The Pube Trim Date

Went on my date with Natasha, a dental nurse from Wigan who I've been messaging on Plentyoffish.com. Here's what happened:

Jump out the shower. Pubes are looking a bit bushy. Attack them with some kitchen scissors.

No time to vacuum up the mess afterwards - need to get going.

Pay my train fare with a crisp £20 note. Ticket man asks if I've got anything smaller. I have, but I don't like his tone, so I grunt in the negative.

Natasha texts - she's arrived early. Bit keen. Don't bother replying. She can sweat for a little while.

Spot her leaning against the wall as I amble off the train. She looks just like her photos. A little tubbier around the thighs, perhaps. Nothing a few circuit classes wouldn't fix.

Notice thick blobs of mascara on her eyelashes as we kiss cheeks.

"What kind of bars do you normally go to?" I quiz.

"Anywhere really - I'm easy."

The Jacaranda it is, then. Bottles of lager are only £1 on weeknights.

Except Natasha wants Bacardi and Coke, so the round comes to more than £3.

We take our seats in the dank basement, where psychedelic paintings of John Lennon decorate each wall.

"The Beatles used to practice down here," I explain. "Though they were known as The Quarrymen back then."

Natasha looks on in awe as I continue my lecture with more Fab facts.

She eventually changes the subject by probing me on my worst habits. Can't say sniffing the toilet paper after each wipe.

In the end I go with ringing friends while on the bog. My date says she does that too. Suddenly the fat thighs  don't matter so much.

My crotch starts itching. Happens every time I trim. Manage to have a good scratch while Natasha checks her phone.

She peels the label off my bottle as we resume our chat.

"That's a sign of sexual frustration," I point out.

"Why do you think I signed up for Plenty of Fish?" she quips. This girl's gagging for it.

With each Bacardi and Coke she becomes chattier, with each £1 bottle of Stella a little prettier.

We share stories of all the weirdos we've met online. Tell her about The Pasty Kiss and The Date with Depression.

"How about you?" I query. "Met any freaks?"

"For some reason I seem to attract a lot of..."

Natasha looks round before silently mouthing her next word.

"Coloureds."

Can't work out if she's being serious, so I nod politely.

"Every week another one messages me. I never reply. You'd think they'd take the hint, but no."

Not sure what to say. The silence is getting a bit awkward.

I pretend to need a wee, darting upstairs to the bog to assess my options while staring into a ceramic urinal.

Maybe I should confront her - that'd probably be the right thing to do. Or I could forget she's a racist in the hope of getting a shag.

End up doing neither. Instead I creep out of the toilets, smiling gingerly at the barmaid while scurrying to the exit.

The air's mild outside even though it's well past 9pm. A slate grey sky has replaced the earlier sunshine. Don't have to wait long for a train.

Five minutes after taking a seat my phone beeps.

"Where are you?" she's written.

I consider my reponse for a few seconds, then start typing.

"I'm on the train. You're fit and that but the coloureds comment put me off. And the mascara too - sorry."

Don't get a reply. End up having an early night. Except I can't fall asleep because of my itchy pubes.

Note to self anyone with plans to try online dating: vet future dates for signs of bigotry before trimming one's bush.

62 comments:

Christine Macdonald said...

Nothing screams wasted manscaping like bigotry.

Happy you fled.

Upward. Onward. xo

Alex said...

I've read all of your blogs so far and they just get better and better, your writing is fabulous.

Anyway, I wouldn't have answered her text. :p

Hunter said...

Oh, man. I'm so glad I'm not in the dating pool.

Great post, as always.

blenche said...

Oh Fishy! That was so honourable, I am truly impressed!
And your hilarious style is back too.

xx

Matthew N said...

Ha, I would have bit my tongue and tried to get a little piece. You are a better man than I, Fish!

Tuppence said...

Glad to hear that the Jac still is a good place for a cheap night out. Full marks for ditching the bigot, even though it sounds as if you missed out on a guaranteed shag. I do hope you washed those kitchen scissors after use though...

It's a shame you're not a girl - you'd have a great time on our Bloggers Night Out..

T
x

manshopping said...

Date with a racist! This has the potential to be a phenomenal series if there were a way that you could search for other like-minded ladies. Is it perverse of me to promote this kind of dating experiment? Perhaps. I'd do it myself if I were... well... whiter.

Anonymous said...

I'd go on a date with you Fish but id be too scared of your harsh blog analysis of my thighs, bum,tum, potential flaky make up, depression, hair dressing skills...

Anonymous said...

I would have confronted her and let her know what I thought of her after the coloured comment.

Then left without another word.

Love your style.

Anonymous said...

Should have nailed her first fish then darted!

Keren David said...

Well done for your principled withdrawal. Have just tried to brush your illustration off my screen.

