi. I look her up and down. Always had a thing for Jewish girls - but this one's got sideburns.

That's it for today. Pack away my stuff at a pace designed to ensure I bump into Winslet Bosom on the way out. Except Dan has the same idea - and beats me to introductions.

It gets worse. The two of them are heading right - I'm going left. He's going to do a Goebbels on me - feeding her propaganda so she won't give me a second look.

Fuck it - I'm tagging along for a bit, even though it's well out of my way.

Turns out they live in the same part of Manchester. Great - they'll probably end up car sharing.

"You've come all the way from Liverpool for this?" queries Dan, with an expression of faux surprise intended to make me look like a loser.

"It only took me half an hour to get here,"
I lie.

He completely blanks me for the next five minutes while trying all his best lines on Winslet Bosom.

The path narrows and I'm forced to walk a few steps behind until we reach a multi-storey car park.

"I think me and Natalie are both in here - where are you parked?" asks Dan.

"Oh, just a bit further along," I reply, convincingly.

The two of them disappear through some swing doors and into a lift. Bet he tries it on. Pervert.

I turn back to find my car. Thirty seconds later I'm startled by a loud beep. It's Dan - window down, stereo up.

"I thought you were parked over there?" he yells, but doesn't slow down to hear my answer.

Takes me 20 minutes to track down my car and another hour to get home. What a shit night.

To be continued (unless nothing much happens next week)…


Emeila said...

You are too funny


Looking forward to the next

peeham said...

that dan is such a dick. or perhaps it is only the way your wording him that makes me perceive him as one... but what a tosser.

Rapunzel said...

Great post Mister! I'll even overlook the fact that you were in Manchester and didn't pop in.

In fact, just to show there are no hard feelings why not come round for tea next time? And make sure you casually mention in front of Dan and Winslet Bosom you are going to see a lady friend in the Tower...keep em guessing!

Rapunzel x

Dating Diva said...

Wow, that guy sounds like a jerk! You'll need to think up some good one liners to prepare for next week.

Skypirate said...

For a witty chap you're surprisingly dim sometimes! Bested by the "home turf advantage"! Given your line of work, I'm surprised you aren't more aware of this kind of thing :p

Seriously, I think you'd find more opportunity at say a yoga class and becoming more flexible can only be good thing, right?

Christine Macdonald said...

I bet Dan has herpes.

Kate W girl would probably have rather been chatting it up with you.

Time will tell. You must go back. If only for the comedy. You could write a show about people who go to a class who want to write a show.

Anonymous said...

Maybe a sign that you should be setting your eyes on pet shop girl?

Anonymous said...

Favorite part of this entire entry:


Lifebeginsat30ty said...

It's okay, no one who gels on the first night gets together. It's a fact.

Twat is right.

Hunter said...

I really liked your description of the kook's feet.

One day, you and Dan the Twat will have a comedy troupe, and you'll tell the story about crazy Kate W to peals of laughter. Seriously, Victorian chicks are always crazy.

neda said...

dan's like that guy at summer camp that's already friends with everybody else and you're the new kid and he just makes your life a living hell.

Keren David said...

You're mocking people who own cats? What would Mildred say?

Sparkless said...

Maybe there will be some new girl the next class. I'm sure your girl is out there somewhere.
Dan sounds like an ass, I don't like him and I don't even know him!

Kitty Moore said...

Brilliant post - very sharply observed and very funny!

Kitty x

Rob Getaway said...

Another genius post!!

"He's going to do a Goebbels on me" classic!

but hang on a minute if you were in Manchester why did you not drop in on Rapunzel???

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Rob, Kitty, Emeila, Snaf, Hunter, Rapunzel - thanks guys.
Oh, and Rapunzel - I'd love to come for tea. Except I've heard about your cooking so can we get a takeaway. Or I'll cook. Oooh, best invite I've had in ages.
Keren - what Mildred doesn't know...
Lex - how do you know what I do?
Christine - I might just do that.
Sparkless - I'm not finished with WB yet.
Everyone else - you're right, Dan's a knobber.

DJM said...

