A Date with Depression

Get chatting to this girl on Facebook - Joanna. A common interest in politics, three inches shorter than me - this could be it.

A tad intense, mind. Offers her number, then initiates seven text conversations in one day. Next I get an email with some of her artwork. Bit weird. Turns out she has an unhealthy interest in dead celebrities.

Scan through her photos. Pretty, especially when a pair of glasses disguise her less than dainty nose. Message saying she looks sexy in specs. She'll deffo wear them on our date now.

Joanna lives in St Helens but there's no way I'm traipsing over there. She agrees to get the train to Liverpool. Arrange to meet at Lime Street - that way I can disappear in the crowds if she's a hefter.

It's a little awkward at first. She won't make eye contact and I pick up an unpleasant odour: Dettol. Least she's got her glasses on.

We find a booth in Heebie Jeebies and for a painful moment neither of us can think of anything to say. She stares into her Bacardi and lemonade, teasing the ice with a pink straw.

Ask about her family. Already mentioned I've got a memory like a sieve. Always get that in early, then I don't have to remember the boring bits like what her dad does.

We drink with haste and move on after one. Concert Square's packed. The metallic sound of a bottle smashing to the floor signals trouble ahead.

"The working classes, eh," I quip.

"I'm working class," she replies.

Two minutes later Joanna complains about all the walking.

"It'll do us good," I suggest.

"My feet hurt - I told you I've got arthritis in my toes."

Bloody memory again.

"But you're only 26?"

"I know how old I am."

The mood lightens in The Beehive, where after a few more drinks (all on me) we agree that our second date will be a game of tennis. Claims she whopped two lads single-handedly at school. That was before the arthritis kicked in - I'll batter her.

"Come on, let's go for something to eat before you get me drunk," says my date.

End up in this American diner, where she asks over a starter what I thought of her artwork.

"You've got real talent," I say.

"Aw, thanks hun - you're really sweet. If I didn't have coleslaw in my teeth I'd reach over and kiss you."

Waitress is very chatty. Part-time dance teacher, apparently. Going on about some moves which allegedly cleared a dancefloor in Malia. Tell her she's in my top three restaurant staff of all time.

"Can't believe you're flirting with the waitress," says Joanna, with jovial annoyance.

Bump into our girl again en route to the loo. Three hairs on her chin and a bit of a belly but the banter's good. Exchange another joke before she disappears into the kitchen.

One of her workmates pipes up:

"You two seem to be getting on well?"

"Yeah, she's hilarious. I've just been told off for flirting with her actually - I'm on a first date."

"How's it going?"

"Not great."

"Oh, well… Your waitress is single if you want her number?"

An embarrassed laugh accompanies me to the men's and it seems the chance has gone. But she - the colleague, the matchmaker - is waiting with a piece of paper as I leave the toilet.

"Does she know you've given me this?" I ask.

"Yep."

Head back to the table, where we're just about done. Our waitress is nowhere to be seen so another girl obliges with the bill while others smirk in the shadows. Joanna doesn't offer to go halves.

It's back down town for drinks, and she finally gets a round in while I dart for another piss.

We find a table. The conversation turns to a psychic she saw last year. Reckons it was dead weird.

"Somehow she knew about a condition I suffer from - it really spooked me out."

"What, your arthritis?"

"No, no - something else."

"Okay, well, spit it out."

Joanna takes a sip, staring deep into her drink as if it offers a cure for whatever she's got. A few seconds later she turns and whispers solemnly in my ear.

"Depression? That's a very honest thing to tell someone on a first date," I say.

"Do you think I'm a fruitloop now?"

"No, no - don't be soft. I don't care - as long as you're happy around me!"

Her smile reveals a bit too much gum. Then, out of the blue, she reaches over to meet my lips. At last I'm getting something for my £50.

"That was to say thank-you," she explains, checking her mobile as she talks. "Just got to nip to the loo."

Something occurs in the minutes that follow, for when she returns the awkwardness of Lime Street is back. Her eyes avoid mine once more.

Tell her I'm relieved she looks like her photos - the compliment isn't returned. She seems distracted and the silence is starting to linger.

Ask what's up. Turns out this place reminds her of an ex.

"Bad memories?" I enquire.

"No, not at all. Actually, coming in here has made me realise - I don't think I'm over him."

"Oh, right."

"I feel like such a bitch."

"It's okay, not a problem. It's a shame but…"

"No but I've really messed you around."

Assure her it's fine and suggest we call it a night.

