The Ladies' Toilet

New girl starts at work. Knee-length skirt clinging to childbearing hips; two loose buttons hinting at unknown treasures beneath a well-ironed blouse.

There's more: a nervous smile as we're introduced is bracketed by dimples. I'm smitten.

Try to make eye contact throughout the morning but her mind is elsewhere - must be first-day nerves.

People slope out for lunch alone or in pairs. Soon it's just me and her. Think I'll see if she fancies a McDonald's. Need the loo first, though.

The men's is engaged. If I'm not back soon she might go. I'll use the ladies'. Go in there quite often anyway. It's cleaner and who's going to know?

Takes longer than anticipated and there's a stain after I flush. Cover it up with toilet paper.

Feel a presence as I step into the corridor, and the scent of an unfamiliar perfume contrasts sharply to the odour I've left behind. It's her.

"Isn't this the ladies'?" she enquires, in a tone that tells me an answer is not required.

Blood rushes to my cheeks. There's nothing to say. Scurry back to my desk.

It's several seconds before I hear her footsteps venturing towards the vacant room, and several more before she dares enter.

Spend the afternoon trying not to make eye contact. It isn't difficult.

43 comments:

mo.stoneskin said...

I can't believe you left a stain in the ladies while risking discovery. Simply covering it with toilet papet is never enough.

Actually she texted me this morning. Said some freak was in the ladies toilets...

Mr London Street said...

Offering her a McDonalds suggests you might have bigger problems than a skidmark in the ladies.

JennyMac said...

I hate to say this is a share worthy story she likely told her pals. LOL. The good news, she met so many people that day and will meet more people in the days to come..perhaps it will all be a blur?

little miss angry said...

dear GOD!!

Innocent Owner Of Mad Cats said...

JennyMac - She can meet a thousand people, I don't think this will be a blur. LOL

PMFOOW everyone knows you need a lookout when you do things like this and thats exactly why.

Hunter said...

So she caught you in a gender-bending switcheroo where you dropped a deuce. At least you got the awkward body function stuff out of the way up front.

I smell marriage. Or a skid mark.

Fun post!

Sarah said...

Haha I agree with Jenny: she'll definitely share this bit with her friends. And it was part of her first day on a new job, so I doubt she'll forget it so easily...you always remember your first day somewhere! Just tell yourself that it can only get better with her!

Sarah

Tami G said...

HA HA - great story
and yes - from a girl's standpoint - this story will live on for sure...

In fact, I wonder if she has a blog out there?!?! LMAO!!!!

Tami G

Ley said...

If you were trying to make sure she never forgot about you, good job. However, I don't think you'll ever fill the spot of "the one that got away."

Welsh Girl said...

There's no way to look at this and not go 'ouch'. Just accept that she may NEVER make eye contact with you after this! Oh, and with the next 'new girl' maybe you could go one up from McDonalds? Really go to town and try Pret a Manger - it sounds french so must be glamorous

Lou said...

You certainly know how to make a first impression! Haha. I agree with the others...she won't forget you now! :)

Kate said...

Oh no! Well I suppose it could have been worse - you could have eaten curry. Still probably not the best first impression ha ha.

By the way thanks again :)

Kate x

Sparkless said...

LOL!!! Great first impression. I'm sure she won't forget who you are.

Rick said...

Time for a new job. Only thing that would have been worse is if she caught you jerking it.

Tina said...

Oh, I felt the blood drop out of my face in total empathy. The horror!

ByDSea said...

Ha, that's very funny. Hopefully Hunter's theory holds true. All the awkward stuff is dealt with. LOL
Cheers
C

You Make My Date said...

Hahaha love it! This is what I would have said to her though:
"Fancy seeing you here. Do you come here often?"
...And then bolted.

Keren David said...

Sometimes I think you must have a death wish - or at least an unconscious urge to repel women. Hmmm...Anyway should there ever be another occasion like this (and dear God I hope there will not) then use the toilet brush and then the air freshener. Please.

Sarah said...

go in there quite often? what were you thinking? it's about time you get caught. :)

Aunt Juicebox said...

Holy crap dude! LOL Sorry 'bout your luck.

Melissa said...

Do they not have multi stalls in your office?

If they do, why wouldnt you do what women do when they have to poo?