1st- ick, I had a mental picture of the 40 year old- quadchin, barefoot lady and threw up in my mouth a little
2nd- a sympathetic smile is better than a look of horror or disgust
3rd- seems like she was stuck talking to the douche dan, maybe next time you can get to her first. I'm sure she would rather that :)

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

I suggest giving Jewish girl a chance - I bet she is really funny. She may just need a bit of a makeover.

nandoism said...

what a comedic story--you are my blogging/dating brother! Wait, til I tell you the one about the one-legged Bangladeshian boy I took home once (okay, twice).

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

And comment of the day goes to...
Haha, Nando you have to tell us ALL that story.

Oughta Say No said...

Easy does it!
Let him make a fool of himself and swoop in.
I love the swoop!

Bobby Allan said...

You must beat Dan.

Little Miss Angry said...

i'm thinking about adopting a cat! only worried i'd me fun off by people like you. you don't grow claws once you get them do you??

i love this post. and i agree - you must beat dan!

Luke said...

Its all downhill after Rapunzel....

MANSRUIN 1213 said...

had the worst night at work...until I got home and read your blog! always a good day when there is a new one, now if you didn't live on another land mass from my own... said...

Sorry it was a disappointment. Please don't get the impression that all us Jewish gals have sideburns. Maybe just that one and my grandmas. (May they rest in peace.) The randy rabbi story has been done on Seinfeld, though. She's not so clever. Go for the bosoms and tea with Rapunzel.
Good luck,

Ashley S said...

You didn't say anything about her reaction to Dan. He sounds kinda all about himself. Bet it's a total turnoff, and she couldn't wait to escape into her car.

OMG!! The lady and her toes!! Had me cracking up! Glad to come across you. Def. Subbing :)

Pandorah's Box said...

Stupid Dan!!!

And as a concerned reader who only cares for your health and well-being, you might want to get your snot issue looked at.

Ask Ms. Winslet Bosom!

Lou said...

OMG if i had seen that woman's feet I would have been sick! I hate feet. *shudders*

Fish, i admire your get-up-and-go attitude with regards to your love life. Not many men would travel that far for the vague possibility of maybe meeting women (for guaranteed sex, definately). That takes guts. I really hope you meet someone soon. I really mean that. *hugs*

Next time, park in the same car park as Winslet bosom and get in there. Don't let that twat ruin your chances! :) x

Kelly said...

Sounds like Dan has some insecurity issues. I doubt Winslet boobs is into him--she was probably hoping you'd intervene. Just ignore him next week.

Martyn said...

You are one of my favourite bloggers and as such I have passed on to you the 'Beautiful Blogger' award.

Keep up the good work.

Ms B said...

I'm thinking it would be really great to be able to know what this girl was thinking, like if we all found a blog of hers what it would say..."tonight there were these guys in the comedy class and...".

Rapunzel said...

Have you not read any of the posts from when I went on a date with Fishy, Ms B?

It's a well-known fact that the way Fishy perceives things is completely different from the way the female in the story does!

Loved your comment Luke btw, might consider having that as my motto!

Rapunzel x

Princess T said...

Awww sad... I'm sure you'll charm her next time! Or maybe they'll be an even hotter girl for you to woo. Ya, that's even better!

I wish someone would nickname me something as charming as 'Winslet Bosom' ;-)

PS- I've given you a blogger award; hope that cheers you up a little.

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Taking classes isn't a good way to meet the ladies- when women take classes they are usually 'trying to find themselves' and looking for 'life enrichment'. AKA, sociopaths.

Roger Hayes said...

fish hope you didn,t pay to much for the class, but you sure got a lesson in LIFE. hope you don,t mind if I say a wored about your blog on my site.

Penny said...

Hmmm... looking forward to some satisfaction here...

Anonymous said...

"Boobs...aching to be liberated." Luv it. Had some Jr. Mint flash backs.

Kate said...

Winslet Bosom sounds like a poor man's Rapunzel to me.

Forget about la Winslet and focus on the Jewish girl. You'll have no competition and you could always shave her sideburns.

Oh and she might be related to Sarah Silverman. Possibly.

Miss Adventure said...

Wow, sounds a lot better than the comedy writing class I took - all girls and quite frankly not enough happening. But I wasn't there to pick up.

Very funny post. I'm a fan of the "twat" line too.

Lifestyle Lookbook said...

Haha Fish, that's what happened on my stupid date as well ages ago! Fully lied about where my car was, and got caught out big time too!

I've been away from the blogging scene for a few weeks, but am going to catch up on your posts now. They make my day :)

Skypirate said...

google told me :p