As it's Sunday I thought I'd write a confession about something that happened in 2004. Something for which I am sorry. Meet Catherine…We met in a nightclub. Usual routine: I glared, she didn't look too afraid; I danced closer, she didn't retreat. Our lips soon met and I went home with her number.
A date was arranged. Posh restaurant. Went well - though I had to pretend to like wine. Another snog, then separate taxis home.
Three days later we went bowling. Thrashed her. Only problem was the conversation - hadn't noticed how boring she was until our first sober date. Kept telling me about her day.
Decided to give her one more chance. It was practice if nothing else. We'd go out near my house - no expensive taxis.
She didn't bang on too much this time and, after several brandy and lemonades, we walked through torrential rain back to mine - though her tuppence stayed in its purse.
Catherine woke up first in the morning. Began pottering - looking for socks. Hers were damp from the rain.
"I'm borrowing your Stevie Wonder CD too," she declared, and was out the door before I could protest.
Implied borrowing - that doesn't come until at least date six. Her presumptuous behaviour combined with all the girl talk left me no choice - this had to end. Just needed to figure out how to get Stevie and the socks back.
Devised a plan - but it required another date. A film night at hers. I'd sit through the movie, collect my belongings and ignore all future contact. Perfect.
She agreed but insisted on cooking. Her lasagne was vile - not enough cheese sauce. At least I could drop the wine pretence now.
Catherine insisted on holding hands throughout There's Something About Mary, a chore that became less annoying with each bottle of Latin American lager.
In fact, by the time Ted and Mary were locked in their final embrace, I was accidentally fondling her nipples.
Hadn't had sex for 18 months - but I couldn't break my enforced celibacy with a girl I was about to dump, could I?
Shamefully, yes - though it didn't last long.
There's a joke in TV show Curb Your Enthusiasm about how small penises are mocked but no one mentions the giant vagina. Well, sleeping with Catherine was like opening a window and trying to shag the world.
After five minutes I gave up, asking her to finish me off while plotting my escape.
"You're leaving?" she queried as I gathered Stevie and my socks.
"I'm really sorry - I've got to be up dead early."
"Can't you stay? We've just…you know. I was kind of hoping we could spend the night together."
She was becoming tearful but I held my nerve and scarpered.
Two days later Catherine texted - did I want to meet? Couldn't bring myself to reply. After three hours my phone vibrated once more.
"You complete bastard."
I couldn't argue with that.
22 comments:
Ah, yes, the giant vagina -like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Nice post. I hope you get some takers on the confessional.
'Like opening a window and trying to shag the world.' Quite possibly the funniest thing i've read. Ever.
You really know how to tell a story and keep me reading. Although the women you meet make me feel ashamed to be a woman! So so needy. As much as it pains me to say this, I actually don't blame your act of bastardry! How could she take your Stevie Wonder CD? The cheek!
Brilliant post :)
Keep them coming! I can't wait to hear more confessions! I'm too pure for any of my own though, hahahaha. Great story mate!
--Konnor
Ahaha, loved the story. My flatmate James has a saying similar to your window analogy: "It's like throwing a mini-frankfurt down the hallway."
:)
Oh dear - I remember a very drunken night discussion with other girls about the dreaded bucket fanny. There are exercises you do to keep tight....
Loved the story as usual!
Kate x
I like it. Another sure fire way to rid yourself of an unwanted girl after you have shagged her is to suggest a three way inappropriately early in the courtship. Either she agrees and you get a three way or she doesn't and you tell her she's too prude. Win win I say. I might have to contribute a Sunday Confidential in the near future.
Or you could be a man and say "Hey man, I'm just not feeling it. I don't think this is going to work out. Oh, BEE TEE DOUBLEYEW, I want my shit back. 'Borrowing' them like that wasn't cool."
Haha, your act of bastardry towards that Catherine is completely understandable!
I'm liking this Sunday confessional so far. I hope there will be more. (:
missykimmy.blogspot.com
no wonder I'm such a fan of yours...anyone who has an appreciation for Curb Your Enthusiasm gets it. period.
--QUARTERlifeCRISIS
(whoaismuah.blogspot.com)
This is an interesting blog!
Secretia
hahahaah.....like opening a window and trying to shag the world.
The word shag never loses it lustre to me. :)
The giant vagina is indeed a natural phenomenon. It can make some even feel less of a man.
But the clingy behavior too early can be a bit unattractive. Especially seeing that she has no GF rights or anything.
markthisup.blogspot.com
Wow, those must have been some nice socks!
Hmmm! You certainly have a way with words! I think I'm feeling the same way about my husband!!!
You deserve a kiss!
hahaha
Giant vaginas, small penises- it's all relative. How can you tell whose really at fault?
how do you accidently fondle nipples? lol/
anyway, we all have our moments of bastardry..bitchiness.
i'll be sending in my confession soon. anonymously of course. like this idea of yours ;)
Did you get the socks and CD back?? Assumed borrowing is not ok with me!
Like others, I love the shagging the whole world analogy.
Weird how you keep meeting crazies. I keep meeting men that have no idea how to actually pursue or date a woman. Or they are simply boring.
Giant vagina - aaarrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!! Paranoia central - me and my 30 year old vagina - http://30-f-london.blogspot.com/2009/07/thirty-year-old-vagina.html.
hahahhahahahahah large VAH-GY-NAH!!!
couldn't help but hear it sliding down the hallway.....
thank you- i will be submitting my email to you soon :)
Oh my god, I'm with others here, that line:
"Well, sleeping with Catherine was like opening a window and trying to shag the world."
That's just got to be the best line I've ever seen on the internet!!
well & truly spat my cookies out at that one!!
Funniest thing I've read in ages!
you already know I think you are awesome and enjoy reading your blog but I had to read a few posts of yours to my hubby. He laughed so hard at the "opening a window and shagging the world." I've never heard him laugh so hard. I'm sure you will have another follower now! hehe :)
hilariousness....
It took several minutes for me to stop laughing at the "trying to open a window and shag the world" line....
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