The Midget and the Dancefloor Stiffy (4 of 6)

I'm doing an evening class in Comedy Writing in a bid to meet women. This week we were due to go for drinks after class - and I planned to get one over my nemesis Dan by finally wooing Winslet Bosom. Here's what happened:

Everyone's hanging around outside the classroom. There's a note pinned on the door.

Due to a family emergency Jenny has had to cancel this week's class.

People speculate about what's happened. Some of the girls are worried.

"We're still going out though, right?" I query.

Thankfully my classmates are still up for it, so we troop into the city centre. End up in some trendy bar.

Me and Steve start a round between us. He's having cider - I'm on brandy and lemo.

Bag a seat next to Winslet Bosom. She asks if I did the homework.

"Yep, my sketch is about a road rage incident."

"Is it based on a true story?"

"Oh yes - I'm terrible on the roads."

"Nice."

A tiny bit of spit comes out of my mouth as we're chatting. Lands right on her cheek. She pretends not to notice - but a minute or so later wipes her face with tissue paper.

Dan initiates a drinking game. Some tongue twister where you go round the table saying 'fuzzy duck' or 'ducky fuzz'.

Have to down three brandys after mistakenly saying 'duzzy fuck', 'duck fizz' and 'fuck off Dan'.

Next it's truth or dare. Hairy Jewish Woman reveals she once had a threesome.

"Nearest I've got to a threesome was shagging a pregnant bird," blurts Dan.

The game stops dead. Winslet Bosom opens her mouth in disgust.

Someone suggests a cheesy bar down the road. Turns out to be free entry. Hang my coat over a chair, then dart to the bog.

Toilets are a right state. Urine everywhere. Tiptoe into a cubicle, using my foot to lift the seat.

Fire my piss against a shit stain in the bowl. It's stubborn but I get most of it off. Don't bother flushing.

Get back to find a midget sat on my jacket. Steve shrugs. No one knows who he is.

"Excuse me, buddy - can I have my seat back?"

No reply.

"Come on little fella - I want to sit with my friends."

The midget stands up, shoves my chair to the floor and marches off. Bit weird.

Steve's taking the mickey out of Dan for buttoning his shirt right to the top. Dan retaliates with a comment about Steve's ginger hair.

"You're so easy to wind up," laughs Steve. "You always bite."

"I don't always bite," bawls Dan.

Backstreet Boys come on. Everyone scurries to the dancefloor. It's only 10.30pm. Fuck Off Dan Fuzzy Duck has taken its toll.

My classmates watch in awe as I chicken dance across the room.

Woman Who Takes Her Shoes Off in Class moves like she's doing a strip tease, licking her lips and caressing her thighs. Steve sticks two fingers in his mouth.

DJ cranks up the volume for More Than a Woman - one of my all-time favourite tracks. Now I'm John Travolta on brandy.

Brush my hand against Winslet Bosom's hip. She doesn't flinch, so I step closer. Soon we're jiving arse to groin. She wants me bad.

Can't see a knicker line beneath her tight black skirt. Probably gone commando. Start to get a boner on the dancefloor. Arch my bum back. Don't want it poking her - yet.

Just about to spin her round and stick my tongue in her mouth when Dan comes belly dancing our way.

Suddenly Winslet Bosom's in a Fish-Dan sandwich. This is probably what he wanted all along - another pervy threesome.

Hairy Jewish Woman comes over with a couple of vodkas to save her girl.

It's getting late. People talk about making a move - got work in the morning.

"But this is the best night out I've had in years," protests Steve, as everyone finds their coat.

The midget seems very pally with the doorman, who must be at least six foot five.

One looks up, the other looks down - but they're both glaring at me.

"You should pick on someone your own size," growls the bouncer, as I make my way into the lobby.

All my classmates stare straight ahead. Wimps. Only one who reacts is Winslet Bosom.

"So should you," she shouts.

