Had a row with the old witch next door.We're discussing the parking on our street when she says:
"And another thing I want to talk to you about, Chris…"
Two years she's been getting my name wrong.
"…What's all this with you banging on my wall?"
A speck of saliva lands near my foot. If there was a walking stick handy, she'd be poking it in my chest.
"I hammer because your telly's on full blast at all hours," I reason. "I can't sleep."
A burgundy Nissan Primera creeps past. Its driver surveys the scene. This doesn't look good - you can't argue with pensioners.
The witch lifts a frail hand and waves. It's as if she's saying, 'These are my people - you're an outsider.'
Even with my new trackie bottoms, I don't belong here.
Notice a ring on her finger - emerald if I'm not mistaken. Never seen a husband. Probably died of sleep deprivation.
"I don't have my telly on after 11pm?" she lies, as her cat - who I once fed milk and ham - circles her slippered feet.
"Why would I hammer if I couldn't hear your telly?"
"You must have a glass to the wall."
If you were young and promiscuous maybe, I think. Got to be careful what I say, though; she might have a smackhead grandson.
"Why would I do that when I'm trying to sleep?"
Then she reveals her trump card.
"You've been banging at her on the other side as well, haven't you?"
How does she know that? Suddenly I'm the nightmare neighbour, the whiner, the pedant and the nit-picker.
"So? She's inconsiderate too," I counter, but there's no way back.
The witch skulks away into her dusty piss bunker, back arched and righteous.
Her parting shot cuts deep: "Yeah well, we don't do that kind of thing round here."
23 COMMENTS:
Easy solution - just get copies of 'Going for Gold' on DVD, and leave it on full whack during the day whilst you leave the house!
The noise of Henry Kelly blasting out "Who Am I?" will drive her potty all day long!
http://thedailybanksy.blogspot.com/
Is it wrong that this made me laugh. Older does not always mean serene. I went on holiday once where a bunch of over sixties were there in the same hotel and spent the entire time rolling in at about 3am and bed hopping. I wasn't sure whether to be shocked or impressed!
Katie x
Hey,
You have a very good blog. Please visit me:
http://writewhereur.blogspot.com/
Peace to you and yours...
"dusty piss bunker" haha!
Ta for the comments. I'll check yours out. Going For Gold is a show and a half. And Katie, you shouldn't have been shocked or impressed - you shpuld have hammered on the wall...
This post makes me happy not to have close neighbors!
P.S. to Katie: I vote for shocked AND impressed!
The fact is, some old people can be cunts.
I recently had to park near my doctors, but the town's car park was full and the surgery had no parking of its own. I found a road nearby, which was mostly yellow-lined, but towards the end it was fine.
I parked, and began the short walk to the surgery. This old geezer then started chasing me down the road, saying I couldn't park there, I was blocking his drive. I was sure that I'd parked against a drive-free kerb, but went back a few yards to check.
His drive was on the other side of the road, about 20 yards away! Seriously, you could have got a fleet of buses out of his drive. Then he changed his argument slightly.
"How would you like it if I parked in front of your house?" he said. "People do all the time, it's a free road" I replied. "And people park about 20 yards away too, like I have done with your house".
He got belligerent, with this moral high ground of the elderly.
It's not good telling old folk to 'fuck off' the middle of a street, but sometimes they drive you to it...
All that moaning is just a cover. I think you should go round and give her one!
i can relate to this as well...sigh...
Hahahaha, I love it!!!
Thanks for visiting me too! I like your style!
Peace to you and yours....
No matter where we move, we always have terrible neighbors. And you can't say anything, or you're a terrible neighbor. Damn.
http://thesocialdrunk.blogspot.com/
LOL... that's great!
Jenno
You are a great writer! I will follow. GREAT IMAGERY!
Blondie
Ta Blondie, lovely to hear. People should check out yours too.
SocialDrunk...I feel your pain. I'm 28 and six months ago FINALLY found a nice little flat with no neighbours other than a Spanish pensioner. I don't hear a peep - though she is trying to convert me to Jesus, and insists on giving me household good I have no use for. Gets very offended if I refuse. Anyone need an eight-year-old printer?
Stories like this make me glad I've never met my neighbours! Just discovered your blog, the posts are great...very witty and only a bit depressing. I'll keep reading!
Have you ever tried writing a personals ad? You might enjoy checking out my "hall of fame": www.funnypersonals.blogspot.com for some inspiration!
It's more of a collection than a blog at the moment but I do plan to add my own comments/experiences/critical analysis etc and it'd be cool if other people posted stuff there too.
Looking for similar blogs to this one to follow, any suggestions?
cheers!
Hi anonymous, you can find some of my favourite bloggers - they aren't 'similar' as such but they're very funny - down the side of my blog under 'Plentymorefishoutofwater recommends'. I'd go for My Midlife Crisis, Laura Tait, Secret Office Confessions and Personals.
Hope this helps...
Thanks for the tips! Looks like there are a few bloggers out there who could give the writer of "I kick puppies" a run for his money. Found some pretty amusing stuff on this site too: http://www.15minutedate.com/blog/
Sorry I didn't leave a comment on this post earlier. It was the one that got me reading more. I laughed my little socks off.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my page. I'm pretty new at this blogging scenario, so hence the lack of that 'follow' button you were looking for.
I'll have to go back and try to figure that one out. I'm looking forward to your next update.
Xb
http://chasingjonathan.blogspot.com/
p.s. I notice 'correcting punctuation' is one of your things. Please feel free to crucify me for mine, I struggle big time with it. ;0)
I have almost the same problem as you, expect my noisy neighbors are above me! It really gets me going how they seem to be loud only when I'm trying to my monster(i mean child)to bed.
Just yesterday I saw the woman outside and asked her(as nice as possible) if around 9pm they could walk just a little bit softer...it worked for last night we'll see about future nights.
8)
LOL!!!!!!
You poor thing!
You know, there's NO way to win an argument with an old person, you know that, right? 'Cause you're the snotty youngster and she's the wise old owl...just nod your head up and down and smile allot is my advice!
Ooops... sounds a challenging experience to have a neighbor like that. Just understand the person and build a good relationship with that person.
Brilliant post as always!!
I'm starting to think that your neighbour is slightly like my own, mine insists on addressing cards to "the black house" (not sure about this), calling me Rebecca/Rosie/Rabooba (the last one was actually written on one of her 'notes'), she steals wheely bin lids, car Ariels and insists on being able to park her card directly outside her house in line with her own front gate.
My advice, don't enter in to conversation with them and ask her if she's got a granddaughter you can take out to make it up to her.
Rach
x
nice post. thanks.
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