The Love Doctor (1 of 3)

Went on a date with Marie, the 32-year-old GP who I met on Plentyoffish.com. We arranged to hook up at a bar in Liverpool city centre. Here's what happened:

Get to the pub dead on time. No sign of my date.

Ask for a Corona. Barmaid corks it with a hefty chunk of shrivelled lime. Force the little bugger down the bottleneck with my thumb.

Marie shuffles through the door as I take my first bitter swig, a little black dress wrapped around her curves like gravy on mashed potato. Looks well tasty.

Order her a vodka and lemo while she commandeers a sofa, smoothing the back of her dress before sinking into its leather upholstery.

"I've never dated a doctor before," I say, handing over her beverage.

"You're not going to ask me to look at something, are you?" she replies.

Planned to quiz her on my athlete's foot. Might leave it til our second date now.

She chats about a recent trip to the Galapagos Islands. Loves travelling, apparently. Tell her I went to Hull last week.

Examine the jukebox while my date gets another round in. Spot Doctor Doctor by The Thompson Twins. She'll think that's well funny.

Marie rolls her eyes when it comes on. Can tell she's laughing inside, though.

She wants to know how long I've been single.

"About a year," I lie. "You?"

"About six months."

"Long-term, was it?"

"Five years."

"What happened? Just grow apart?"

"No, he shagged my best mate."

Marie tucks her thin brown hair behind each ear, then squints like a little girl as she sips her drink through a lime green straw.

"You don't seem too bitter about it?"

"At first I hated his guts."

"And now?"

"Now I've realised that indifference is the opposite of love - not hate."

A cute little mole hovers like the North Star just above her right dimple. She's beautiful, and intelligent, and I'm about as far away from indifference as I've ever been on a first date. Though I have had three Mexican lagers.

Need to change the subject - something less serious.

"So what's your favourite pizza topping?" I quiz.

"Anything - as long as there's no mushrooms. They're evil."

"I'm like that with salmon."

"How can you not like salmon?"

"It reminds me of vagina."

"And you don't like vagina?"

Her hand brushes my arm as our laughter echoes round the bar. I'm already leaning forward to disguise a semi. Best go to the loo before I get a full on boner.

Come back with more drinks. Marie's texting.

"Hope you're saying nice things about me," I quip.

"Actually, I am."

She slides the mobile back into her bag and ushers me close with her chocolaty eyes. An unambiguous smile informs me it's time for us to kiss.

Her hand circles my ribcage as our tongues mingle. Bet she can feel my heart racing even without her stethoscope.

Have to break off for a silent burp. Don't think she twigs.

"Look, it's getting late - do you fancy buying me some chips?" she says.

Find a chippy round the corner. Bit of a queue. Marie reprimands a lairy Scouser for trying to push in. Pull an apologetic face behind her back to let him know it's not me complaining. Turns out he's too pissed to argue anyway - just stumbles out the door.

We stroll with our supper towards a taxi rank. She offers me a bit of fishcake; I allow her a small bite of my battered sausage.

Pass the lairy Scouser pissing against a furniture shop window. He's yelling expletives at an unseen friend. Dying for a wee myself. Might see if there's a quiet spot further down the street.

"What a pig, pissing in public like that," complains Marie.

"I know - makes me sick."

"That's why I joined a dating website - because when I'm out I meet knobheads like him."

"Whereas online you meet sophisticated young men like me."

"Exactly."

We stop and kiss for the second time, though I have to pull away after a few seconds - her breath stinks of haddock.

Don't have to wait long for a cab to pull up.

"You can come back to mine for a nightcap if you want?" says Marie.

Jump on the back seat before she has time to change her mind.

Fare's already £3 and we've barely moved. Gonna be extortionate by the time we get to Birkenhead.

We start necking as our chauffeur heads towards the tunnel. By £4.10 her hand's on my thigh, at £5.60 I'm copping a feel of her tits. The final fare comes to £15.80 - but it's money well spent.

Marie rummages through her handbag in search of keys while I take a deep breath and contemplate what's ahead.

To be continued...

