The Horny Phone Call

As you know, my love life is a bit of a disaster at the minute - so I've decided to give online dating another go.

I'd forgotten how desperate and seedy Plentyoffish.com could be, but after a few days I received a message which warmed my heart:

ring me im horny
07789068***
kate xx


I'll be honest - I suspected it might be too good to be true. After all, Kate was hot - really hot.

Unsure how to proceed, I consulted my followers on Facebook and Twitter, who persuaded me to throw caution to the wind and call.

Except when I dialled Kate's number, a young man with a thick Scouse (Liverpool) accent picked up. Thankfully I got it all on tape.

Here's what happened on call number one:

Scouse fella: Hello.

Me: Hello, could I speak to Kate please?

Scouse fella: What?

Me: Could I speak to Kate please?

Scouse fella: Who?

Me: I got a message on Plenty of Fish, the dating website, from a girl called Kate who said she was horny. She gave this number.

Scouse fella: Nah, lad.

Scouse fella hangs up.

Bit rude - but I wasn't going to be deterred. If Kate was horny, she might not be horny for long. So I called back two minutes later:

Scouse fella: Hello

Me: Hello, is that Kate?

Frustrated Scouse fella: No, do I fucking sound like a Kate? Who are you?

Me: I explained this - I got your number off Plenty of Fish, the dating website.

Frustrated Scouse fella: What are you calling for?

Me: Because Kate said she was horny.

Frustrated Scouse fella: Nah, nah, nah mate. I'm not Kate.

Me: So you're telling me you are not a 23-year-old girl called Kate?

Angry Scouse fella: You wanna try phoning me again and I'll smash your fucking face in.

Me: So you're not Kate?

Angry Scouse fella hangs up.

This was becoming fun. Call three, 30 minutes later:

Angry Scouse fella: Hello.

Me: Please don't hang up - I just want to ask you a couple of questions so we can get to the bottom of this.

Angry Scouse fella: Who gave you my number?

Me: Well that's my first question - do you know someone called Kate?

Angry Scouse fella: I don't know any fucking Kates.

Me: Okay, question two - are you horny?

Angry Scouse fella: I'll punch your fucking head in.

Me: But you don't know who I am - I hid my number?

Angry Scouse fella: I'm gonna batter you.

Me: That's not going to help anyone.

Angry Scouse fella hangs up.

Okay, so I was a bit bored working a late shift and decided to give my new friend another ring a few hours later:

Angry Scouse fella: Hello.

Me: Me again.

Scouse fella: I'm on to who gave you this number, lad.

Me: Who was it?

Scouse fella: Some girl, lad - my mate's sister.

Me: Bit weird that she gave your number out and said you were horny.

Scouse fella: Just don't phone me again, lad.

Me: I might phone you later.

Angry Scouse fella hangs up.

At this point I'm realising the blog potential. The fifth and final call, one hour later:

Angry Scouse fella: Hello.

Me: Hi mate, just ringing to chew the fat - it's been ages.

Angry Scouse fella: Ages? You're a cheeky cunt, lad.

Me: What's your name?

Angry Scouse fella: What are you asking my name for?

Me: Is it Michael?

[Long pause]

Angry Scouse fella: Nah, it's not.

Me: John?

Angry Scouse fella: No.

Me: Ste?

Angry Scouse fella: Why are you trying to guess my name?

Me: James?

Angry Scouse fella: You're a proper bender, you. You take it up the arse.

Me: Come on, there's no need for that Michael.

Angry Scouse fella hangs up.

59 comments:

Thục Anh said...

lol :))))))
this has made my day

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahaha!

Ca88andra said...

Yep, sounds like you were bored. Wonder if that guy is going to change his phone number now...

Wynn said...

Haha, great!

Keren David said...

Fantastic. So, when are you two going on a date?

Elizabeth Darvill said...

I love that you called! My day is officially a little bit better now!

Rachael said...

That's brilliant!! Seriously, you should've youtube'd yourself doing it, you'd have been an internet sensation!

Keep up the good work
x

Hunter said...

If he didn't want to be bothered, he shouldn't have posted his number. ;)

theblueeyedboy said...

Awesome post! I was laughing all the way through.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Fantastic! Serious blog gold.

Shame he wouldn't give you his mate's sister's real number though. Maybe try one more time? :D

Joe King said...

Fishy back to his best. Good work fella.

You do realise you should definitely call him again? In fact, call him now just to remind him to put his clocks forward. ;)

Snafugirl said...

CAN'T.STOP.LAUGHING!!!!!

You only realized the blog potential after the fifth time???? hahaha

Anonymous said...

Love it!!! I hate Monday's a little less right now hahahahahahah
xo

Being Samiantha

Veronica said...

Poor that Kate guy!!! hahahahahaha

TheUnwashedMass said...

Amusing though that was, it was bordering on a prank-call which, as everyone knows, are the lowest form of humour.

Kitty Moore said...

That was hilarious!! I can't believe you kept calling back - poor scouse bloke (him, not you) x

Ash said...

Hilarious :D

Something She Said Once said...

