The Musty Bed Sheets

Get a new message on Plentyoffish.com - little minx called Michelle. Blonde and busty, with thick red lips that hint at promiscuity.

Ask if she's prepared to lie about how we met (yes); what she does for a living (nurse in a hospice); and how she'd entertain me on a long train journey.

"It depends how many dates we'd been on and whether the toilets were free," she replies to the latter, and I'm left consoling a little stiffy.

We hook up on Facebook. She comments on my status - marking her territory.

Even develop pet names: I'm her Tit Ed, she's my Flange. Affectionate abuse.

Hang on a minute, though - who's this Andy bloke writing on her wall?

Hey Michelle, thanks for today. You're an angel. See you next week xxx

Try to look at his profile - it's private. Cock.

Can't be doing with sloppy seconds. Decide to confront her.

Me: Hey you, how was your day? Been up to much? x

Flange: Alright Tit Ed, was just thinking about you. That seems to be happening a lot lately! Not a great day to be honest - been at work. Enough said, eh. How about you? x

Oh, she's good - very good.

Me: Oh, right. Saw that comment on your wall and thought you'd been doing something fun. Been at work too. Major drama with the snack machine. Mars bar never dropped out. Had no change left. Wasn't happy x

Flange: Grr, don't you hate it when that happens! No - afraid Andy isn't having much fun right now…he's a patient at the hospice x

Thank God for that.

Me: Fair enough. Anyway, logging off now - got to rustle up some tea. Speak soon x

Later that evening we discuss meeting up. Drinks in town - no train rides just yet. I'm her first online date, apparently. First and last.

Big day arrives. Scan through our messages - revision. Write a list of conversations on my mobile. If there's an awkward silence, I'll nip to the loo and swot up.

Sniff my bed sheets. Bit musty. Can't be bothered washing them now - they'll have to do.

We said 8pm but I arrive early. Find a prominent spot by the ticket booth. One or two strays wait nearby: a portly woman in a coral blouse; a middle-aged gent, hands cupped nervously behind his back.

It's 8.05pm and the gent is leading his date past a Big Issue vendor into the highstreet.

Glance at my mobile. She's probably stuck underground with no signal. Portly woman is no doubt waiting for someone on the same train.

Or not. It's 8.20pm and she's wobbled off in the din of another arrival.

The ticket inspector glances over. Thinks I've been stood up. Fake a yawn to show I'm relaxed.

I'll phone her. Ring...ring...ri...

...Hi, this is Michelle, leave a message and I'll get back to you.

Managed to avoid the pre-date call - so this is the first time I've heard her voice.

Hey Flange, it's Tit Ed, just wondering how long you're going to be - I'm standing here like a lemon? See you soon.

Check Facebook - kill a bit of time. Click on her page. Can't access it. Bit weird. Hold on - she's deleted me.

My heart sinks with embarrassment. Flange isn't coming. I have been stood up.

This time her mobile goes straight to answer phone.

Hey Flange, it's Tit Ed again. That name seems quite appropriate now. I'm just glad I didn't waste time cleaning my sheets. Anyway, you've clearly got mental issues - hope you find someone suitable. All the best.

The ticket inspector smirks as I amble away. Leave the phone against my ear - make it look like I'm simply being redirected elsewhere by a mate.

Turn on my laptop. She's disappeared from Plentyoffish.

Fall asleep on the sofa watching Stand By Me. Wake up at 3.47am with a stiff neck and a bruised ego. Maybe online dating is not for me...

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ouch! Had one of them but never been stood up like. Chin up fella, diamond in the rough and all that.

Ani said...

oh dear. Well at least you haven't found your mass murderer yet! I've read about that happening a few times... again, its the Chat magazines i read in the staff room.

put me right off online dating if you ask me...

Aunt Juicebox said...

