Singles' Night at Tesco

We're discussing dating in the canteen. Eve, our luscious receptionist, reckons we should all get down to Tesco one Friday after work. Apparently it's singles' night. Unofficially, like.

People are dismissive - no one's heard of it. I keep schtum. Need to do a big shop anyway; got no plans Friday. It's on.

Head down about 8pm, a splash of Calvin Klein still soaking into my face, neck and crotch.

It's all a bit quiet. Probably doesn't liven up 'til the pubs chuck out.

An old couple with an empty trolley undertake me at the onions. What are they doing here? I grunt but the geriatrics are in a world of their own.

Potatoes - check; carrots - check; eggs - check.

Remember why you're here, la. Scan the pet food aisle for skirt - nothing.

A little guy in a big suit surveys dried fruits. He's overdone it with the clobber. No competition. Throw him a knowing wink. He looks worried.

Our male bonding is suddenly interrupted by a female presence. A pigtailed girl in a knitted cardie is skipping towards us.

"Hello, young lady," I say, hoping an attractive single mum is around the corner.

The child stops dead, looks me up and down, and scurries off at pace, almost colliding with an unseen trolley that swerves into view.

It's her mother - and she's from the Finest range. Tall, dark and, I note, a fan of prunes.

A white shirt hangs over black leggings; sunglasses sit like a tiara on her chest-length hair. Stylish without being dressy - definitely the right tone for a night like this.

Follow her down cooked meats. I'll strike up a convo about something she picks off the shelves - though our girl doesn't seem to be buying much.

Of course she's not buying much - she's here to find a man.

Stay 10 paces behind along cereals, where finally she brakes to collect some Shreddies. Time to move in.

I'm right on her tail when the child's lips begin to stir.

"Mummy, that man keeps staring at you."

Throw the shitbag an evil but she's already skipping away.

Mum looks over, arms folded across her liberal bust. A pitiful shake of the head accompanies three little words that still echo in my heart.

"Get a life."

With that she's away, and I'm left scarlet-faced with Tony the Tiger. Great.

Grab a packet of Pop Tarts, pretending to read the label while she rolls down frozen foods, up wines and spirits, into home goods and out of my life forever.

A handicapped lady hums as she marches my way, an index finger in each ear. Spot little guy in a big suit two aisles down. Appears to be looking at condoms.

Scan the checkout staff. One hottie but she's got a queue.

"Would you like to come to this one?"

I hear the offer but don't look round - the voice is old and splintered.

Instead join the line for...Helen - that's what her badge says when I finally get to the front.

"Do you need some help with your packing?"

"I'm okay, thanks - as long as you don't go too fast."

The hottie smiles at my trademark quip, drawing a Biro from her tied up hair to scribble something on a receipt. I'm in.

"Have you ever heard of it being singles' night here on a Friday?"

"No. Is that why you're here?"

Helen places a delicate hand over her mouth to hide a throaty snigger.

"I needed a big shop anyway."

"Of course."

Type my PIN too fast - trying to show off. Have to re-enter.

She eventually returns my card, a lipgloss smirk still etched beneath her studded nose.

"See you next Friday," she says as I scamper to the exit.

Wait 'til I see Eve.

42 comments:

Blogger_babe32 said...

Your supermarket escapades are waaaaaay more successful than mine! Very funny...I think I need to go buy a cardie...

Hunter said...

Much like big guys in little suits, little guys in big suits are always funny.

Well done.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Waaaaay coool. I have better luck at the laundret...

AV

Robin Brown said...

A single friend's sister advised him to look for love in the aisles. Inevitably a series of unfortunate, vaguely tragic stories resulted.

In the end he met his wife-to-be on a website, which I assume was not tesco.com

plainolebob said...

Fish,
man you and Clem have the same kinda luck, cept he goes to the laundramat. lol too funny

Charlene said...

That's brilliant! Now you have me waiting anxiously for next Friday on your behalf...

Kate said...

Tesco's as the new pick up joint - can't wait to read next weeks!

Chester said...

