The Virtual Date

I've had some pretty strange dates over the years - but my latest rendezvous with Rapunzel takes the biscuit. There was no dressing up, no holding hands and definitely no awkward kisses. That's because we're both too busy for a real second date right now - so we arranged a virtual one instead. Here's what happened:

"I can't believe you've never used Skype," says Rapunzel.

"I can't believe I'm talking to my computer. The cat's giving me funny looks."

"Well I'll put my webcam on - she'll be able to see me then."

My date suddenly appears, fretting over her lack of make-up. I hadn't noticed. Mildred is less forgiving, bounding off the sofa with a scowl.

"Go on then - switch yours on," orders Rapunzel.

"Haven't got one," I lie.

Feel a bit guilty - but I just want to sit and scratch my balls. Like I would with a real girlfriend.

"What would you normally be doing on a Thursday night?" she enquires.

Shit. Can't tell her the truth. She probably doesn't even know what the 10-minute freeview is. Spin a line about usually having friends round for food. She buys it.

I'm treated to a tour of her apartment, which overlooks Manchester city centre. At one point Rapunzel stumbles and I get an eyeful of cleavage.

"What do you think of the view?" she asks.

"Stunning," I reply.

We relocate to the kitchen to cook dinner. She's doing a Thai red curry. Makes a right mess. Not sure I could marry someone who doesn't wash up as they go along.

Encourage her to add more coconut milk - she pretends not to hear.

Rapunzel cracks open a bottle of white wine as we tuck into our grub. I'm having red with my bangers and mash - or at least that's what I tell her. Sounds more sophisticated than pineapple juice.

A door slams in the background. Her flatmate's home. The Aussie fella.

"Why have you gone all quiet?" she queries.

"I can't talk while he's listening," I explain. "Too much pressure - it's like weeing at the urinals."

She agrees to call me back when Crocodile Dundee retires to his room. Need a wee anyway. Take my laptop along in case she rings mid-flow.

I'm just finishing up when the call comes.

"What's that noise," she enquires as I flush.

"Nothing - I'm just getting a glass of water."

Challenge my date to a game of online Scrabble. She bursts into the lead with BLADDER. I strike back with TENACITY. An epic 53 minutes later victory is finally secure - she's got no response to my VULVA.

Rapunzel insists on watching Grey's Anatomy but agrees to switch over for Question Time at 10.35pm.

"Can you be quiet please?" I complain. "You can't talk over David Dimbleby."

"Are you being serious?"

"Yes - it's my favourite show."

We spend the next hour in near silence.

"Can I speak now?" she asks when the credits eventually roll.

"You may."

Reckon I'm in the bad books so I offer to play her a song on guitar. Her smile beams through cyberspace as I strum the opening chords to Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits. She's speechless.

It's almost bed time. We head to the bathroom to brush our teeth. Rapunzel is very methodical. Takes almost three minutes. Mental.

Next she starts moisturising. Bugger this - I'm off to warm the bed.

At last my girl slopes in. I've dreamt about this for weeks - me and her under the sheets. A virtual boner rages beneath my laptop.

Then, out of the blue, Rapunzel presses escape…

"Do you mind if we call it a night?" she says. "I'm knackered."

Bloody hell - it's like we're in a relationship already.

"Ach, I suppose not."

She blows me a kiss. I reply in kind.

"You're not going to describe THAT as awkward in your blog, are you?" I enquire.

"You'll have to wait and see."

A comfortable silence lingers for 10 or 15 seconds.

"Go on then, hang up," teases Rapunzel.

"No, you hang up," I reply.

And she does. Bit rude.

It's almost 1am as I place my laptop on the floor and drift slowly into a dream about...

...well I can't really go into detail - she might be reading.

* Rapunzel and I will be going on a proper second date when we're both a little less busy with work and stuff. In the meantime, read her version of our virtual date here.

41 comments:

Charlene said...

Haven't read her report yet which will not doubt be even funnier now that I've read yours... but you already have me a laughing out loud. I've said it before but seriously, you need to turn this into a book/screenplay. SO much more entertaining than Julie & Julia!

Best
The Balance Beam Babe (hehe)
www.beamingbalance.com

theblueeyedboy said...

Great post. I have my fingers crossed for you two.

i am cheapskate said...

Pineapple juice with bangers and mash!? Are you crazy?

Good read that. Nice one.

freckledk said...

Oh, I hope it goes well with you two, although dueling break-up posts would be horrifyingly entertaining. Still, I'm crossing everything cross-able that you'll couple up and have snarky little babies together.

There's always a million reasons not to do something said...

ahh! I love it. I'm hooked. I've had to begin following her as well, but just know I'm faithful first to you :) hehe

Keren David said...

Come on Rapunzel, we want to read your version.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Thanks. I about splurted coffee all over my keyboard at you getting a virtual looky-loo of her boobs. Sounds like you guys are getting along grand!


http://lifebeginsat30ty.blogspot.com

Doog said...

I wash up as i go along too. My girlfriend does not - so I understand your hesistancy. We got through it after a while, but it is always worth finding these things out before hand. saves on the heartache.

ps - my missus is always generous with the coconut milk - not sure we would survive that one.