68 comments:

Rich M said...

damn you leaving it hanging like that! :)

R.R.Jones said...

Dude, I love your Blog, why oh why didn't I come here earlier?
"Loves travelling, apparently. Tell her I went to Hull last week."
had me laughing for ages... well, about 20 seconds, which is quite long for a laugh actually.

sm9 said...

I was just about to get a semi of my own as that ended! ;-)

Smigger said...

Taken you long enough!

Wynn said...

Cliffhangers!!

Tell us something good now!

Hunter said...

Very nice! Looking forward to the continuation.

whydidn'tshefancyme said...

Brilliant Brilliant post, full of classic lines!!!

Salmon reminds me of Vagina, had me in stitches!!

It sounds like Fishy is back in the game.

Looking forward to the next post!!

whydidntshefancyme@blogspot.com

otherworldlyone said...

Who cares if the dating works out? It's about time you got laid, yeah?

DEC said...

Ahhh come on, what was ahead???

Took me a while to get the "semi" joke... I will blame it on the language barrier.

Anne

http://datingoneverycontinent.blogspot.com

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Oh boy, Fishy did a cliff-hanger. I can't decide if this is a good or a bad thing!

Toni said...

Well done Fishy - surely even you can't mess this up.

Lexicorro said...

Well Done!

Maybe the way forward is classier professional chicks over Garage receptionist types.

Jodie Kash said...

...oh, am I the only one with a bad feeling about how this worm turns?

Sarah said...

um, on first date? be ware of rebound fishy, but good job!

kathryn evans said...

Why do I feel like clapping?

little miss angry said...

very nice 1st date ;) god i miss those.

more! more!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

oh no oh no, not on the first date. It won't last! It will only be a booty call.

theblueeyedboy said...

After this post, I think I'll have to start taking notes of exactly what you say to these women.

Claire said...

I agree with wannabe. Still, least you look as though you're about to get your end away. Although knowing your luck, something is boundto go wrong

Keren David said...

You are just a naughty tease...this had better not be a let down..

Joanna said...

wooo nice one! about time you got some action!!

Kate said...

Nice cliffhanger, and back on form Fishy.

"She offers me a bit of fishcake; I allow her a small bite of my battered sausage."

HOT.

Looking forward to the next instalment.

x

Miss Matched said...

On the first date??? Noooo, not a nice girl

Mrs Midnite said...

Cruel, next instalment soon please

oi said...

You sure piss a lot, eh?
Good one! I laughed out loud at cab ride description. You are fixated on the meter and she is hitting on you! sounds ultra lovely!

CoatMan said...

That is adorable! A Fishy success? About time, too! Shall very much look forward to part II.

And I love her insight:

"Now I've realised that indifference is the opposite of love - not hate."

Rapunzel said...

Well being a doctor she is pretty much guaranteed to have a good bedside manner, can the same be said about you though Fishy?!?!

Rapunzel x

Veronica said...

She's so gonna check out your reaction toward "salmon"...!

V.

clo said...

To be continued?!!? Not amused Mr Fish...
You're even leaving me hanging over my birthday weekend how mean is that!
It'd better be a good ending!

Anonymous said...

I hope it works out.

Go fishy go.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant as always:) Something tells me this doesn't end the way we all anticipate.. But I'm holding my breath for part 2!! Go Fishy! xx

Kitty Moore said...

Wow - this is the furthest you've got in ages! Brilliant writing btw x

Mike said...

Congrats. Nice to see someting good happening for you.

YummyMummy98 said...

Hmmm good girls don't do things like that on the first date...

RenRexx said...

oh MY GOD!!!!!
this date sounds too good to be true@@@!!!! it sounds perfect. she is hornier than you!

Anonymous said...

"She offers me a bit of fishcake; I allow her a small bite of my battered sausage."

Is that a little preview of what happened next?

Dater at Large said...