Now the question is, if you have no joy at Tescos's will you lower yourself to Aldi or Netto???

Another superb blog!

Colin said...

Lol, Tesco...

I'll need to offer to do the shopping this friday :P

Kate said...

Do you have to adjust your shopping to make it more sexy? Champagne strawberries, candles and condoms? I mean nothing says unsexy quite like toilet bleach and chopped liver

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Good point Kate...maybe I should have got the pile cream from the chemist. Eek.
x

Konnor said...

Quite a laugh mate...better luck next time! "get a life"....what a funny line. I didn't think people were that rude in real life!

--Konnor

Innocent Owner Of Mad Cats said...

This brings back such memories. I'm still traumatized. :)

mo.stoneskin said...

This post was brilliant. I'm sad I haven't read you before. 'fan of prunes', pure class. Singles night at Tesco, perhaps not so classy.

Gabeli said...

Haha, you are hilarious...love the girl hunting escapades.

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Thanks for your comments guys, they mean a lot. Colin, fancy being my wing man at Morrisons on Friday? ;-)

★ Hollie ★ said...

This blog was hilarious!! I love your writing style & humor.

Instead of the grocery store, next time you should try a bookstore!! Who knows~ you might find a hot (glasses wearing) librarian type...lol

I've only been blogging for 2 days, but I have read about 75 blogs & yours is BY FAR, the best!!!

You kept me reading from line 1 all the way to the end.

:)

Andy said...

Definitely good for a laugh, having grown up in the Isle of Man and now living in Mozambique I miss the northern (scouse) humour!

Iellalouisa said...

This has cracked me up! You wanna get yourself down to my Tesco, you'd love it in there!!!

I;ve even posted a blog about it ha ha!

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious! Wish you lived state side so I could introduce you to my buxom niece!

Jan said...

You write well. Don't give up on meeting someone special at stores though. I met my husband in front of the mall! I say try again tonight!

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Oooh so there is still hope then Jan...and as for the buxom nice - bring it on.
x

Cowgurlup73 said...

Im a little lost. Lotsa lingo here I didnt understand. Maybe its a location thing....

Sarah said...

Have you ever thought of writing a book? Because I would definitely read it..You really have a great writing style!

sarah-writerinmaking.blogspot.com

Charli :) said...

i'm going to have to say lol.
phonetically pronounced of course (:.

that is just shame dude,
but i'd have a word or two with "Eve"

Lovedd it (:

"The Invisible Seductress" said...

I am absolutely not "sniggerin" at you...I am "sniggerin" with you.

Dr. David Webb, PhD said...

Jimmy, it's just one fucking lol after the next with you.

Andy said...

is a 'no name brand' girlfriend cheaper than a regular one?!

accidentally, kle said...

this was hilarious... your blog is a hoot :)

Kitty Moore said...

erm, I have to ask. The CK on the crotch - not applied directly right? Cos that would sting (I imagine) or do you like that? But if you sprayed it over your pants then that would leave you with a stain type thing right over your man bits- which won't help your pulling technique.

x

Tina said...

Fish, how you'll miss these adventures when you find love...

boxofficegirl said...

I wondered who that man was following me and my daughter...?

Moooooog35 said...

My cart full of adult underwear usually ends up being a deal-breaker.

plainolebob said...

CONGRATS

Steve said...

Interesting story. I always had trouble meeting people in places like the library or the grocery store, unless I wasn't looking.

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jassy_onya'e said...

Wow, im glad I read this post. Funny I must say & the ending was perfect. The lady with the leggings and white shirt didn't have to be such a beezy. I would have smiled and then that would have been your que. Anyway the ending was good =]

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha Blown out good style! Next time don't stare so much, little subtle glances do the trick. You'll end up being arrested for stalking!!

Elizabeth xx

Dating said...

Fish, how you'll miss these adventures when you find love...

Mary Jonson said...

Thanks! Nice article!

Brad Smith said...

Your exploits remind me of myself in my younger days - funny stuff!

tipsondating said...

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