I'm doing an evening class in Comedy Writing in a bid to meet women. This week we were due to go for drinks after class - and I planned to get one over my nemesis Dan by finally wooing Winslet Bosom. Here's what happened:
Everyone's hanging around outside the classroom. There's a note pinned on the door.
Due to a family emergency Jenny has had to cancel this week's class.
People speculate about what's happened. Some of the girls are worried.
"We're still going out though, right?" I query.
Thankfully my classmates are still up for it, so we troop into the city centre. End up in some trendy bar.
Me and Steve start a round between us. He's having cider - I'm on brandy and lemo.
Bag a seat next to Winslet Bosom. She asks if I did the homework.
"Yep, my sketch is about a road rage incident."
"Is it based on a true story?"
"Oh yes - I'm terrible on the roads."
A tiny bit of spit comes out of my mouth as we're chatting. Lands right on her cheek. She pretends not to notice - but a minute or so later wipes her face with tissue paper.
Dan initiates a drinking game. Some tongue twister where you go round the table saying 'fuzzy duck' or 'ducky fuzz'.
Have to down three brandys after mistakenly saying 'duzzy fuck', 'duck fizz' and 'fuck off Dan'.
Next it's truth or dare. Hairy Jewish Woman reveals she once had a threesome.
"Nearest I've got to a threesome was shagging a pregnant bird," blurts Dan.
The game stops dead. Winslet Bosom opens her mouth in disgust.
Someone suggests a cheesy bar down the road. Turns out to be free entry. Hang my coat over a chair, then dart to the bog.
Toilets are a right state. Urine everywhere. Tiptoe into a cubicle, using my foot to lift the seat.
Fire my piss against a shit stain in the bowl. It's stubborn but I get most of it off. Don't bother flushing.
Get back to find a midget sat on my jacket. Steve shrugs. No one knows who he is.
"Excuse me, buddy - can I have my seat back?"
"Come on little fella - I want to sit with my friends."
The midget stands up, shoves my chair to the floor and marches off. Bit weird.
Steve's taking the mickey out of Dan for buttoning his shirt right to the top. Dan retaliates with a comment about Steve's ginger hair.
"You're so easy to wind up," laughs Steve. "You always bite."
"I don't always bite," bawls Dan.
Backstreet Boys come on. Everyone scurries to the dancefloor. It's only 10.30pm.
My classmates watch in awe as I chicken dance across the room.
Woman Who Takes Her Shoes Off in Class moves like she's doing a strip tease, licking her lips and caressing her thighs. Steve sticks two fingers in his mouth.
DJ cranks up the volume for More Than a Woman - one of my all-time favourite tracks. Now I'm John Travolta on brandy.
Brush my hand against Winslet Bosom's hip. She doesn't flinch, so I step closer. Soon we're jiving arse to groin. She wants me bad.
Can't see a knicker line beneath her tight black skirt. Probably gone commando. Start to get a boner on the dancefloor. Arch my bum back. Don't want it poking her - yet.
Just about to spin her round and stick my tongue in her mouth when Dan comes belly dancing our way.
Suddenly Winslet Bosom's in a Fish-Dan sandwich. This is probably what he wanted all along - another pervy threesome.
Hairy Jewish Woman comes over with a couple of vodkas to save her girl.
It's getting late. People talk about making a move - got work in the morning.
"But this is the best night out I've had in years," protests Steve, as everyone finds their coat.
The midget seems very pally with the doorman, who must be at least six foot five.
One looks up, the other looks down - but they're both glaring at me.
"You should pick on someone your own size," growls the bouncer, as I make my way into the lobby.
All my classmates stare straight ahead. Wimps. Only one who reacts is Winslet Bosom.
"So should you," she shouts.
Fuck. The girl of my
Just about to run away when the doorman backs off with a gulp. Is this what love feels like?
We all say our drunken goodbyes. Inspect Winslet Bosom's ears as she kisses my cheek. Spotless. Start to wonder if she's got any flaws at all.
She and Hairy Jewish Woman are sharing a taxi. Dan asks if he can get in too. Letch.
Their cab drives 100 metres down the road before screeching to a halt. My nemesis scampers out and spews up all over a shop front. What a lightweight. Me and Steve high five.
Might not have got a snog myself - but at least she won't be sticking her tongue in Dan's filthy gob tonight.
And, according to you lot who voted in my poll, that's about the best I could have hoped for…
Postscript: Yes, I know I forgot to say all the foreign farewells you kindly suggested. I'd had 10 brandys. Maybe next week.
So ladies - what do I do next? And lads - have you ever had a little stiffy on the dancefloor? If so, how did you hide it?