Fuck. The girl of my wet dreams is picking a fight with a beefhead.

Just about to run away when the doorman backs off with a gulp. Is this what love feels like?

We all say our drunken goodbyes. Inspect Winslet Bosom's ears as she kisses my cheek. Spotless. Start to wonder if she's got any flaws at all.

She and Hairy Jewish Woman are sharing a taxi. Dan asks if he can get in too. Letch.

Their cab drives 100 metres down the road before screeching to a halt. My nemesis scampers out and spews up all over a shop front. What a lightweight. Me and Steve high five.

Might not have got a snog myself - but at least she won't be sticking her tongue in Dan's filthy gob tonight.

And, according to you lot who voted in my poll, that's about the best I could have hoped for…

Postscript: Yes, I know I forgot to say all the foreign farewells you kindly suggested. I'd had 10 brandys. Maybe next week.

So ladies - what do I do next? And lads - have you ever had a little stiffy on the dancefloor? If so, how did you hide it?

60 comments:

little miss angry said...

stupid dan spoiling your moment on the dance floor. but from this story, i think you do stand a chance for a snog ;)

Liam B said...

Fish you should have at least got her number mate. Then you could have sent witty texts about Dan being a huge tit etc. Get it next week!!

Kate said...

I found myself chuckling all the way through this post. It almost felt like I was there. This is one of your best yet Fishy.

PS: Dancefloor boners are not a good look. Wear some control pants next time?

Kate x
http://search-for-the-perfect10.blogspot.com

Hunter said...

I really liked this one. But I was expecting a few more words. ;)

Donster said...

Once got a proper wood on in the London Eye on the first date with my now wife-to-be. All would have been alright had it not been for the female half of another couple sharing our pod spotting my trousers standing to attention and tutting loudly! The missus had no idea what was going on (or maybe she did??) and it didn't seem to do me any harm.

It is, after all, a sign that you like her! I wouldn't worry about it Fishy, old chum. It's not like she moved away from you in disgust when you flobbed on her cheek, either....

Anonymous said...

Textbook dancefloor stiffy...

Textbook arching back of the ass to hide it.

Well played Fishy. I think you're in there son.

Rapunzel said...

Ah this explains the article in the Manchester Evening News about town being invaded by riff-raff the other night!

Think you have your sketch for your next homework assignment right there. It will need a few alterations to make it more realistic though...my head would have to have to zip up at the back to believe that you were compos mentis after 10 brandies!

Rapunzel x

There's always a million reasons not to do something said...

O she is SO into you. I wouldn't let anyone dance anywhere near that close to me unless I was interested. I can't wait to see where this goes!!

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Let you dirty dance with her and verbally abused a doorman for you? You should have gone in for a snog.

Keren David said...

You spat on her face and she didn't run away screaming? Watch out..she may be a little too perverted, even for you.

Dazediva said...

She sounds like a right keeper ! sticking herself out there for you against the bouncer :P
Go Fishy Go Fishy Go Go Go !!!

Can't wait to read more heheh

clo said...

Loved this post. She's definately into you...dancing that close and still having to face you every week. I say play it by ear next week and maybe at the end suggest a drink in a smaller group or just the two of you.

Anonymous said...

Woot woot!!!

wanderingmenace said...

Well done Fishy. Even with accidental spit and a rambunctious boner, seems like once again you came out on top.
I am officially hooked to the Fishy-Winslet Bosom drama.

Kitty Moore said...

That was hilarious! Are you sure there was a midget in the bar and you weren't hallucinating? I cheered when Dan threw up! x

Man-shopper said...

Your life is pretty amazing. Midget, giant bouncer, kinky Hairy Jewish Woman, dancefloor wood, and vomiting nemesis all in one night. Oh to be in your shoes for a day...

After following your courtship of Winslet Bosom, I must admit that I have a little crush on her myself. Ballsy move with the bouncer on her part. That is one saucy dame that you have on the hook. I can't wait to see how you reel her in!

