The Home Visit (2 of 3)

So my date with Marie the doctor went well and I ended up getting invited back to her house for a nightcap. Here's what happened next:

"Everything's a bit bare I'm afraid - I've just moved in."

Marie slings her keys towards a hall table. Misses by a good foot.

A single, vile attempt at modern art decorates the magnolia hallway.

"My nephew did that," she says. "He's got autism."

My date strides upstairs and into the bedroom without looking back.

Linger by the door, unsure whether to follow.

"Come on, what you waiting for?" she finally slurs.

Check her radio alarm. It's 12:44am and my upper body is starting to ache. Lights went out nine minutes ago.

Should have avoided missionary, started with something adventurous - like her on top.

Set myself a target. Just have to last until 1:05am. That'll be acceptable. Got to be up early anyway. Need to phone the council, get them to collect my old fridge. Plus there's Mildred to feed.

Marie keeps licking my face. Reckon she thinks it's sexy. Try to keep my head out of reach, but it's not easy with lactic acid throbbing in my biceps.

"Sorry, I need a break," I wheeze, collapsing into her clammy chest.

We resume with my date lover on hands and knees, hair begging to be pulled.

Yank her head back with my right hand, slap her bum with my left. I'm a sex cowboy and this - Marie's bedroom - is my ranch.

"Careful," she moans, spoiling the rodeo vibe somewhat.

Stretch for the glass of water on her bedside table. Tiny particles of dust float like jetsam on the surface.

"How long's this been here?" I enquire.

No reply. Mind must be elsewhere.

Can feel myself heading towards an orgasm. It's 12:52am. Need to think of something repulsive. Salmon, perhaps.

No, not salmon. Definitely not salmon.

Oh, fuck it.

Lie there like a lemon for a minute - all the while keeping an eye out for her anti-social tongue. We then coordinate my disembarkation.

Marie blows a puff of cool air across her face as we each stare up at the ceiling.

"Isn't it weird how you can blow hot AND cold air out of your mouth?" I say.

"Never really given it much thought," she replies.

Ten minutes later we're asleep.

Still feel drunk when a bright sunrise beams through her bare window and wakes me up.

Marie's got her back to me, nursery blue sheets tucked up to her neck. The rays give her hair a ginger glow. She really needs to get some curtains.

Been lying here bored almost an hour. Wish she'd get up.

Decide to mess around with my ringtones - that'll rouse her.

"Morning!" I say, when she finally stirs.

Marie places a hand on her forehead to indicate pain.


She sinks her face into the pillow for a few seconds before answering.

"I think the drink got the better of me."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't normally have sex with near strangers."

"Well, just put it down as a night of passion."

"A night of passion?"

"You had fun, didn't you?"

"It was okay, yes, but..."

Marie stands, grabs a white towel from her chest of drawers and heads for the en suite without finishing her sentence. Best get up myself.

She comes back in, towel covering all her important bits. Asks me to turn around while she gets dressed.

"I did see everything last night, you know," I complain.

"That was last night."

Not sure I'll ever understand women. Think I'm just going to get off.

"Gonna go catch the train in a sec - need to feed Mildred."

"You know the way to the station?"

"Think so."

She leads me downstairs, past the painting and to the door, picking up her keys on the way. Go to kiss her lips. She doesn't retreat - but for once keeps her tongue to herself.

Marie pulls away and turns the Yale lock in one slick movement.

"I'll text you," I say.

She smiles but doesn't reply.

Can feel her eyes tracking me as I bound down her path. Then, a little earlier than expected, the door slams shut.


DEC said...

Did you text her?!

Kate said...

Ride 'em, cowboy.

For some reason I don't think you'll be back on this bucking bronco anytime soon.

I thought you knocked one out before your date - and you still only lasted 8 minutes? No wonder she was disappointed! - disappointed in herself for getting drunk and giving it up, and disappointed with you for not putting in a good showing.

Still, at least it was good for you... ;-)

Anonymous said...

8 mins including foreplay - come on lad you have let us down there.

Should have knocked more than one out.

Toni said...

Fishy, you finally get laid and think about getting your fridge removed, (wouldn't have thought that was a problem in scouseland).

You sound less than enamoured with your dating success. Mind you, I hate it when a girl gets a bit thrusting or licky with her tongue, (wonder who told women this was erotic).

Why did you feel it was necessary to wait for her to wake up, rather than do the walk of shame. My favourite example of the walk is back in Liverpool actually, we were just leaving the Huskisson dock when one of the dodgiest hookers I have ever seen after being escorted of the ship shouted at one of our African crew boys, "remember nexrt time you still owe me two pounds" - personally I think he was robbed.

Gillian said...

geezo...I wouldn't answer yer text either...

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Anonymous - it was 17 minutes and I was pissed! Read the post again...