Stay in the stall until its all clear.

clo said...

Oh no! You never know maybe you'll look back on this and laugh in the future with her. If it makes you feel better on my first day I fainted into a photocopier and broke the paper tray. The office manager called the paramedics and the ambulance and fire dept arrived too. I was mortified. Over a year on and it doesn't get mentioned so much...so there's hope she'll forget...

Nomad said...

haha what great luck you have... look on the bright side though. at least you are not constipated...

john said...

lmao thats horrible :D
poor guy.
didnt your dad teach you not to shit where live. there is only 1 reason to go in the girls room and thats NOT it! :)

Secretia said...

It happesns, it's awkward, what are you gonna do.

jo said...

oh man that's awkward. but you should have tried to make conversation with her right outside the toilet so that you could let the air clear a lil first before she attempted to go in. kill 2 birds with 1 stone and all that.

hangeleven said...

Sorry man but I fail to see the problem. The whole peacock dance between men and women is an act of inane and inate stupidity. If the chick is gonna think less of me cause I left a skid in the super bowl well then I am not sure I even want her company regardless of how stunningly attractive she is. I think that once a person forgets the male/female dichotomy and just sees it as two humans reaching out to each other only then can said person interact in confidence free of embarassing incidents. Why are you interested in this woman in the first place is it purely physical if so then unless you look like a greek god with a better body there will be plenty more embarassing moments when you try to get her in the sack. If your interests are more long term then an incident like this will be of no consequence in the long run. I say ask her to lunch as if the loo issue was no big deal (I think an invitation to McDonalds would be twice as embarrassing as a skid in the bowl). Good luck man. Knock'm Dead

plainolebob said...

FOW, you know the old expression, it could've been worse, oops not here, at least the tp wasn't stuck to your shoe also.

Miss Rosa said...

Yeesh ... :) Perhaps in a few days it won't be quite so awkward.

Aion said...

How Funny! She sounds like a dream girl... turn it around guy! Bring out the "inner MAN" and MAKE her laugh about it... "the jokes on you" .. might work to your advantage.. you never know. Hopefully that could be the "opening" you've been waiting for. Go for it, you have nothing to lose at this point lol

Dr. T.L. Sanderfer said...

Well ... she noticed you ... that's a start.

Gillian said...

Dirty old man....LOL

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. Appreciated as always.
For those who say Maccies is not classy enough to impress a woman...I'm fairly sure you are wrong on this...have you tried their new premium range?
No multi-stalls, Melissa - and I never knew women did that. You're a strange breed. The fact new girl waited outside the loo rather than coming back later disturbed me somewhat.
Clo, that did make me feel better, thank-you.
Hangeleven - nice theory, but you're presuming men and women are the same, that they think the same. They don't. Isn't it patently obvious from my blog I haven't got a clue how a woman's mind works? That's where the difficulties come in.
Much love x

Dater at Large said...

Am I the only one who finds the fact that you don't know how to hide skid marks in the toilet the REAL issue here?!

Double flush, my man, right after the deed and then again after the toilet papering.

Maybe only women know these things?

lifechick said...

At least she'll have no expectations of you. When you do something cool (and not cringe-worthy), she'll be pleasantly surprised.

Yes, I always try to find the bright side!

30-F-London said...

Hilarious!

Fish Nat!on said...

Very funny. For this reason, I never do that anywhere but my own lair.

Munial said...

That, is always the way. Should've given her the old "I'd give it a minute love.."

Tony Anders said...

Hilarious as I am no stranger to "potty-noia". I work with females and we all share the same bathroom. Sometimes it is worth taking an early lunchbreak as opposed to opening the door, and passing in the threshold to have them hurridly back outo fo the room. We call it "putting up a road block" lol. Thanks for sharing!

http://artisanofthehumanspirit.blogspot.com/

Nanna said...

It's amazing how men speak about going to the loo (to do a number 2) so freely!

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Alright nanna, I thought you were dead!

Hannah Miet said...

Oh, fuck. I'm smacking myself on the head. Maybe your office is big enough that she will forget the encounter and you'll get a second chance?

Just stumbled upon your blog and I love it. Congrats on the radio gig.

Elizabeth Darvill said...

hahaha she will remember. Hopefully she has a good enough sense of humor not to cloud her judgement of you too much! Best of luck!