Oh sweetheart, don't give up yet! You're bound to find a lot of duds with that kind of dating, anyway. Well, with ANY kind of dating really. I'm grateful I don't have to date and can stick mainly with one nighters. ;)

Lainey. said...

That is a poor show from Flange. A really poor show.

She could at least have made up some feeble excuse.

In the words of that great philophiser, Jon Bon Jovi, Keep The Faith.

Hunter said...

This definitely calls for copious amounts of voice messages declaring your love for her.

Girls love that sort of thing from guys they stood up. Or maybe they find it creepy. I always get confused about things like that. ;)

Lexicon said...

It cant possibly be appropriate to have her patients on her facebook. also I've always thought~beware of women who are sexually suggestive too soon. If that's their only hook it doesnt bode well for depth.

Keren David said...

Bitch. Probably a lucky escape though.
Love the major drama with the snack machine...

Kato said...

Poor guy.

Stand By Me is maybe not the movie to watch after an incident like that though...

What a nutcase that girl was.

Scarlet said...

My sympathies, but on the brighter side her loss

S xx

clo said...

Oh dear...I think it's just plenty of fish though. A guy who looked in his 50s yelled at me on there for not replying to his message which asked if I was the stripper who'd been sitting on his knee a couple of nights before. I think I really attract the charmers.
Although I agree with the comment above...beware of the ones who are overly sexual to start with because that probably is all they've got.

Kate Lightfoot said...

oops!She was probably really timid-not the sex siren she had made herself out to be-all talk, no action-so meeting you and the fear of you finding out her true nature was too much for poor Flange! Or did she hear about your musty bed sheets? Must admit I wouldn't meet anyone who called me Flange!!!!!

Miss OverThinker said...

Loved your second voice message - she deserved it.. I have been on POF for several months but only met one guy since (nice guy, no chemistry - I was eyeing other guys when I was sitting with him - yes I can be a bitch that way)..Since then I haven't met anyone nor have told anyone that I would.. I am too chickenshit to be meeting someone through an online dating site - why do I have my profile there..I am hoping one of these days I'll come across a profile that's too tempting for me to pass off..

.::Kassandra::. said...

sorry to hear! Dont give up though!!

Bamberio said...

Sod psycho-Flange, did the snack machine ever get fixed?

The Lioness said...

I say post her name and we can all go to her Facebook account and send her evil messages. I'm just kidding.............kindof

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

Or maybe she's dead? BTW, is that the picture of your real bed?

www.datinglondonrealstories.com

Claire said...

Lucky escape, I reckon. She could have at least had the common decency to tell you she wasn't coming.

theblueeyedboy said...

Tardiness and rudeness, my two biggest pet peeves! At least you're not afraid to put yourself out there. I envy that.

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Thanks for the comments, everyone.
Spoke to a mate today - he suggested Flange might have turned up, seen what I looked like and scarpered. Ha.
BBG, not my sheets, got the pic from Google Images...my sheets are dark blie :-)

Rapunzel said...

So it's not just the guys that are odd in online dating world?!

I was beginning to wonder. Read about the guy whose first mail to me explained that he had a small appendage but could make up for it in other ways!

www.talesfromthetower.co.uk

Keren David said...

Maybe she was the lady in the coral blouse.

Red Chocers said...

I agree with Lexicon, women like that are such boring people that they have to use sex to keep guys entertained so count yourself lucky.

Personally I prefer to meet new people through friends or friends of friends, that way you know they have *some* social skills

little miss angry said...

ouch. ouch. but obviously she's got mental issues. and so obviously her loss!!

ByDSea said...

Horrid wench! Not even a call? Wow. You will one day meet someone lovely, until then, I think you should take on Hunter's advice, just for the sheer entertainment purposes. Would be funny!
Cheers,
C

Kate said...

You don;t want to date her, standing you up, being generally nuts and befriending her patients. This girl has a screw loose. Better luck on the next one

Kate xx

Anonymous said...