Hunter said...

Maybe she's planning on playing hard to get - the second time. ;)

Big Ugly said...

Ah-HA! So you DID get to "play doctor"...Yip! Have you scheduled a follow-up appointment?

R.R.Jones said...

Everyone is complaining about your performance and nobody has mentioned her act.
Dude, you were put under pressure by a face licking drunkard of more than dubious hygiene skills and you made the best of it.
Did she orgasm? If not, remember what Roy Chubby brown say's on the matter:
"How long does it take for an average woman to reach orgasm?"
"Who f*****g cares?"

Good on yer mate, another notch in the bedposts etc.
Now put this distateful episode behind you and move on.
Or text her anyway for a sober seesion?

Claire said...

Uh-Oh, I smell a pungent aroma of shame and it's coming from Marie's direction.

theblueeyedboy said...

Hmmm she didn't sound too interested in the morning. I hope I'm wrong.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Mornings with strangers are always weird. The real question is whether fishy wants 2nd helpings or chalks it up to an evening of fun?

Lainster said...

You've told us what happened. The facts. But did you like her? Do you want to see her again?

Forget the (lacklustre?) sex - first night drunk sex is never going to provide a realistic marker of how things could be in the future - how did you feel about her?

Yes, I've just asked you about your feelings.


sm9 said...

Yee haaa! ;-)

clo said...

I think she was probably just embarrassed at her behaviour...and seriously what's with the face licking?!?! I'm a girl and I find that weird and very unsexy. If you like her text her...if you don't text her and offer her some more drinks I'm sure she'd give you a second go with a line like "I don't normally have sex with near strangers".

Sarah said...

i was right--drinking is never good for a woman. now she has buyer's remorse. you can do better than 'i'll text you' right?

Fawkes said...

Buyer's remorse, always a demon. One reason I dislike sleeping with drunk chicks. That and the random face licking.. at least it wasn't that other thing that girls don't know they do when trashed but is a total deal breaker.

Queen said...

Ouch she is regretting it, not because you are not a god guy but because she is not normally like that, if you like her you should text her!

Renee said...

Face licking? I like ear and neck nibbles but there has to be some boundaries. Sound like the physical chemistry wasn't quite as good as the verbal banter, but unfortunately that happens...I think this is one doctor you don't have to make a follow-up visit with.

Something She Dated said...

You left stuff out though right? For privacy reasons... Like there was more to the sex than what you posted? Tell me there was...please...

Sparkless said...

Awww if you wanted a second date you shouldn't have slept with her on the first.

Nandoism™ said...

child, this would've been one of MY better dates! Sex plus art by an autistic child!

Beautiful but Grumpy said...

I read this while having dinner and missed my mouth! Honest. Nice, racy post ;-)

Mike said...

Yeah sheets all pulled up to her chin is never a good sign the next morning.

powdergirl said...

Yeah, 8 minutes is really only a successful 'time' if you're actually in a bron busting competition, oh well, you could have made it up to her in the morning. did you let that sheet-to-the-chin thing put you off?
I'm just curious.

You're very funny.

MNGx2 said...

She's embarrased. I'd take it easy but definitely text her and try to play it down so she relaxes a bit. You possibly didn't get yourself a girlfriend but you got laid. Cheers to that!!
And as per face licking, I confess I too thought it was sensual in high school until my boyfriend once pulled away and licked me back. Ewwww.. Lesson learnt!!

victoriaa said...

Let me digest the blog and I'll get back to you- so many questions...

Anonymous said...

I'll give you the 17 mins then,should include 4play next time,might hit the full 30 mins or if you include the taxi ride home your laughing.

freckledk said...

I didn't realize we were going to have to do math.

Just text her. Worst case scenario, you don't get a response - which will also happen if you choose NOT to text her.

Anonymous said...

Nice fishy... so did u message her? And all the way from canada but find your blog funny! Is ur book gonna be a similar style?

CoatMan said...

My dear Mr. Fish - snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once more! Not that I'd know any better as to what to do in such circumstances: I'd be interested in the views of the female commentors here: what does a fellow do in such a situation? Going for it will produce the reaction that our sea-dwelling friend experienced the next morning; but would not going for it make the person feel rejected and have equally adverse consequences? Or will anyone worthwhile at least understand, perhaps in spite of a little short-term frustration, if a chap says something like, "I like you, but let's go slowly, hm?".

marc said...

Don't know the rules in the UK, but in the US we start counting at lasted 8 minutes.

Kelly said...

17 minutes---nice one! Well, better than 8. I'm with have to appreciate sex on the first date AND autistic art!

Chrissy said...


Did you say any of those things out loud while you were doing the deed?


Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Seriously Marc, read it again...
I lasted EIGHT minutes on top of the NINE minutes 'since lights went out'. I was aching from missionary at the start of the story! That makes SEVENTEEN minutes.