"I'm really sorry," she persists.

"Look, I'm cool - plenty more fish. I'll walk you to the train station."

"I know but you like me and I've messed you around."

Er…

"Why do you think I like you?" I quiz.

"Because you kissed me."

"I kissed YOU? Er, no. You kissed ME."

"I was just saying thanks for being nice about my depression."

"That's a bit weird."

"Well, sorry. I'm sorry I kissed you and I'm sorry I've messed you around."

"Listen, you don't need to worry about me - I got the waitress's number anyway."

Joanna's face is scarlet. She peels off her spectacles, takes a step back and yells:

"I can't believe you told me that."

Her nose is pointing my way like a dagger. People turn their heads anticipating a scene.

"Well, you were acting as if you'd broken my heart," I counter.

"Who the fuck does this waitress think she is, the fat bitch? I can't believe she did that."

"Why you bothered?"

"I'm not. I don't fancy you - I just think it's cheeky is all."

"Why did you come on a date if you didn't fancy me?"

"You don't look how I expected you to look."

I try not to appear bruised.

"Well you should have done your homework and gone through my pictures, shouldn't you?" I say.

"I'm not a stalker like you, clearly."

"I'm not being funny, Joanna, but you're not as pretty as most of your pictures either. There's things I could say."

"Fuck off you knob."

With that she storms off.

An hour later I get a text apologising for the way it ended. Reply in kind before turning off my phone.

Switch it on next morning to find nine messages. A selection:

- U an that waitress wud b good togeva x
- Uve had a lucky escape from me n e hew!
- If it helps I haven't laughed like that in ages, would like to stay friends if u don't mind?
- Just comparing myself to that waitress stupidly. So u gunna go out with her?
- Can't believe how nasty uve bn to me, im insecure about the way I look and uve made me feel worse.
- Uve got issues.

Log on to Facebook - she's blocked me.

Shame. I was looking forward to that game of tennis.

Disclaimer: Names have been changed. Probably for the best. Though I'm sure she'd be pleased I used her doodle of Lennon. Also, ended up going on two dates with the waitress, Michelle, who was lovely. Just no chemistry.

49 comments:

Sarah said...

this is very funny - lucky for you to get away from the jackel and hyde. good writing style.

john said...

you asked about profiles
http://johnzworld2.blogspot.com/2009/09/google-profile.html
loved the story, poor you. but the waitress worked out okay. 2dates and she didnt go nuts on you:)

Miss Adventure said...

I've been meaning to put up some of my horror stories. I'm glad I'm not the only one that has dates like these. By the way, there ARE plenty more fish in the sea. But where I come from, most of them are mullets and flatheads.
:)

Lady Midnight said...

ahaha, funny story. i'm not an expert on first dates but that sounds entertaining at least!

Konnor said...

Just wanted to say thanks for the blog comment. I hope my writing turns out as well as you think it might! I really enjoy your blog, it makes me laugh and feel better about some of the dates I've been on. Hope you have better luck soon!

--Konnor

Crackity Jane said...

Not a clue how I came to reading this blog - probably a recommendation from someone - but I have to say I liked it. You've got a great upbeat style of writing. Good stuff!

sabulous said...

Haha! brilliant!

Danny said...

Brilliant!

plainolebob said...

excellent

lifechick said...

Thanks for the link! Funny stuff. You were lucky to escape this girl!

-lifechick
http://thelifechick.blogspot.com/

Kate said...

Hi, Loved that comment - made me laugh out loud - poor girl. Just discovered your brilliant blog hope to read more soon

Kate x

Lou said...

Haha, brilliant! I felt your pain in those awkward moments- I started to feel awkward myself! Hope you have better luck with that waitress :)

nonny said...

Hmm, that went well. lol. and you are so right, there are way plenty more fish out there. I love this, and i hope to see more from you

http://temmyno1.blogspot.com

Crunk said...

Haha, thus was epic!!

privatebenjamin said...

I love this story!! I have been feeling very despondant about dating recently and its nice to know this sort of dating hell happens to other people!!

Emma Grace* said...

this is too funny. first dates can be so awful. hope you give the waitress a call.

Charlene said...

I needed a good chuckle and you've done it. FAB blog!! Thanks!!

Anonymous said...

Excellent! So, how many dates did you go on with the waitress?

Noelle said...

Great story! Thanks for the laugh!

Chester said...

Fairdo's that was quality! My stomach did turn mind you, at the coleslaw comment - just when I was wondering what to have for my lunch too!