Sparkless said...

Wow! I like that you told her the truth about why you ran out on her. Good job!
Manscape a few days before your next date and you won't have the itch problem.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Wow, so you just left? Might rude, that? Although I guess it could have gotten ugly if you'd confronted her.

Unfortunately, the volcano is not behaving and has stopped spewing ash this way. Or I would have totally high-tailed it to Manchester for the blogger's night out. I expect a full report!

http://lifebeginsat30ty.blogspot.com

Kate said...

"Vet future dates for signs of bigotry before trimming one's bush."

Ha!

Wise words, duly noted.

http://search-for-the-perfect10.blogspot.com

Soda and Candy said...

Haha, what a waste of personal grooming.

I probably would have been too shocked to confront that kind of blatant racism. Good on you for letting her know later, although maybe a bit defused by putting it on the same level as the mascara...
; ) Better luck next time!

Lexicorro said...

wow you're such a coward!

Reasons why having (potentially shorter) dates in the daytime makes sense:

1. you might "need" to be somewhere else later
2. you want to like them whilst sober
3. less chance of "beer glasses incidents". :p

TheUnwashedMass said...

"Coloureds"? What, was she from the 1940s? A retro-racist?

You should've called her out in person. You could've realigned her perceptions with eloquent, rational debate. And then shagged her anyway.

RoseElizabeth said...

Love your blog.

She deserved it. Shame you didn't get a shag before though.

Anonymous said...

You will never get laid with all the dumb mistakes you make.

Mike said...

Good job on taking the higher road.

Sarah said...

good for you fish, but telling her in person then making your exit may be better?

Out of Sync said...

Hahaha I can't believe you just left! Classic.

Lou said...

I just tried to brush off the picture of a pube from my screen! Hehe! What an idiot.

What century was this Natasha from? 'Coloureds?' Is she a retard from the 1800s? You did the right thing, Fish. Leaving her sitting there like a muppet is vengence enough. Sorry you didn't get a shag, though. I mean, you cut your pubes and everything. Oh well. Better luck next time!

Lou :)

Loverville said...

Great writeup, but the best part may be the pube graphic. Well done.

When are you coming to NY to visit?

jo said...

and you trimmed your pubes specially for that?? it's murphy's law. the one time you don't do any bush maintaineance is when you'll meet the love of your life and get laid.

Anonymous said...

I find your attitude towards women a bit worrying. Not this one specifically, because she was out of line, but just in general. Nobody is perfect.

freckledk said...

She sounds like a perfect fit for John Mayer, this one.

Next!

jackie summers said...

I take offense with her statement largely because nothing rhymes with 'once you go coloured...'

Spot on, Fishy!
Jacks

Matthew N said...

Nice one freckledk :)

Darth Vader said...

Nice job... I actually wouldn't even have responded to the text... well, till the next day or later!
That would have driven the point home even harder.
Just started reading your blog. Great narration style.

Anonymous said...

Fish, you disgust me. If i didn't find it bad enough that you phone me whilst on the toilet, you have now confessed to sniffing you poo stains. Is there no end to your filth? It's no wonder you can't keep a date.

For the record though, I do think you made the right decision when you scarpered. However, you could have told her to her face or were you just too scared??

Bets xx

RobGetaway said...

Another great post.

My favourite bit was this;

The air's mild outside even though it's well past 9pm. A slate grey sky has replaced the earlier sunshine. Don't have to wait long for a train.

Your writing style gets better and better! Its the little things that really make a story.

Rapunzel said...

I'm not going to comment on this post. To be quite honest I'm going to do my very best to pretend you never wrote it.

It is either that or we end our friendship now down to a case of far too much information!

Rapunzel x
www.talesfromthetower.co.uk

ziazitella said...

I like the play dumb approach. You could've asked what she meant by coloured and then watch her sweat out an answer.
Or waited for the shag & upon leaving say, "My last GF looked like Halle Berry. Hope that's not an issue."

www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

Kitty Moore said...

I'm very pleased you bailed out - would have been very disappointed if you hadn't! x

firstdateonlyproject said...

Well done, good choice! It's amazing that people think that's acceptable language in 2010.

Did have a laugh about the calling friends while on the bog, though. My exboyfriend used to text people while he was having a poo. Often me. While I was in the other room. He said he would get too bored on his own. Wow, I'm glad we broke up...

awitchtrying said...

Great post! Will you ever get laid though? And why do so many people think that pube is on their monitor?

Mrs Midnite said...

Just browsed your blog and having read "vet future dates for signs of bigotry before trimming one's bush" I will have to follow and hear more about your dates. Better luck next time, can't all be racists with bobby mascara can we?

Kelly said...

Sorry about the itchy bush. I think you should have gotten into it with her instead of just leaving, but at least she knows why you left. Maybe she'll think about it now. Grr...

