The Mullet (2 of 8)

Big day today - going to ask the hairdresser out.

Jump in the shower. Give my ears their pre-cut clean. Sniff the crotch of my best Levis - good for another week yet.

Search for my iPod. Cat looks smug. Soon discover why - she's lying on it.

Elton John provides the soundtrack as I walk to the barber shop.

An old married couple quarrel outside the bank. Turn my music down to eavesdrop.

"Why can't you keep your trap shut and let me do the talking?" yells the lady, but her husband's face tells me he conceded defeat many years ago.

Two male barbers sit idly as I enter the shop. One has a mullet, the other is wearing trousers too short for his lanky legs. No competition. The girl is just starting on a toddler who won't keep still.

"Do you want to come over?" asks mullet boy.

"If it's okay I'll wait for her."

I point.

"She might be a while?"

"It's alright - got my iPod."

Three Elton classics later and both barbers are still without a customer. One starts sniggering - then looks my way. Can't hear what they're saying over Crocodile Rock.

The toddler begins to cry. Needs a clip round the ear.

I'm finally called over. Feel a twitch downstairs as my hairdresser pumps up the chair.

"What you been listening to?" she asks.

"Jay-Z," I lie.

"Never had you down as a gangster rapper."

"Yep - love black music. Tina Turner, Lighthouse Family - you name it."

She laughs at my joke - there's no stopping me now.

"Do you mind if I ask your name? Always like to know what my hairdresser's called."

"Emma," she replies, without breaking stride.

Bit common. Was hoping for something like Amelia - or Serendipity.

"That's a lovely name," I say.

"Thanks. What about you? Always like to know what my customers are called."

There's a flicker of eye contact - though neither of us are prepared to let it linger just yet.

Emma reckons I've got a stubborn sideburn. Just one. On my left side.

"Don't worry," she adds, "I can handle it."

Ask about her son's birthday. It went well. Only downside was having to spend time with her ex, apparently.

We're done - time to pop the question. First she wants paying.

Need to get rid of some £1 coins. Emma waits patiently as I count my stash. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

She cups her hands to receive payment but nerves affect my aim. Half the coins crash to the ground.

"Bloody hell, lad - have you robbed a fruit machine?" quips Mullet Boy.

Everyone cracks up - except Emma. She's busy scouring the floor for £1 coins.

Mullet Boy's smirking. Definitely can't proposition her now - not in front of this jerk.

Instead I scurry to the exit, not looking back as I embark on a lonely walk home.

Spend most of the evening contemplating my next move.

To be continued...


Wynn said...

Blob? ... blob?
Haha ew.

You go boy (sounds better with girl) and get that hairdresser! I'll be following.

Toni said...

Can't believe your having this much trouble getting a date in scouseland - I have Letter to Brezhnev, arn't all girls up there just like Margi Clarke?

Andy H said...

Go back and get some highlights. It'll cost a bit, but should give you ample time to pop the question.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, blob? Really? Ha. I guess it's been called worse.

You are one smooth operator.

Anonymous said...

Any time you can work a fart moment into a post it's a win with me. Luv it.

Unknown said...

Hmmmm....sounds like the beginning of a story here! Good luck !

Keren David said...

Love the insights you give us into the murky workings of the male mind.

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

highlights? :-) hilarius! Go for it. Great post - I loved it.

Pandorah's Box said...

Oh. My. god. That was the funniest post ever.

"Need to fart before I get there. Wait until the path's clear of pedestrians, then sneak one out. An Indian woman appears from nowhere - throws me a dirty look."


Hunter said...

Cock-blocked by Mullet Boy? Oh, the humanity!!

Better luck next time.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Oh, this is not over, Hunter - not by a long way, baby. Watch this space.
Thanks for your comments everyone - means a lot.

Meghan16 said...

The part about sneaking a fart and the Indian Woman showing up? Hilarious.

theblueeyedboy said...

Humour is oozing from your posts. Mullet boy sounds like a prick. Good luck with that brainwave of yours.

RenRexx said...

ahahahaahah. WHY OH WHY did i have a feeling you'd screw this one up too??

hoping to find out what's next is more promising!

Umbra said...

""Curry," I shout, trying to explain why I'm full of wind.

She seems offended. No time to find out why - got a date with my future wife."

I laughed out loud in my quiet office at that one lol!

Good luck for round two!

Princess T said...

This is painful... Just ask her out already!!!

youmakemydate said...

Not a clifffff hannggeeerr! How can you do this to us Fish?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant as usual Fish!

Aunt Juicebox said...

Dude. Are you insane? Paying with dollar coins? You pay with the biggest bill you've got, hoping she'll be impressed by your finances. And you definitely give her a bigger tip, to show you are generous as well. Lucky for you, you're damned funny.

Daniela said...

Quite the post! lol

Saw you on the uncompromisable truth blog!

Pete said...

Fish, where are your balls? Chirp about robbing the fruit machine is classic, surprised you had no reply...

Aion said...

Fish.. your NOT going to "stalk" her are you :)

Heck... what am I thinking.. your ALREADY doing that lol
just "run into" her at her son's daycare and ask her out...

mo.stoneskin said...

Wait, you ONLY clean your ears "pre-cut"?

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Spew - I'm working on some balls, man.
Mo - Isn't that the norm?
Aion - That's a really top idea...good thinking.
Thanks everyone else.

Kitty Moore said...

I really think you need to work on your technique with women...a lot!

Skye Blue said...

I loved it all - smelling the crotch of your jeans, the curry induced fart and the mullet boy.

Very funny post, can't wait to see what happens next!

People Who Know Me Would Say: said...

We're waiting anxiously. Not fair to leave us hanging like that!

B.J. Thompson said...

Oh plueeezzzz!

The thought of THAT "do" makes me go all achey-breaky on myself!!!

I think I'm blind now...thanks, Fish!

(tee hee)

Rapunzel said...

Will you get me mullet boy's phone number please? He sounds great!

We could double date..

That's if Emma says yes to you in the first place mind you, which is unlikely if you use terminology such as 'being on your blob' around her!

Bamberio said...

Curry farts, economy toilet roll and Elton John.

You've really got it going on!

Have you considered getting her drunk and approaching her with some mistletoe? Very festive, and it will give you an excuse to listen to one of Sir Cliff's greatest hits for inspiration.

Anonymous said...

You should never be intimidated by a barber with a mullet. He, of all people, should know better - and obviously he doesn't.

Kudos on complimenting her on her name. But points deducted for tipping her with eight £1 coins; she's not a slot machine! Plus another point deducted for not taking the opportunity to cup her hand with yours when providing said coins. Carpe diem.

Your admirer north of the 49th parallel. x

Dating Diva said...

P you are so funny! But I am slightly concerned that she isn't communicating in the typical way we ladies do when we are interested--the arm touch, the hair flip, the laugh when you really aren't funny...did she do these things during this recent trip for your hair cut?

Kate said...

Ha ha mullet boy is evil!

TheUnwashedMass said...

Cock-blocked by a mullet. Sting.