What a bitch. Obviously she has no class if she didn't have the decency to at least let you know she was not going to come.
Her loss anyway.

Online dating is overrated in my opinion. Go for the old fashioned way.

Rick said...

That sucks man. That's why there is prostitutes and internet porn.

Hannah Miet said...

I didn't see the rest of your correspondences, so I can't fully judge, but I feel like her answer to your train question wasn't anything special. Any woman with some semblance of a brain can conjure a sexy comeback. I figured the point of such a question, straight off the bat, was the creativity of the answer.

Maybe you should be more selective? The more selective, the less bimbo-esque mental cases.

Hannah Miet said...

Brilliant voice message, by the way.

I've never internet dated, and I can't say your stories are veering me any closer in that direction...but they are very entertaining.

Good luck next time, I guess...

freckledk said...

The saddest thing about this post was the stranded Mars bar. You dodged a bullet with this one; if someone flakes out on a first date, can you imagine what a cock they would be later on, when they aren't so concerned with making a good impression?! But I am sorry that you were left standing around, waiting on her. A pox on her house, or on her person.

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

I agree with Hannah there - the train comeback was OK but not amazing. Being selective is a good thing.
www.datinglondonrealstories.com

Dating Diva said...

Oh wow, I've had that stuff happen to me too. :( It's not fun. But at least you didn't waste time doing your laundry for someone who wouldn't have appreciated clean sheets. ;)

Kitty Moore said...

I think she didn't turn up because of your comment about that message from Andy on her wall. If that were me, it would have had alarm bells ringing - 'shit, he is going to be really possessive and jealous'. Just a thought...

SavvyD said...

Wow! seems like things aren't any better on your side of the pond!!! YIKES! I think ALL of us seem to have mental issues. Oh well, I was going to tell you not to take FB so seriously, but then she deleted you. Grrrr.

SavvyD said...

PS Thanks for having stopped by my little page.

Jalinee said...

OUCH. sorry about the crazy psycho and your musty sheets. sounds like things should start to look up however. always look ahead!!

so im going to look forward to future posts. keep it up!

ziazitella said...

Facebooking so soon - nah, that's what kills it. Too soon to jump into their/your world. Leave things in the dark a bit longer next time.

Morgan said...

Not that I think you're a bad person or anything, but I probably would have done the same. I'm terrified about the idea about having to actually meet someone I met online.

That said, a phone call would have been decent of her, she probably isn't really a minx and realized she might have to live up to that image...

Technolustmaxx said...

This blog is a bit like Bridget Jones having an orgamic aneurysm.

I'm noting rules for when I eventually encounter my future ex-wife.

trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

jo said...

i love how you straight up told her that she had mental issues. i'm sorry that you got stood up but at least you knew early on what a nutcase she was...

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Like others have said, it's probably best your relationship cut off when it did. No sense wasting time on a bird with mental issues. And besides, there's plenty of fish..etc., etc., etc.,

Princess T said...

Aawwww :( that story makes me sad...

You Make My Date said...

Omg, what a biatch! I can see why you're scarred by your online experiences...mine haven't been much better, although it's my fault (as you've read), not theirs!

I'd say keep trying - it's a numbers game!

The Single One said...

I would have dropped you too. Seems way too possesive to inquire about other posts on her fb page! Creepy.
It's really none of your business what she's doing before you even meet her--and for up to three months of dating.

But don't give up on the internet yet! These things take time.

www.date-report.blogspot.com

Innocent Owner Of Mad Cats said...

I don't think she saw you and left. You were deleted from her facebook and she was off of the date site too fast. I think she's just mental. Her loss buddy.

Something She Dated said...

aww sucky! being stood up is one of my huge fears about online dating...just standing there all awkward...

though if you think about it....really you got off easy...knowing what you know now...imagine what dating this dipshit would have been like? She clearly had a mad case of dysfunctionitis...don't give up on online dating...but maybe up the screening ante a bit :)

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