The Pasty Kiss

Sign up to Match.com. Don't receive much attention for a good month until Alice sends me a message. A nurse. Brunette, 5'3, aged 24. Quite fit. Arrange to meet in town at 8pm Friday:

SIX HOURS TO GO

Watch a repeat of ER. Research.

Pop to Somerfield for mouthwash. Mark Volante told me I stank at poker last week.

We're off to play pool - her idea. Thinks it'll be relaxed. Let's see her attitude when I seven ball her.

THE DATE

She's late. No call, no text. It's ten past now - she's got five more minutes.

Her legs finally swivel out of a black cab at twenty past. No apology. At least she looks like her picture.

Pool table's free. Pot a yellow from the break. Sink two more before snookering myself.

Thankfully she wastes her two shots.

Soon I'm down to one ball. This is easy. Alice takes off her scarf and approaches the table once more.

"Ooh, now she means business," I quip.

"You're quite the comedian, aren't you?" she responds. Not sure it's a compliment.

Tell her not to get cheeky - I'm a white belt at judo. Now she's pissing herself. Bit strange.

She has a nice laugh, mind. One of those silent ones. Hands on belly, back arched forward, mouth ajar - looks slightly handicapped.

I'm 3-0 up when my date suggests moving on. Bad loser.

Find a place on Hardman Street. There's not many seats so we ask a couple if we can invade their booth.

The bloke keeps chatting. Reckons he's a documentary maker. Full of showbiz anecdotes. Twat. I'm supposed to be the one with the brilliant job.

Head for the bog. The cubicle's locked so I reluctantly approach the urinals. If someone comes in before I get going, I'll have to pretend I've finished and come back later. Can't wee with an audience.

Use my piss to direct a Hubba Bubba along the stainless steal trough towards the drain. The little orange blob didn't bank on me having three Coronas in my armory. See you later, punk.

Thankfully the documentary maker and his missus have done one when I return.

Alice goes to text her mate to say she's okay.

"Tell her not to worry," I interrupt jokingly, "there's no such thing as rape, just surprise sex."

A risk, perhaps. She places the phone in her bag, stands and excuses herself. Luckily her destination is the toilet - not the exit. I say luckily, though I can't decide whether I'm relieved or not.

Alice doesn't look comfortable in heels. Her stride is careful and conceived - think she's drunk.

She returns with two Coronas and some cheese and onion. We're friends again. She tells me about her disabled brother; I do my horse impression. Still, the conversation always comes back to medicine.

Go outside so she can have a fag. Alice smokes as if she's had a hard life: exhaling sideways through thin lips; eyes vulnerable as they stare into the distance.

Our booth is empty when we return. Fate wants us to kiss - who am I to argue? Our mouths soon collide and it's only then that I make an alarming discovery: flaky bits of make-up on her nose and between her eyebrows. It's like kissing a pasty.

I retreat and ask if she wants another drink. Says no - thinks we should end the night on a high.

Walk her to the taxi rank but first she wants a photo of me and her outside the China Gates. Suddenly imagine Alice legs crossed on her bedroom floor, Pritt Stick and scissors in hand, making a collage of us on our first date. This girl's a loon.

Explain that I'm rubbish at goodbyes, keeping her dusty face at arm's length. She says we'll have to go for a meal next time. I nod, then point to an approaching taxi.

THE NEXT MORNING

Phone beeps. A picture message. It's me and her outside the China Gates. Now I'm scared. Feel like Jill Dando.

Text back saying it's a bit too soon for coupley photos. She asks why. I don't reply.

Internet dating is not for me.

32 comments:

Danny said...

Mate. I love your style. The way you write the posts is really original. Great story.

Dr. David Webb, PhD said...

i like short-ish blonde haired girls, except none of them look like elisha cuthbert. so...fail!

great writing though. very addictive.

La Jenno said...

But pasties *are* delicious. Just not something you'd want to lick off a dame's face.

Waterman said...

I was intrigued by the part about you guys sitting at another couples booth. In America if someone tried that they'd look at you as if you were crazy. We are a very introverted people.

omchelsea said...

scary first date photo stalker!

Layla said...

She seems.. interesting..

glitterfaith said...

well at least you had an interesting evening.......next day......hopefully no more.
better luck next time

Hunter said...