Sparkless said...

"My classmates watch in awe as I chicken dance across the room."

LOL!!! But the topper has to be the midget. Winslet Bosom cannot possible be into Dan anymore after the spewing. You've got a chance now if you don't do anymore chicken dancing that is. hee hee

Snafugirl said...

I'm starting to think your stories are made up. Too funny to be real.

Next move- ask Dan how he's feeling next class and make sure Winslet hears.

Snafugirl
http://snafuliving.blogspot.com

trytryagain said...

dan is doing a great job of making himself look like the ass he is, and u havent even had to put forth much effort yet! im proud! (and also so glad ive found this blog)

Matt Savage said...

Ha, this is great stuff man. Personally, I think you should have intentionally poked her or brushed up against her with your dance floor boner, as to signal you sexual attraction to her. This is akin, to being direct, which tends to work better than most people expect.

theblueeyedboy said...

Great post! Sounds like you had a good night.

Jane said...

that sounds like a great night! plus this "i wanna kiss you, but didn't get the chance yet" sort of thing is just sexy! (well for some time at least)

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Thanks for all your comments guys. Too many to reply to but Snafugirl - that is an awesome idea. And Kate, for that matter. And no Kitty - it was all VERY real xx

Miss Matched said...

The best ever - felt like I was on that dancefloor. This has given me severe writer's block for my next episode - my life is not so interesting!

Martyn said...

These comments have made me realise why I love your blog. Every post you write, you can picture the whole scene clearly in your mind. You just keep getting better and better mate.

Anonymous said...

Only you could have an argument with the physically heighted and get away with it. I liked it lid.

Betsy x

lookingforlove said...

hmmmn, plentymorefish, why are you scared to ask this girl out on a date? Don't you know you have to put in work to get the kiss? Or at least it should be that way, not going to smooch me just b/c I let you feel all on my ass. Come on...

Wynn said...

I love Kate's idea of "control pants", lol. Good story, sounds like a good night!

Short Stories for the Single Girl said...

I didn't know bars were still allowed to play Backstreet Boys. Maybe you should pretend to have poor grammar skills (as in writing) hell, tell her you are dyslexic and in need help with "homework?" Do guys normally check out the girl's ears?

Eszter said...

The truth is if she would've went home with you or you home with her, and you would've done something more than friendly, then I'd just call her a village bicycle and you don't wanna date a village bicycle - only ride one.

Here's an idea though: do the opposite of what Dan does - it seems to work.

jassy_onya'e said...

Wow, I had a great time reading this post. You were smart to back away from her while you had ur boner going on n_n. Good job. Also it's good you took your chances to dance with her, VERY HIGH PROPS.
Also hopefully your friend *dan* will get the hint and let you and that girl kiss, man he kept getting in the way all night
looking forward to your next post

-confessionalsofonyae.blogspot.com

EmmaK said...

I dunno usually its best to wait until the course ends to ask a girl out I assume you mean Winslets Bosom otherwise you have to share the blow by blow details of your sex life with your fellow comedians who may or may not write a comedy sketch about it. So hold that thought hold that boner until the course is finished and then ask her out - it'll make you seem !! like you're a gent

Christine Macdonald said...

Keep flirting with your dry tone. Ask her for the digits in case you need another little person back up posse.

Call (no texting)and ask her out for a drink. Stop yourself at 4 brandys and have the fifth at her place - or your flat. Just somewhere you can actually use your hands to flush.

TheUnwashedMass said...

Too many dicks on the dancefloor!

Oughta Say No said...

HUHLARIOUS! I love when you overshare, and that boys also get disgusted by the level of cleanliness in bathrooms.

I say it's time you ask her to hang out after class just the two of you!

One of The Guys said...

Funny and entertaining. I love the urinal scene. I was thinking, "He nailed it!"

Sorry that was all you nailed that night. Next time............