Brilliant stuff - keep it coming!

Carrie said...

This was great!! Nothing like a floppy fish...

Seisrush Ob said...

What's wrong with unhealthy obsessions with dead celebs?

Tami G said...

OK - LOVING the date stories!! I will have to share some of mine soon - there are some CRAZY people out there right?!

aynzan said...

This made interesting reading . I enjoyed your style of writing!!!!

www.aynzan.blogspot.com

TheSinner said...

I found this very amusing...

AJAB said...

Nice voice/writing style; funny.

"Her smile reveals a bit too much gum." ;) ...

Cracking me up over here across the pond.

little miss angry said...

cracked me up. glad i stumbled upon your blog :)and i thought i had bad dates...

Soda and Candy said...

Man that's raw! I like the honesty of the way you tell these, you don't seem to be glossing over anyone's part in anything.

: )

★ Hollie ★ said...

wow, that girl was a psycho!!!
I now appreciate my boyfriend a little more & for that, I thank U!!

8)

The Single One said...

wow. that Joanna is exactly why men think women are CRAZY!

Asthenia said...

Oh goodness! I've needed a laugh for a couple days now. Wish I had checked this out sooner, it's a riot.

RenRexx said...

she's a freak. i can't believe there are some women who act like this. it was funny to see the progression in her text messages though! lol

Wynn said...

Wow. What a first date.

Cheyelle Omar said...

Ha, I've seen a fair few "hefters" up at Heebie Jeebies in my time. You shudda gone next door to Alma De Cuba, apparently arthritis is all the rage in that gaff.

Cool blog - I'll defo be back (if ever I get depressed…hehe).

Thanx for stopping by mine, I appreciate it.

Cuddleslut said...

YIKES!!!!

relationshipgirl said...

Oh this is just hilarious - def my fave blog of yours!!

Jo said...

This is genious. Loving all these blogs:) Good job you got out of that one quick- nine messages!?!

Jo (ashamed of my full name right now!)

cleanslate2010 said...

wow! nothing like a bunch of oversharing on the first date. she sounds a bit scary! i think you dodged a bullet.

livedream said...

Loving your blog!

The funny thing is, I actually have picked up a girl in Tescos before - ok, she was a member of staff and I had no idea singles night existed but it can be done!

ryan said...

hahahaha, wow fishy-kudos on your stalker-magnet! I can imagine how entertaining it must have been to check the text-messages with your morning coffee. I agree-we should be blog siblings.
Hilarious.

Kirsten said...

You're very cute, mentally. :-) That whole thing was quite awkward. <3

Miss Alice Louise said...

I love your blog- this is too funny. You have a very good writing style.

Lena.FM said...

Is it really, no fooling, the worst date EVER? You are one lucky bastard then!

DARA... surviving the storms of life while remaining strong and beautiful. said...

Huh.... Fishy! This is a very beautiful piece. Quite an experience you had with the spectacle lady! First date could be awkward. I dread it like hell. I'm more of a lurid writer. So when i saw the tile Date with Depression I thought it was a story that would make me cry. But then I laughed like there wouldn't be a chance for another tomorrow. Did you not say you found the whole thing hilarious too and you laughed so much? Well like your date had said, you should have done your homework well going though her pics.... in my own opinion, I would suggest you do better. Thorough checking on your new date is important. Long interaction, be it though telephone conversation or emails let you know whom you are dealing with. In time you are able to tell if this is somebody you want to meet in person much more see in the public with and you quickly do some fast dishing off. I do it a lot. Do your homework well, next time Fishy so that you won't have any girl messing you around and swearing in the public, sending you funny sms, blocking you on facebook. It was quite an antics she made though. Be cool.

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Janice said...

Heh - loved the story!

I'm glad you had fun with the waitress though. Seems like this one was sort of off the hinges.

dingdongitsmrwrong said...

This is hilariously funny! Ypu have real writing talent; articulate, sharp and very very witty. I live the arc-how it switches from mundane to a full on psycho screaming match. On a real note it sounds like she suffers from some sort of personality disorder. I can't wait to read the rest!

Yessica said...

This was absolutely hilarious! Interesting to see the male perspective of this type of 'dating disasters'. I will definitely be coming back for more.

Redland Rapscallion said...

This is hilarious.

Did you find the right girl eventually?

Glad I found this blog :)

http://theredlandrapscallion.wordpress.com/2014/10/06/the-tinder-comedown/