Ah, the joys of dating.

Very nice post.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

I added your blog to my Blogger's Cafe:
http://avarchives.blogspot.com/
in Library 1 - Guy's Blogs.

Good luck

AV

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Thanks, Argentum. Appreciated. The booth was very big, Waterman, not like the ones in the cafe on Seinfeld.

Soda and Candy said...

Ooh, creepy. I liked the way you wrote this!

Midnight Whisperer said...

Always great to laugh at others expense ; ) Great Post! Maybe you should try speed dating next, more options...

Kate said...

Hilarious where do you find these women? I have heard about dating in the dark maybe you should try that. Were there no waitresses to flirt with this time? Kate x

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

The internet generally, Katie. Perhaps I need to go down more traditional roots...As for dating in the dark - it would only lead to disappointment (for them).
Oooh did I mention I am going to the theatre with the waitress? Watch this space for an update...
x

shanita said...

Great writing but you should have text her back. Can you imagine what she is thinking?

Kate said...

Excellent - I hope she isn't a pastry eater! Can't wait to read the next update.

Dr. David Webb, PhD said...

Kate, Jimmy, why don't you go on a date together? Anyone fancy a threesome?

here's an idea. dress up as nice as you can, and then find the chaviest place in the chaviest town ever, and go there for a date. and no funny business under the tablet.

Dr. David Webb, PhD said...

Jimmy have you ever considered the use of GHB or Rohypnol?

Kate said...

Problem with that would be we both read each others blogs! You are supposed to pretend to be nice on the first date!

Kate x

Dr. David Webb, PhD said...

Well you know what they say, blogs lead to snogs.

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Anyway, as much as I'd like to stick around to flirt with Kate and/or David, I'm going to Blackpool with a girl I have never met from Facebook. Think I am now doing things purely to get a blog out of it. Amy, if you are reading this, that's a lie...
x

Dr. David Webb, PhD said...

Blackpool, how classy! you are a real don juan Jimmy.

imagine if this girl (amy?) turns out to be an undercover police officer with a beard!

Gabeli said...

Haha oh god that is creepy...almost as creepy as the guy I wrote about in my post...

http://lgabelis.blogspot.com

Fun blog, I enjoyed reading!

30-F-London said...

"...Pritt Stick and scissors in hand, making a collage of us on our first date. This girl's a loon.."

Hilarious!

Moooooog35 said...

I'm lost at the part of why you didn't bang her.

Loony pasty face or not, chick would have railed you.

I get so confused when people have standards.

Bamberio said...

Aw bless pasty face girl. Maybe you should have pointed her in the direction of the St Ives Facial scrub section in Boots, and hope that she managed to buy some before Paddy McGuinness mistook her for a Greggs meat and potato pasty and took a bite out of her face.

Bless.

Nice blog. I'm going to follow your exploits...

http://studsonthe22.blogspot.com/

SavvyD said...

"Tell her not to worry," I interrupt jokingly, "there's no such thing as rape, just surprise sex."

Wow, I think you both lucked out on this outing. Better watch the Coronas next time.

HellsBells said...

lol the sex comment about rape would def have frecked me out though.....obviously it didnt with her? This turned her on, that she wanted a picture hahaha oh my god

Nomad said...

harsh.

Dating Diva said...

"Surprise sex" is the best line ever!

Hmm now during the winter sometimes my face gets dry and if the guy kissing me has a lot of scruff on his face, it seems to act as an exfoliator to my nose. lol. Now I am a bit nervous to kiss anyone during winter because of this post. :/

Also, like the other American commented above, we would think you are insane for asking to share a booth. I would only agree if my current date sucked and you looked hot. ha!

Ms B said...

I think she sounds like she atleast deserves another date for not getting cut at ur jokes, its a rare female that can cope a rape joke sweet, you know I'm right.

Melissa Messer said...

Oy, how embarrassing. Sometimes a girl just needs a little exfoliation, you know? This story had me actually laughing out loud, especially when she took the expressway to crazy town at the end. I'm gonna link this in a roundup of my 20 favorite online dating stories on the website I write for, here's the link if you want to check it out: http://www.datingwebsite.com/blog/2012/disaster-dates/

Don't worry, I'll leave all of our coupley pictures out :)

Melissa