Lauren said...

Lol calm down Fish. I don't think anyone actually cares how long you lasted, it's not like you'll be sleeping with any of your commentees (or will you?!).

Sounds to me like someone suffered the Morning Horrors. Not neccessarily because she thought you were repulsive, but mainly because there is no comfortable way to behave around your one time drunk lover (of 15 mins lol).

Perhaps she just felt awkward. You know, there's always the "should I offer him coffee/breakfast/another round - is he going to leave as soon as humanely possible/outstay his welcome - make comments on my autistic nephews artistic skills"

I'd stay away from first date shags. They're never with partners with any long term worth.

Rapunzel said...

'It was okay' - Is that the best praise you have ever received for your bedside manner?!

Can you please put a warning if there is sexual content on your posts in the future? It is only fair cause I'm sure nobody was prepared!

Rapunzel x

freckledk said...

Sounds as if Fishy's date wasn't quite prepared either.

Suzanne said...

Hmmm strangely absent is the details of her pleasure...Did you pleasure her at all??? Or was it just missionary...ugghhhh

Kitty Moore said...

First time you've had sex in ages and you're thinking about phoning the council and feeding Mildred in the middle of it?! That's pretty bad Fishy - I (like Marie) am very disappointed in you! x

Anonymous said...

Love that 'that was last night' line. You can have your tongue in their arse three hours previously then they go all coy. Amazing species!

Doog said...

You are an amazing storyteller fishy. Actually felt like i was in the room reading this.

"Set myself a target. Just have to last until 1:05am. That'll be acceptable. Got to be up early anyway. Need to phone the council, get them to collect my old fridge. Plus there's Mildred to feed."

That had me laughing my head off. The bit about the council. Very funny. Women eh?

Doog said...

oh, and the "I'm a sex cowboy and her room is my ranch..." if you haven't stolen that from a pro comedian then that is pure gold ;-)

Lena Potapova said...

I discovered you through @nandoism and your blog is so lovely! I am a fan.

Lou said...

Yay you got laid! I'm saying nothing about the 17 minutes. Nothing.

I think you might need to work on your upper body strength. Weights, maybe?

And the fact that you thought about your cat in the middle of, well, that's a little...okay. I'm saying nothing about that either.

Great read as ever, Fish. Sorry i'm a bit slow in my commenting! :)

whydidn'tshefancyme said...

Just back from my hols & had to get on and find out how your "Home Visit" went.

Had me in stitches!!!

Will you be making an appointment with the Dr again soon??

Mrs Midnite said...

LOL Fishy love your posts. Is that really how guys think to last longer. Scared now about what my other half thinks of to last as long as he does!!!!

Wondered, did you actually like her or were you just looking for a shag? Not sure about girls who go all the way on the first drunken date.

Why did she want you to stay inside for a minute, seems odd, is that normal?

Anyway can't wait for your next post!

Ms C said...

Agree with Mrs. Midnite...this lass is definitely NOT a Rules Girl!

Queen of the Rant said...

Love your blog, but I find myself checking to see if you have anything new, I want more, please sir, can I have some more? Relationship Rant

RenRexx said...

i agree with kitty moore as well.

seems like you knew it was all going downhill even DURING the act....
poor fishy......

Robin said...

As I am now a Mommy and a wife I don't get to have such experiences anymore. Thank god! But I love reading about yours! I can't remember how I stumbled upon your blog but I'm glad I did!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Fishy. That's it. Just oh, Fishy.

bee. said...

....sounds promising.
hmm maybe we'd best forget this one, eh?!

Jewish Dating said...

Love to read like this very much.Very good.

Nico said...

As a writer myself, I give you major "props" on this Blog of yours. It's different...keep it up!!

p.s. women love to be ignored rather than chased (hint hint)

Portland's Carrie Bradshaw said...

I love hearing about dates from a male's perspective but I don't think I'll ever understand you men. It seems like you couldn't wait to get out of there, the sex was mediocre and yet you keep texting her and asking her to go out again. Why?

Soo ~ it's not a typo said...

I'm so sad I discovered this now, and you've moved on to other projects.

Enjoying reading about your dating adventures!

andrei said...

missionary huh?! men your blogs are interesting. keep it up

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely hilarious.Priceless and so well told. It's made my day! btw-sorry mate!

Terry@ eHarmony Questions said...

what happened next?? did you text her?

Dating Products Review said...

When it comes to dating and relationships slower is always better. Granted we don’t date for years and years, but we also don’t settle, neither do we feel pressurised into making a commitment.

Don @ soulFuse said...

I love this line ...keeps licking my face. Reckon she thinks it's sexy. Try to keep my head out of reach.

You are a great writer, keep it going!