MARC said...

The key thing is to not shave too much of the hair between your sack and your inner thigh. That'll prevent the "bat wing" (aka "scrotum stick"), but it won't prevent dates with racists.

Titch said...

As if you left her! With that comment though what did the fruit loop expect?

Lost PLUM said...

great post love. xo:)

Kam said...

nothing's more frustrating than a premature pube trim

Dater at Large said...

Now see I wouldn't have taken you for such an asshole. If you're going to walk out on a date at least have the balls to say so to her face.

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

You are brave! BTW, I thought 'coloureds' meant being ginger...

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

I feel sorry for her - she deserved to be told face to face. The only excuse I can think of is that you must have been drunk Fishy.

Webby said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog, Fishy.

Your one is way better, obviously.

Still, I'd have left out the bit about the mascara, and just attacked her flagrant racism. Nothing annoys a racist more than being told that they are racist. Although she probably had lots of coloured friends.

http://thingstodoinbalhamwhenyouredead.blogspot.com/

gaia227 said...

Oh Fishy - the more I read your blog the bigger my girl-crush gets. Some people take you way too seriously, I am quite sure some of the things you say are merely for shock value (like smelling toilet paper)however, even if they are not then I can appreciate your complete honesty.
I think you did the right thing. I am shocked at people saying they feel sorry for her! She is talking about not wanting to be contacted by 'coloureds' - think about what that means about the type of person she is. Plus the fact that she just assumed that you (fishy) would not find this offensive. It reminds me of Christians who just assume every one around them is one too.
Anyway - it says a lot about your character that you would take such offenise at this and really when you didn't show back up it should not have taken her long to figure out why.....but apparently she is too self-absorbed and ignorant. I am so glad to hear you didn't shag her.

Emily said...

She deserved to be left! There's no arguing with a racist, so it's really the best thing you could have done

Makeup Geek said...

While I find your blog humorous - so far anyway... And thought it would be interesting to get a look into the mind of a dating man, I have to say I'm finding it a little harsh. I know you can not post your face for obvious reasons, but I hope all singletons do not have immediate thoughts of large thighs (that a few spin classes wouldn't fix?!) and mascara blobs, I am sure you are an absolute stunner, with natural highlights, minimal body hair, a slight tan and a six pack...and that is clearly why you are still single (and so fussy?) I have to say if your attitude came across this way in person it would be me leaving swiftly, although I think I would have been decent enough to at least send you a quick explanation via text as you glimpse my body-shaped hole in the door...

It would appear my first impression of plentyoffish was correct too, full of self-absorbed weirdos who most of the time have the IQ of a fish or are only interested in one thing... I guess that's what you get from a free internet dating site...

Dating Diva said...

Wow, that takes guts to walk out of a date. I don't think I could've done it and I have definitely gone on dates where the guy made a remark like that and floored me.

29 Forever said...

lol @ "No time to vacuum up the mess afterwards - need to get going."

You must be spying on me! ;)

Great blog! I can relate to bad PoF dates...

Exile said...

Look, in spite of what you and a seemingly inexhaustible number of webmongs think there is no law that says that this girl has to sleep with blacks. As for the "confronting" bollocks, what can I say? I am speechless.

It was a date, you did not have to make a second one, but you had no right to leave her like that. A thank you and goodnight would have been fine.

AshPoisonRose said...

I wish you'd been a little harsher on her about that comment but at least you didn't spend your night with her.

Dating Diary said...

Hilarious! She really did deserve it though. What a waste of your manscaping!

Anonymous said...

God you're high-maintenance and overly picky. The fact that you notice something like blotchy mascara is REALLY weird. You have serious issues. You're a real prick.

Anonymous said...

I don't think this even happened.

Rachael said...

Yep, Ive been half way through a date and discover a racists only he was black but didn't like orientals and we were in a chinese restaurant. It was not the best date! we didn't see each other again, funny that! lol.
Racism is not the same as a preference, everyone has a type they find more attractive.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is great. Glad Im not in the dating game anymore but I love reading your blogs! This is a serious and not sexist question.... "Have you ever thought that maybe you're way too picky?" Men have no clue what women go through to get ready for a date. Maybe she was trying a new mascara and didnt know that it looked that way. Maybe she was getting very nervous and only trying to pick you for how you feel on the coulored subject with her comment and didnt mean for it to come out that way. Just saying... but atleast you were honest! Girls want to know that their time isnt gonna be wasted even if a little harsh in just being totally ditched. You could've atleast went back and paid for her tab. :)

Anniversary Presents said...

Very nice post, and great blog, well done, I like it!

Anonymous said...

you, sir, are a homosexual. a man would have fucked her anyway.

ganhar dinheiro said...

hi excellent