Dating Diva said...

I think you are a little obsessed with taking a dump all of the time Fish. LOL.

Blenche said...

Hilarious! Thanks for that!

That Gal Kiki said...

I love the fact that you told the truth about not telling the truth. I did that Skyping once too.

I can't wait for more.

Miss Alpha said...

I'm jealous. Nice post!

Kitty Moore said...

I'm off to read Rapunzel's version of events...and re: advice for Cyprus, one word 'DON'T'!

Kitty x

Kato said...

Rapunzel is a lucky girl. How sweet are you to bring your laptop to the john just in case she called 'mid squeeze'?

You really are my hero, boner and all!

Can't wait to read about your second date! I am rooting for you to get some action!

Sparkless said...

I absolutely love reading your account of the date and then Rapunzel's. Had a good laugh this morning. Virtual date, my goodness, what's next?!!

Matthew said...

Great stuff. I'd worry more about Greys Anatomy than doing the washing up as she goes along, but that's just me.

Kelly said...

Sounds like Inter-love...
can't wait until the post of the "real date"!

Nicole said...

Hahahaha! Virtual boner....awesome!

You always make me laugh!

Chrissy said...

"YOU hang up..."

"No, YOU hang up..."

It's starting already.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Perhaps, Chrissy - except she did actually hang up after one round of teasing...
Matthew - spot on mate. And after reading her blog it's clear she lied about switching to Question Time.
Kitty - I'll let you know how I get on.
Thanks Charlene and everyone else for your comments so far - appreciated as always.

Em said...

OMG, this is FAR better than any book, movie, soap. It is like friggin crack! BTW, the "myths" about pineapple juice are true. Keep drinking it

Snafugirl said...

You and Rapunzel sure know how to captivate an audience! I predict that you two will have many blogging babies in the future.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

You can't blame a girl for being silenced by a guy's vulva! Every line was hilarious.

Thanks for visiting and for your comments on my blog, too. I'm honored.

Cheers,
Robyn

Ca88andra said...

Not nice to lie about your cam! Aren't these dates about sharing and caring?

Rapunzel said...

Me lying about watching Question Time really is the least of our issues. I'm still disturbed that you spoke to me while you were on the toilet!

I suppose I should just be thankful that you don't have a webcam.

Please don't do it again because we really aren't ready for that in our relationship.

Actually on second thoughts I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that!!

Rapunzel xx

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

You're so right about doing washing up as you go along. It's a must. Nice post.

Www.datinglondonrealstories.com

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

Followed your link from JennyMac - so glad I did!

You are hilarious! I also read Rapunzel's take on your date, which was a perfect book end to the story. Glorious!

Aunt Juicebox said...

You're both very funny with the whole thing, and I think you may have hit onto something with the whole two sides to the story...but I get the feeling you already know that.

p.ham said...

i won't get shrilly and go on about how you guys seem cute together, but i will say though serenading may be nice, it only works when she's forced a guitar in your hand or just 'coincidentally' walked in on you singing. apart from that, you may seem like a self-absorbed (insert prfoanity) even if it is an awesome song like romeo and juliet.

sorry. i'll go now.

TWolf said...

Just stopped by to share an award with you over at Galloping Insanity. Just a little something for sharing yourself with us all.

Another Face, said...

Fishy, you think I don't keep up with all of your blogs?
I love the Rapunzel Tales :).

And very classy, this could be a keeper mate.

Gabby said...

So glad I'm catching this at the beginning. I have a feeling it's going to get good.

Next....?

Dutch donut girl said...

"Takes almost three minutes. Mental."

Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa...

AC said...

Pineapple juice? Yeah, good thing you kept that one under wraps with the red wine cover. This isn't a Mexican cruise, Fishy!

Much love,
AC @ bachelorettepadblog.blogspot.com

RenRexx said...

good job fishy. i always read yours before reading hers. somehow..... i need confirmation that it actually happened!

You Make My Date said...

Haha I can't believe she did hang up! Great stories as always - I'm absolutely loving this dual-perspective thing, and have recommended both your and Rapunzel's blog to my friends!

PS. Congratulations on being a fellow top-7er, yours is one of my favourites!

jo said...

the different versions of the same story is just so entertaining :) three minutes in the bathroom? unheard of! :P

Kathryn said...

Hey! I'm visiting from IShouldaBeenAStripper....thought I'd say hello....

"Hello."

Since I've already seen your recent post about the "virtual" ending of your "virtual" relationship with Rapunzel (if that's in fact her real name...I'm guessing it's not) I'll offer you my "virtual" condolences. (You knew that was coming, right?)

From what little I know, it sounds like you two would have definitely needed more than one bathroom...

Dazediva said...

First time on your blog via a random link on Tweetdeck and I'm sooo glad I stopped by !

This has got to be one of the funniest date stories ever ! and so cool too !

Looking forward to reading more of you ! and I honestly wish guys were more upfront like you !

Next time I'm back in UK - I'm calling you up !

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