Em said...

How old is Fuckoff Dan? Like 5 or something?

Snog is guaranteed. Next move... maybe the shivering wreck move :)

Violet said...

If Dan appears to have not received a fuck off signal from her after the spewing - get steve as your wingman and suggest a repeat drunken group encounter - being sure to practise saying fuzzy duck first. buy dan a few double shot drinks so he can repeat the spew performance, only earlier in the night... Get him out of the way and completely out of her maybe box, then if she does kiss you - you will know she is for sure into you and he will get the idea too.

But maybe try and hold or even touch her hand first.

Rubbing your boner against her - whilst hot, may earn you a fuck off lol

If only I could write the hilarity of my love life as well as you

Go fishy!!

Chrissy said...

Winslet Bosom wants you bad.

Roxy said...

haha dan sucks. After your next round of drinks out together, ask her out!

Mr. Weekend said...

Fishy mate that's a shame you weren't able to get all the shitstain off the bowl. You win some, you lose some I guess. Better luck next time!

Rachael said...

hahaha Brilliant!! I've been eagerly awaiting week 4 and it so wasn't a disappointment.

Fingers crossed for week five ey ;)

S.H said...

Try again next week with the "control pants" :p

Dater at Large said...

Hurts so good to read these. Unfathomable how you haven't been swept up by some pretty young thing...

Squirly said...

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Rob Getaway said...

I would personally watch out for Steve, its always the quiet ones. I think he is simply biding his time while you and Dan fight it out, then he will step in an get the girl!


Mark my words!

Gina said...

lolz - just stumbled upon your blog, and this is what i get? LOVE it. :)

Date Girl said...

Your blog is hilarious. You're far more creative with the nicknames than I am. I need to play this Fuzzy Duck game. Sounds like a riot!

Kato said...

Well, as a lady, I say that you already have the upper hand. You achieved a little grinding action...that's good news. A kiss on the cheek, great news. You should always leave them wanting more.

And yes, I always suffer from boners on the dance floor. I can't control it. Just ask someone to S your D and that should take care of it.

I also suffer from vulgarism. Ever hear of it? :)

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

You haven't been tagged yet? Ex-cellent. I'm sure all your readers are dying to know where you think you'll be in 10 years!

http://lifebeginsat30ty.blogspot.com

Kate said...

Ah Fish I have missed you! You always deliver. As for the stiffy on the dance floor yes lots of guys get them and yes we notice and pretend we don't. Sounds like Dan was well and truly being given the NOT INTERESTED signal. You are in there!

Kate xx

Lil Ms Snarky said...

most guys go full-force-cock-sword-in-hot-chick's-ass on the dance floor. why didn't you?

ps. respectable girls don't really like that . . .

dashi30 said...

Love the post...your a great story teller! The site is beautiful as well. As for a stiffy on the dance floor I have had one but I'm usually flailing around like I'm having a seizure so I'm sure no one even noticed!! Great work!

SaraLynn said...

your blog is fabulous. you have a great since of humor! and thank you for checkin mine out!

Lou said...

Damn Fish, i said WOO her- not poke the contents of your attraction into her back! Hehe. Great post as usual. And i loved it when Dan threw up. You can't script these moments really, can you? :)

Dating Diva said...

Classic! I'd be doing more than high fiving when Dan puked, I'd be clicking my heels as I jumped off the sidewalk!

ziazitella said...

Cleaning public restrooms with urine, you're such a do-gooder.
Actually had a chuckle out loud with the ear inspection.
And a nightcap of Dan-spew, what more could an awestruck guy ask for?

www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

rental mobil said...

wow great post, nice dance.
Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.

Anonymous said...

Give up on the comedy writing. You don't have talent.

Seriously.

Nandoism™ said...

sorry it took me a while to read and comment, it's been a crazy time--being GAY and all in New York City. But your post, as always, made me laugh out loud and just want to be British. Ah, you blokes.