"Me: Hi mate, just ringing to chew the fat - it's been ages"

I can't believe he didn't even give that a chuckle...that was brilliant!!! I'm tempted to put my number up just so you'll prank call me but alas...overseas is expensive...prank skype? lol!

RenRexx said...

thank you for this- in moments of despair, i definitely need a pick me up. :)

Haha You're SO Not Cool said...

Hahaha nice one Fishypoo

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

That's funny - just a shame you haven't managed to get a date.

Ninnles said...

Haha! Funny Stuff!

Lou said...

Haha this is funny! Why the f*** does he say 'lad' every other word? Seriously annoying!

You have a definate nose for potential blog material, Fish. When will you be ringing Michael again? I can see this becoming a series...

As always i will be reading. :)

Cheryl said...

Such.a.hero

elisabeth g. said...

Thats hilarious...i really enjoyed the laugh...maybe next time Kate will answer :p

Lucas said...

Triumphant return to form! well done Fishy

birdykins said...

Bahahahahahaha. There is nothing better than this. I can stop searching the internet. You win.

jo said...

this was too funny. totally made my day. a new high in prank calling haha!

jassy_onya'e said...

LOL
That was so funny, I could not stop laughing. Did you ever get a hold of her
?

ziazitella said...

Oh, I love you. I think I actually spit on my laptop with unexpected laughter.
Made my night.

www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

Kelly said...

Ahh. the poor old man you messed with. He probably WAS horny by call #5...

Jzt 4 me... said...

God, Fish...u r a real rascal...lol!!! I wonder why didn't that guy report to the police or find some way to track u down to smash ur face...

I just couldnt help jotting this comment in...If it was me who was answering you, after your third call, I would have been trying to track you down...haha!!

Anyways a good topic for blogging...

jzt4me.blogspot.com

awitchtrying said...

So funny! Thanks, you made my morning!

wanderingmenace said...

Oh fishy you make me laugh. Why can't more people be funny like you?

Kate said...

This is priceless Fishy.

Damn, I must have written my phone number down wrong...! ;-)

Colleen said...

That is priceless!

Anonymous said...

You ARE mental. And I love it.

Camilla said...

Excellent! Great read and looking forward to more!

Rob Getaway said...

Ha ha, absolute genius lad!!

Proper made me laugh lad!

This reminds me of a tale I was told about you recently, bartering to sell a gig ticket with a tout for 35 mins and then just telling him you were not going to sell it anyway, and the tout going mad!

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Haha, Rob I'd forgotten about that. I just wanted to know what a guy like him was earning.

Part-time said...

This post had me rolling in my seat!! Great job on spotting the blog potential of your prank calls!

Inspired by your blog, Fishy, I joined PoF upon moving to England last fall, but it is decidedly seedy. I found that I joined, grew bored, cancelled, grew boreder, joined again, and cancelled again. Instead, I found a more amusing way to pass my time meeting and talking to random online strangers: http:/www.chatroulette.com. I've met a few part-time lovers on there who are currently keeping me quite busy in the romance department.

Do let me know when you've given it a try. It's great fun, despite all the man-meat to the contrary, and makes for great blogging material.

And, just for the record, there's nothing wrong with taking it up the arse. I know Michael thinks it's a damn insult. But it ain't.

xo,
PT Lover
http://ptlover.tumblr.com

Christine Macdonald said...

You know, it's a wonder why you're still single.

Sarcasm, your table is ready.

aflickeringflame said...

haha love it! you're a legend!x

Anonymous said...

Pure gold lad! I thought listening to it was better though..xx

Dater at Large said...

Holy blog tease (from FB). You should be ashamed of yourself!

The Girl said...

Oh you are hilarious!!!

Ms.Foreigner said...

hahahahahaha omfg! love your sense of humor..!
man,he must have been irritated! :)
WHY ARE YOU GUESSING MY NAME?

i just started a blog, check it out! not that much stuff there yet.. but i gotta start somewhere!
My Blog: http://smallworld-biglife.blogspot.com/

good luck finding kate though!

Wolf girl said...

LOL that was hilarious maybe his mate's sister just wanted to have a little fun I'm going to tell all my friends about this

Cindy said...

LOL! Good one! I have up on online dating FOREVER AGO! I can't even believe you're still at it. Honestly, I kinda gave up on dating altogether!!

Love the page:)

Lil Ms Snarky said...

dude, next time you call, can you 3-way (no pun intended) me in on skype? i need a belly laugh.


the snarkster

Louisa said...

Sounds like one for Fonejacker!
Great prank though!

Miss OverThinker said...

That was the funniest post I have read in a long time.

Dating Diva said...

That Plenty of Fish is so ridic. It's like walking into a dark, dingy, seedy bar. Bet that lad was really Kate when he's crossdressing. ;)

Amit Deshpande said...

It was just great... awesome work

Sooz said...

Too funneeeeeeeeeeeee

Anonymous said...

Hey there, this was just too funny...I like your persistence, quite commendable.

I think you should have called at least twice more.

Dating said...

Oh you are hilarious!!!

Thecatzombie said...

Hahahahah! This blog is awesome - insta-follow! :L

Dating with facebook friends said...

It's really so funny and sad as well.....You have really good patience.....