This date sounds too good to be true... can't wait for the disaster that part 2 is bound to be :-)

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Anonymous...I considered putting that line in you know. Great minds.
Thanks for your comments so far guys. Part two coming next week. It's as much to do with not having time to write it as wanting to leave you hanging.
Fishy

alice uncensored said...

i see you plugging this blog everywhere on xanga and your twitter. hahaha.
and in response to your comment on my own blog (3 months ago... yeah i'm a little slow), it's called ctrl +/=.

:P

Anonymous said...

I'm now a little bit disappointed in Doctors! I always expected them to a bit less forward than that, what with all that oath taking. Inviting you home on a first date? She just wanted to get laid or didn't have enough money to get home on her own! Either way, i hope you didn't disappoint :)

manshopping said...

I said before that "if you manage to convince The Doctor to examines your nipples, up-close and personal, on your first date, I will be forced to acknowledge that you are a dating GOD."

This cliffhanger is killing me, but I can't imagine how you could muck it up at this point. Impressive. I look forward to calling you a dating GOD in the comments section of your next post.

Kam said...

Awww Fishy!!! Did you get some rumpy pumpy?!?!

Hope she freshened up that haddock breath by Part 2 though.




~www.singlegirlsoundtrack.com~

Renee said...

still eagerly awaiting installment II. After this delicious banter, there has got to be some hell of a finale--really spectacular or painfully disappointing.

www.singleinmy30s.wordpress.com

Kelly said...

Ha, it's like the last episode of Lost...you want us to wonder and then STILL leave us hanging in the next post, right? Anyway, hooray for doctors!

DopeyFromDating said...

Maybe you can invite her on as a guest blogger to write the epilogue...

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

That the best one so fat fishy! And I have a friend who also thinks mushrooms are evil :-)

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

forgot to add - she's just discovered she's pregnant...

Robin said...

I may have to change my usual blog subjects from mommy stuff to this one. Loved the post! Laughed my ass off!

Exile said...

Corona is piss - I lived 20 years in Mexico so I should know. And what's the deal with the lemon? Here how you drink the cheap beers like Corona, you make a michelada:

Fill a saucer with salt. Wet the neck of your glass with lemon juice and then upend it in the salt. Add about 3/4 of an inch of lemon to the glass and then the beer.

¡Salud compadre!

Ms C said...

I keep checking in to see if there's an update...I can't stand the suspense!!!

Lou said...

Flirty and witty conversation. Sounds like a great first date. Where's the rest? I want to know more! :)

Lauren said...

You realise this blog will one day meet it's demise when Fish finally settles with a decent bit of Skirt. :(
How could you encourage him?!

Just kidding Fishbob, like that'll ever happen ;)

Miss Melicious said...

laugh out loud!!! I loved it, Can't wait to hear how it ends?

http://miss-melicious.blogspot.com

Tuppence said...

Against my better judgement there’s a little something for you over at my blog http://tuppennytales.blogspot.com/2010/05/why-thank-you.html

T

Chrissy said...

"Sophisticated young man". You've got her fooled. Reel this one in and call it a day.

DopeyFromDating said...

But do you like tuna?

Vicc said...

Ohh myy you are taking your time with this latest blog:(
suspense is killing me!!

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Chrissy - quite!
Sorry for the delay guys. Been a hectic week at work and I've been finishing MY first chapter of the novel I'm co-writing with Laura (we've both given each other feedback so it's a case of tinkering before we show it to the agent). Anyway, I've now almost finished the next post and it will be up on Tuesday.
Fishy

ziazitella said...

Haddock breath, a tiny nipple exam, and salmon vagina...well, it's obvious where all this is headed.

www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

Doog said...

Ha love the drama! Left me dangling like an episode of Prison Break!!

Latin Dating said...

Really nice dating diary. Keep it up.

Amy jo said...

I LOVE YOU!!! hahaha. you write the kind of shit i would write, love reading your stuff it's right down my street. mint xx

ANotableWedding said...

That was laugh out loud funny!

sugar daddy websites said...

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adultdatingguide said...

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gay dating said...

"Now I've realised that indifference is the opposite of love - not hate."
I just loved it.
Thanks for your awesome blog and post

Anonymous said...

pathetic, empty, meaningless

Stella Mcartney said...

loved it eagerly waiting for the next woo