Top Five: Things I Look Out For on First Dates

1/ Is she bossy?

I once went on a dinner date with a zealous vegetarian called Judith.

When I ordered a fillet steak she told the waiter to come back in a few minutes.

"Do you mind having something without meat?" she asked me.

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's just - I couldn't stand watching you eat a steak."

"Er, right - so what should I have then?"

"How about spinach lasagne?"

A short while later the waiter returned and I chivalrously changed my order. To a mixed grill.

Judith and I spent the next hour in near silence before going our separate ways.

2/ Is she a noisy eater?

My second proper girlfriend would smack her lips all the way through American Idol - very annoying.

3/ Does she like cats?

I used to loathe animals. Then I accidentally bought a cat to impress the receptionist at work.

She adored them - so I made up a story about wanting one. Next thing I knew the two of us were at the rescue centre picking out Mildred.

A couple of days later I asked the receptionist for a date. Via email. She said no.

By this stage it was apparent my new pet had depression. And arthritis. Even worse, I woke up one morning with wet legs after the bitch deliberately poor thing emptied her bladder all over my bed - a transgression repeated six times before Mildred was permanently banned from my room.

Despite all this, I somehow grew to love my retarded cat - and it's important that any future girlfriend could learn to do the same.

4/ Is she almost as intelligent as me

I played guitar in a band at university. We were called There There Jane and we played five pub gigs before splitting up because the bassist was a fat twat who said my songs were shite due to musical differences.

Anyway, I obviously exaggerate talk about my rock and roll years when trying to impress a date. It was during one such conversation that a girl named Laura asked me - with a straight face - the difference between a six-string and a 12-string guitar...

5/ Is she a drama queen?

Once, aged 22, I went home with a very ugly quirky looking girl called Melanie.

We were on her bed necking when she excused herself to go to the bathroom.

A good few minutes had gone by when I began hearing strange noises. She was crying.

Melanie eventually returned to the bedroom and informed me we couldn't have sex because her blob had started.

Now, any girl who cries because she can't have rumpy pumpy with me must be a little unstable, so there was no way I was sticking around to comfort her. Instead I went for a quick poo, then made my excuses.